Guess who's back!
IT'S BACK! I tried my hardest and alot of things happened - but finally now that the new season is about to start, I'm finding humor again and excitment!
Therefore I present CHAPTER.12. Sorry that it took so long and please enjoy, even if it might not be the best thing you've ever read.
Title:At least their Certified - "Der Sommer Palast"
Author:17thGaffer
Rating: For stupidity- PG13 going R slightly ++It's also a AU fic.
Warnings:Extreme Cracked bad humor + random violence
Summary:Joachim is a landlord to Germany's 23 (and growing) most pyscho tenants. But he's not standing for it anymore - moving to Ibiza though, definatly won't be the answer this time.
Disclaimer:I don't know any of these people and don't condone any of the violence displayed.
Episode summary: Joachim’s had enough of the gang, and takes drastics actions to change things.
Previous Episodes:Part.1. Part.2. Part.3. Part.4. Part.5. Part.6. Part.7. Part.8. Part.9. Part.10. Part.11.
Chapter.12 - 'Instant Gratification wanted'
Joachim liked ‘supermarket sweep’ - it reminded him of what he’d love his life to be like.
Instant gratification.
This dream was put on hold - after he decided to become landlord to these nuts.
However he had had ENOUGH!
It had all started last week.
He was used to them acting up - but this was different.
After him and Timo officially spilt up - Joachim was down. They all tried to cheer him up.
So, Ballack made them all promise that’d they behave. While they all went out to one of Joachim’s favourite places - the National vegetable museum.
That is where it went wrong……
1 week before:
“Trust us Joachim we’ll all behave!” Pleaded Ballack, trying to play it cool however.
“Yeh right! Did you forIget that I used to go out with Timo. One minute I trusted him with potatoes and the next he was running around doing all sorts of things to them - that I’m very sure not even Scientists genetically modified them to do!” Replied Joachim, yelling behind himself as he cleaned up his apartment.
Ballack just stood in his living room. Obviously he was very happy shouting through the whole place. Informing everyone of Joachim’s breakup - which for a good reason, not everyone yet knew about.
Ballack was a pimp - he didn’t care. His opinion was that Joachim should just find himself some sluts, until he finds the right person again.
“Come on you need it.” Continued on Ballack.
“What the sluts or the museum?” Replied Joachim, caught slightly off guard.
Timo had rubbed to much off on him.
“Ahhh….You know Bastian and Lukas don’t charge much anymore - especially now that I’ve managed to hire them.” Winked Ballack.
“They’re the best.” Conitnued Ballack, licking his lips.
“You are nasty.” Silently said Joachim, just looking at him.
“Just think about it. Even though I suggest Basti - Lukas has some issues at the moment with that girlfriend of his or what ever she is.” Frowned Ballack.
With that he walked out.
Joachim wasn’t keen on any of them. He could imagine exactly how many men had crawled over those two. Knowing that Lukas at least had a girlfriend sort of comforted Joachim, it meant that at least not every night he slept with another man.
Though Joachim couldn’t be too tough on Bastian. After all not only did his girlfriend leave him - after they’d been together since their 12 years - but then he’d recently also lost his world record, for having done the longest cha-cha at Ibiza’s most prominent disco ‘Amensia’.
But Ballack seemed genuine - for once they all actually seemed to want to make his life easier.
Could he finally - dare he say it - managed to influence them.
So he agreed. Against his best judgement and the common sense his mother had raised him with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the actual day of the outing, they all seemed to behave - as well as it would go, especially for Sylwia.
As soon as they arrived - things started going wrong.
Not only was Conny constantly being felt up and chatted up by Bastian (Joachim is still trying to figure out what his new obsession with her is) but Lukas had the hardest time trying to figure out what Monika wanted and kept thinking she was always asking for water - and on top of that Miroslav, Torsten and Simone Ballack were messing with Petra and singing all the songs that started her arsontistic tendencies.
Which now included - Levan Polkka.
When he and Jens finally managed to buy all the tickets, half of them were doing VERY wrong things with the onions and the other half had joined Basti & Lukas, in attempting to burn vegetables to see which one’s made the best replacement hash.
It took 28 security guards to control them all and whole lot of visually disturbing flirting from Lukas and Conny to not throw them afterwards out.
“Would it make any difference if I did inform, that I’m 2 minutes away from having a heart attack?” Asked Joachim, to them all.
“Define - difference.” Replied Bastian, genuinely confused.
Joachim just tried massaging his temples so hard, it looked as if he was giving himself a face lift.
“Fi-re.”
“Ok - where to start? ALL of you lack any manners.” Started Joachim, putting his hands on his hips.
