A Certain Kind of Sadness - Log with Beatrice
[He had made the necessary arrangements. As far as Ran and Kogoro knew, he was actually have to spend some time with his 'real parents.' A special trip. As did Jodie, just in case
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[Yet the smile is only brief, fading away to a more neutral, tired expression.]
She was always waiting. Ever since we were kids. Which was weird. I was pretty arrogant, always thinking I was leagues beyond the rest. Having to wait for them to catch up, pretending I wasn't beyond their stupid games. Pretending to think girls were icky, I was interested in their groups, it was even part of why I choose to refine an offensive skills with a sports team. Not that I regret soccer, I had a lot of fun and did make a few friends I did really like, even if they weren't 'real' friends.
But I realized that...that wasn't it. I was behind. Not intellectually, of course not. But when it came to understanding people, being with people, there was always a distance I kept with them. Pretended to be somewhat normal, get along, but ultimately...never making real connections. No one would even try and reach for that connection, at least never for long.
Except for Ran. Ran who followed me around, calling me Shinichi instead of Kudo, Ran who would talk me into games. Ran who understood the type of person I was. So she waited, with her hand stretched back, for me to finally take her hand and catch up.
Seventeen years of her relentless pursuit to never let me forget her, and I was able to catch up. Probably why I responded so well to the kids, really. They reminded me so much of her when we were kids.
But as soon as our fingers finally brushed together, when I was just a step away from walking beside her...this happened. [Gestures to his body.]
And now I've left her waiting again.
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[ She speaks from experience. ]
Unless something stops them forever... a girl like that will never stop waiting.
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Not while 'Kudo Shinichi' still exists.
[And there's a tone there, a tone that's heavy and weighed down with the words he's not saying.]
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What has gotten in the way of his existence?
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By no means brought in from outside this kakera, the Kudo Shinichi that Ran knows can no longer return by means that are native to this kakera.
[Words said carefully, to lock out the possible interference from Bernkastel, to lock out the magical means not native to this world. Words that said something happened that denied him his original body.]
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So no magic of any world can-- [ Magic can only distort the truth. It cannot fix a broken one. ]
...
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[ A witch cannot fashion a new truth out of thin air. Even Bernkastel would have to create justification for a miracle, and why would she ever do that for him? The only person who could fix it...
... was a monster who hated him...
... if he was alive and well, she could only assume something happened that meant his body could no longer change. ]
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No. No. No. She wouldn't wish this ending on her worst enemy, having lived through it herself. Her own heart breaking meant nothing in comparison to-- he was supposed to win. He was supposed to have that happy, beloved victory. He was the only one capable of finding that rare marble on the shore-- now that Beatrice could no longer find it.
Though she hid a broken heart, the one simple fact in red he had stated was more painful than any other truth.
Her most beloved person... was supposed to win, and like her, no longer could. ]
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[He could deal with countless deaths. He could deal with the fact he could get an entire district killed with one slip up. He could deal with seeing tragedy and ugliness on a weekly basis. He could deal with psycho witches, sentient islands, and even things destroying him from within his own mind.]
[He could keep going, keep moving, and not stop.]
[But this one truth made him stumble, made him trip and need to just...be still, for a while.]
[And now that he's said it, faced the undeniable truth that his own body had betrayed him, denied him what he had strived for more than anything else...]
[It made him do things he'd never do. One was this trip. This trip to run away for a while and not face the truth. And now that he's said it, something else he hasn't remembered doing for a very, very long time.]
[He clung to Beatrice and let himself cry.]
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I'm sorry...
[ One thousand years or just a few. Holding the hope for your happiest end and having it taken away from you, being a person made to love someone, all one can feel is that horrid pain. He didn't even have the blessing of being physically separated-- he would have to create that lie on his own time. Even if he had a thousand years to stall instead of just one week...
... nothing changed that pain. She cried for him. For that one, broken fact. For the things that would change for him, for... everything.
Now they were one in the same. ]
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[Friends...Shinichi never had many. Conan had more 'real' friends.]
[The arrogance that had been his downfall? Hopefully thrown away.]
[All it came down to was one thing. One thing that truly mattered, that Shinichi could have, but Conan never could.]
[In a funny way, 'Shinichi' and 'Beatrice' had been the same. A person who existed solely for love. Because that was the only thing that could define Shinichi away. The fact it was Shinichi who could achieve that love. He was the only one who could pick up that marble. He was the only one with that red string. It was never meant for Conan.]
[After chasing her, trying to finally grasp her hand. Once he had been denied, but he kept hoping, for these years, he kept reaching, but now there was a wall. And what was worst it wasn't even impassable.]
[No, that was the worst thing. He could scale that wall. He could get over it and reach her hand and he knows, he knows she will take his hand, that she will be there, but the gamble to do it. The risk he would have to take in passing that wall. If he was the only one with anything to lose, he would take that gamble without a second thought, but it wasn't him who could lose anymore. It would be her.]
[So he absolutely could not go over that wall. He knew he would have to finally cut that string, because he could not risk her. And he could not make her wait anymore. Not when he knew no longer had any means to know when he could pass that wall without risking her.]
[Even if it wasn't a thousand years, only a measly five, or however long he had those feelings really, it hurt. For an existence that was only possible because of love, it hurt.]
It's not fair...
[And for once he utters those words he thought in his more darker and private hours. What he had ever done for the life he led, he didn't know, and for once he'd feel pity for himself openly and without shame because he couldn't take bottling it up anymore. He was still a kid, after all.]
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[ She choked between sobs. You were meant to win, Conan. You were meant to win, Shinichi. And aside herself and despite herself, she would be applauding and cheering for your happiness when it came to be. Because you are more dear than love itself. Because she could see the love of your story, the little glass marble was yours for the taking, and hers was to let the warm tide take.
That horrible truth was that the bitter was attracted to sweet, and when the two combined, all it left was a broken heart in its wake. What was so sweet about something bittersweet? What had been sweet about the ending to her story-- that there had been justice to it? But there was no justice here.
Just the laws... of the world... that nothing was true. ]
But... no matter how unfair...
... to both of us...
[ She couldn't finish the sentence. A single line of support wasn't going to change a thing. But now it solidified her cement into something harder than diamond. As long as he needed a friend, she would be there. Even if his heart was broken for a thousand years, she would help him collect the pieces. Was this the sweet to the bitterness? No. It was the vow of her life. Her pathetic existence as a being removed from her gameboard was not pathetic if she could help him in the pain he shared.
Beatrice and Shinichi were the same. They were beings who existed on the prospect of love, where their true selves remained and pulled the strings.
And both strings on both dolls had been cut, and lest the truth hurt anyone else, it would have to make itself known.
She just held him tighter than she should, because she imagined holding that fake being, crying because he couldn't return to 'who he was'.
'Yasu' held 'Conan' while 'Beatrice' held 'Shinichi'.
It wasn't clear, but she didn't care. ]
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