A Certain Kind of Sadness - Log with Beatrice
[He had made the necessary arrangements. As far as Ran and Kogoro knew, he was actually have to spend some time with his 'real parents.' A special trip. As did Jodie, just in case
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[ She choked between sobs. You were meant to win, Conan. You were meant to win, Shinichi. And aside herself and despite herself, she would be applauding and cheering for your happiness when it came to be. Because you are more dear than love itself. Because she could see the love of your story, the little glass marble was yours for the taking, and hers was to let the warm tide take.
That horrible truth was that the bitter was attracted to sweet, and when the two combined, all it left was a broken heart in its wake. What was so sweet about something bittersweet? What had been sweet about the ending to her story-- that there had been justice to it? But there was no justice here.
Just the laws... of the world... that nothing was true. ]
But... no matter how unfair...
... to both of us...
[ She couldn't finish the sentence. A single line of support wasn't going to change a thing. But now it solidified her cement into something harder than diamond. As long as he needed a friend, she would be there. Even if his heart was broken for a thousand years, she would help him collect the pieces. Was this the sweet to the bitterness? No. It was the vow of her life. Her pathetic existence as a being removed from her gameboard was not pathetic if she could help him in the pain he shared.
Beatrice and Shinichi were the same. They were beings who existed on the prospect of love, where their true selves remained and pulled the strings.
And both strings on both dolls had been cut, and lest the truth hurt anyone else, it would have to make itself known.
She just held him tighter than she should, because she imagined holding that fake being, crying because he couldn't return to 'who he was'.
'Yasu' held 'Conan' while 'Beatrice' held 'Shinichi'.
It wasn't clear, but she didn't care. ]
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[In the end, it had to be Beatrice. Because like the time they went to see Seiji, Beatrice was the only one who understood. Yasu was the only one who saw how such a big part of his existence had been torn asunder, in a way he couldn't even hope to describe.]
[Even if he knew his wounds would hurt her, he needed that. He needed for someone, anyone, to understand.]
[Funny how it made him fully understand how strong Beatrice had been to come to his world. He had an idea, but now being like this, he could only see how strong she had been to stop chasing that marble. And maybe it would be enough, enough to let him throw away that marble he had finally wrapped his fingers around in London, for the sake of that girl finding her own marble with someone who could make her truly happy.]
[But that was all just thoughts, a torrent of snippets running through his mind that he would think more fully on later and understand then. For now, he took the comfort 'Yasu' and 'Beatrice' offered and mourned his own death, his own lost love for a little while before he could start working on pulling those pieces together so he could keep moving because 'Conan' still existed and 'Conan' had people he had to protect.]
[So he let himself cried for a time, even if it would give him a horrible headache later.]
Thank you... [With the words of the deepest gratitude being whispered whenever the feelings waned for a moment. Because he wasn't sure if he could even reach for those pieces again if he'd been alone.]
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She knew it would be a long time before she saw him smile again-- a real smile that wouldn't be interrupted by thoughts as to why he shouldn't be smiling; and honestly, she had become the same in that respect. Her act had just gone on a little bit longer.
She wanted, more than anything, to protect him. To help him, as this would be the greatest challenge of his entire life, and the greatest pain.
If she could see the day those wounds healed, even if it left a scar, there would still be something she could remain hopeful for.
So she would live for that moment, even if both had lost those marbles on the shore. ]
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[She was someone he trusted, someone who trusted him, and in his life full of paranoia, that was something to be cherished. Even if he had more people like that at home, there were too involved for him to be as open as he could be with her.]
[Someone who could 'know,' but stay 'safe' in a way the others couldn't.]
[There was so much for him to thank her for, that he wanted to thank her for, because he truly appreciated it and he could argue that until he was blue in the face. But he didn't, not today, because it was hard enough as is without arguing something like that. He was sure she knew how important she was to him, or at least knew enough, so he was content with that.]
[Because there was too much grief otherwise. Funny, that the one death to make him cry in so long, was his very own. That marble really could make all the difference in the world.]
[He cried for a while, the quiet sort. There were gasps and quiet sobs, but that's how it was when he was really upset. He'd start getting quiet, and at times it might have seemed he had stopped if not for the tears that kept falling and the way his body shook. It would be a while, a long while, and he wouldn't talk again, taking the comfort.]
[But eventually, he knew he had to stop. He couldn't really say how long, but it was certainly longer than he'd ever remember crying when he was a real child. It was then he spoke again, his voice hoarse from the knot that was still in his throat.] Beato...
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'She' had become Beatrice, just as he had become Dante.
That meant she had a solitary purpose. For now, they start at the tips of hell, and while he would force himself to walk, she would attempt to guide him the path out, eventually. Through purgatory. She would be the woman of the summit. It was suddenly so easy to see how her role had changed and yet stayed the exact same, except for a different person.
There was no guarantee the path would follow the same as the lore. There was no red promise of success, though she understood so well that there was no option of failure. No matter what, guide 'Dante' out of hell. Their hell. The one Beatrice spent staring into for a thousand years, and once he walked through it, a literal thousand years or not, he'd know those same footsteps they tread.
A purpose that would never change, no matter how many years it took.
That was the woman she was. ]
Conan?
[ ooc; http://i39.tinypic.com/2qxmflu.png ]
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[And besides that, he still hadn't really told her what had happened. Just what it meant.]
((OOC: ...sob, that picture makes me want to cry.))
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[ Suddenly, it'd be on the table behind them. An act of magic, but like a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear it, no one could say whether it was magic or if the drink had simply been set there before.
She'd reach for it and hand it to him. ]
[ ooc; this entire thread has made me cry more than once, so it got emotional fanart out of me T_T ]
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[No longer needing to get up, he choose to stay beside her, leaning on her for support.]
Before the trip... [His voice it still a bit hoarse, but the water had been soothing enough that it didn't feel like he was speaking through cotton.] You might have noticed I was missing for a few days. I wasn't taking any calls at the time, and I asked Haibara not to tell anyone the real reason.
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Except...something went wrong. We didn't even realize it at first because it's not like the pain is a surprise. Changing size like that with a drug, it's only to be expected.
But even though I felt the pain, I wasn't changing.
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But this one should have been longer than the others. Last time, the cure had been working longer than normal.
But it didn't this time, I didn't even change at all! And instead it...
Instead it almost killed me.
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[ She understands better, now. He can't even experiment in exchange for pain. The next time could take his life. ]
So that's... how you've come to understand the finality of the situation.
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But the chances are too high I'll die and too low it'll have any affect, let alone a real cure.
I won't risk it. Even if my despair makes me want to, I have too much I need to do to risk it. And I can't do that to Haibara if my gamble fails, she'd feel like I begged her for death and she gave in. There are too many reasons not to, for the good of everyone, for people I care about, and myself. Even for Ran, because at least she still has 'Conan' instead of most likely losing 'both.'
Even if it means I'll have to hurt her more than I ever had before...at least I know Ran is strong enough to move on. Because she'll be alive and I'll be alive and no matter how much this pain hurts, that means there's still more we can do.
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[ She squeezes his shoulder tightly. ]
The life you've carved out as the person you are... you can't risk it. 'Conan' can't die... but I'm saying things you already know.
Many people would make worse decisions. Myself included. [ Had she not decided to come with him. ] ... no matter how painful... you'll have to live bravely.
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No matter what, I have to keep living. Life is too precious to give it up, so even if I have to give up half...at least I'll still have half to live.
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