“Fi-reeee.”
“Two: Your on a constant mission to test people’s patience.”
“Ohhh hehehe….Firrree”.
“Three: Your always doing the opposite of what someone tell’s you to do!” Continued Joachim.
“Erm…Joachim.” Sylwia raised her hand, trying her hardest to get his attention.
“NOT now - fourth: What is up with Thomas! I mean - just WHAT is with him!” Joachim was really venting all his anger now.
“Joachim!” Tried Sylwia again, now shaking her head uncontrollably.
“WHAT SYLWIA?”
“Petra - is setting that big broccoli statue of Angele Merkel on fire….”Casually replied Sylwia. Laying down then on her back and imitating a goldfish.
Miroslav just stood next to her smiling - he was incredibly proud of her.
It was true. She was running all around it, setting fire to it, giggling.
And true to their fashion - Simone, Micha and Bastian where encouraging by bursting into Levan Polkka.
“Marsh-“Started Monika, a smiling growing.
“Your totally right! Bring forth the marshmallows!”Screamed Lukas, to them all.
Everyone just cheered.
Joachim just stood there.
If he was going to die sometime soon - could it be now?
…..Present…..
"No - oh no no no no no no. Never again! Supermarket sweep!"Whispered Joachim, shaking his head.
That was the end. He wasn’t taking it anymore. He was moving!
Fulfilling his long term dream. Not to long ago - Joachim won ownership of a run down club in Ibiza. He won’t it for a whole 19.75Euro’s on Ebay. He’d bought it from some Spanish who was sick and tired of having German tourists requesting -the remix of ‘Ein bett in Kornfeld’.
Fuck MTV - no, it’s Ebay that makes you the American dream, or in this case - the Spanish dream.
And Joachim was going to be the last to tell them he’s leaving.
Silently, he looked at the clock - 2.45 am.
Perfect, the earlier he left the better. There was bracket between 2:30 am - 3.15 am, when Conny and Jens weren’t dragging bodies from Berlin’s junkie quarter, to their apartment.
Joachim had to pay the taxi driver triple, so he wouldn’t make ANY noise. The slightest sound or sneeze could result in Sylwia jumping out the window or Thomas thinking the ice cream man is here, and demand a cheese burger.
Joachim quietly got in.
And urged the taxi driver to go!
Dare he say it?
Dare dream’s come true?
Dare life stop thinking it’s funny to torture Joachim?
Maybe….
Therefore I present CHAPTER.12. Sorry that it took so long and please enjoy, even if it might not be the best thing you've ever read.
Title:At least their Certified - "Der Sommer Palast"
Author:17thGaffer
Rating: For stupidity- PG13 going R slightly ++It's also a AU fic.
Warnings:Extreme Cracked bad humor + random violence
Summary:Joachim is a landlord to Germany's 23 (and growing) most pyscho tenants. But he's not standing for it anymore - moving to Ibiza though, definatly won't be the answer this time.
Disclaimer:I don't know any of these people and don't condone any of the violence displayed.
Episode summary: Joachim’s had enough of the gang, and takes drastics actions to change things.
Previous Episodes:Part.1. Part.2. Part.3. Part.4. Part.5. Part.6. Part.7. Part.8. Part.9. Part.10. Part.11.
Chapter.12 - 'Instant Gratification wanted'
Joachim liked ‘supermarket sweep’ - it reminded him of what he’d love his life to be like.
Instant gratification.
This dream was put on hold - after he decided to become landlord to these nuts.
However he had had ENOUGH!
It had all started last week.
He was used to them acting up - but this was different.
After him and Timo officially spilt up - Joachim was down. They all tried to cheer him up.
So, Ballack made them all promise that’d they behave. While they all went out to one of Joachim’s favourite places - the National vegetable museum.
That is where it went wrong……
1 week before:
“Trust us Joachim we’ll all behave!” Pleaded Ballack, trying to play it cool however.
“Yeh right! Did you forIget that I used to go out with Timo. One minute I trusted him with potatoes and the next he was running around doing all sorts of things to them - that I’m very sure not even Scientists genetically modified them to do!” Replied Joachim, yelling behind himself as he cleaned up his apartment.
Ballack just stood in his living room. Obviously he was very happy shouting through the whole place. Informing everyone of Joachim’s breakup - which for a good reason, not everyone yet knew about.
Ballack was a pimp - he didn’t care. His opinion was that Joachim should just find himself some sluts, until he finds the right person again.
“Come on you need it.” Continued on Ballack.
“What the sluts or the museum?” Replied Joachim, caught slightly off guard.
Timo had rubbed to much off on him.
“Ahhh….You know Bastian and Lukas don’t charge much anymore - especially now that I’ve managed to hire them.” Winked Ballack.
“They’re the best.” Conitnued Ballack, licking his lips.
“You are nasty.” Silently said Joachim, just looking at him.
“Just think about it. Even though I suggest Basti - Lukas has some issues at the moment with that girlfriend of his or what ever she is.” Frowned Ballack.
With that he walked out.
Joachim wasn’t keen on any of them. He could imagine exactly how many men had crawled over those two. Knowing that Lukas at least had a girlfriend sort of comforted Joachim, it meant that at least not every night he slept with another man.
Though Joachim couldn’t be too tough on Bastian. After all not only did his girlfriend leave him - after they’d been together since their 12 years - but then he’d recently also lost his world record, for having done the longest cha-cha at Ibiza’s most prominent disco ‘Amensia’.
But Ballack seemed genuine - for once they all actually seemed to want to make his life easier.
Could he finally - dare he say it - managed to influence them.
So he agreed. Against his best judgement and the common sense his mother had raised him with.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the actual day of the outing, they all seemed to behave - as well as it would go, especially for Sylwia.
As soon as they arrived - things started going wrong.
Not only was Conny constantly being felt up and chatted up by Bastian (Joachim is still trying to figure out what his new obsession with her is) but Lukas had the hardest time trying to figure out what Monika wanted and kept thinking she was always asking for water - and on top of that Miroslav, Torsten and Simone Ballack were messing with Petra and singing all the songs that started her arsontistic tendencies.
Which now included - Levan Polkka.
When he and Jens finally managed to buy all the tickets, half of them were doing VERY wrong things with the onions and the other half had joined Basti & Lukas, in attempting to burn vegetables to see which one’s made the best replacement hash.
It took 28 security guards to control them all and whole lot of visually disturbing flirting from Lukas and Conny to not throw them afterwards out.
“Would it make any difference if I did inform, that I’m 2 minutes away from having a heart attack?” Asked Joachim, to them all.
“Define - difference.” Replied Bastian, genuinely confused.
Joachim just tried massaging his temples so hard, it looked as if he was giving himself a face lift.
“Fi-re.”
“Ok - where to start? ALL of you lack any manners.” Started Joachim, putting his hands on his hips.
“Fi-reeee.”
“Two: Your on a constant mission to test people’s patience.”
“Ohhh hehehe….Firrree”.
“Three: Your always doing the opposite of what someone tell’s you to do!” Continued Joachim.
“Erm…Joachim.” Sylwia raised her hand, trying her hardest to get his attention.
“NOT now - fourth: What is up with Thomas! I mean - just WHAT is with him!” Joachim was really venting all his anger now.
“Joachim!” Tried Sylwia again, now shaking her head uncontrollably.
“WHAT SYLWIA?”
“Petra - is setting that big broccoli statue of Angele Merkel on fire….”Casually replied Sylwia. Laying down then on her back and imitating a goldfish.
Miroslav just stood next to her smiling - he was incredibly proud of her.
It was true. She was running all around it, setting fire to it, giggling.
And true to their fashion - Simone, Micha and Bastian where encouraging by bursting into Levan Polkka.
“Marsh-“Started Monika, a smiling growing.
“Your totally right! Bring forth the marshmallows!”Screamed Lukas, to them all.
Everyone just cheered.
Joachim just stood there.
If he was going to die sometime soon - could it be now?
…..Present…..
"No - oh no no no no no no. Never again! Supermarket sweep!"Whispered Joachim, shaking his head.
That was the end. He wasn’t taking it anymore. He was moving!
Fulfilling his long term dream. Not to long ago - Joachim won ownership of a run down club in Ibiza. He won’t it for a whole 19.75Euro’s on Ebay. He’d bought it from some Spanish who was sick and tired of having German tourists requesting -the remix of ‘Ein bett in Kornfeld’.
Fuck MTV - no, it’s Ebay that makes you the American dream, or in this case - the Spanish dream.
And Joachim was going to be the last to tell them he’s leaving.
Silently, he looked at the clock - 2.45 am.
Perfect, the earlier he left the better. There was bracket between 2:30 am - 3.15 am, when Conny and Jens weren’t dragging bodies from Berlin’s junkie quarter, to their apartment.
Joachim had to pay the taxi driver triple, so he wouldn’t make ANY noise. The slightest sound or sneeze could result in Sylwia jumping out the window or Thomas thinking the ice cream man is here, and demand a cheese burger.
Joachim quietly got in.
And urged the taxi driver to go!
Dare he say it?
Dare dream’s come true?
Dare life stop thinking it’s funny to torture Joachim?
Maybe….