(no subject)
I fell really heavy today. And I hate my livejournal for the fact that it's either a useless piece of garbage, or a means to keep track of my failures. I've had this thing for five years, and all it consists of is 'hey, look at this guy' and 'oh hey, I fucked up again'. I want to feel like I have other emotions, and positive stretches in my life, and I know that I do. I guess I just don't document them.
But I'm documenting today because I'm feeling fucking toxic and it has to go somewhere, and better here than on my skin.
I am wildly, wildly co-dependent. I'm miserable and triggering and lost in my own head because of a series of uncontrolled circumstances. Life sucks, I'm a cry baby, blah blah blah.
I had a conversation with Josh earlier, in which he asked me what the hell it was that was so enticing about Robert Downey, Jr. I spouted off the usual bullshit about how attractive he is, what a great actor he is.
But I can't even tell my own husband that RDJ is my hero because this dude has survived multitudes of shit, addiction, and he's come away from it. He's a better, stronger person because of it. On most days, it gives me hope, and something to strive for. Days like today, it makes me wonder how much longer I have to drag myself through the mud.
I feel like I repeat this an unholy amount of times, but I'm tired. I'm tired of the upward battle of being healthy, in every sense of the word. I'm tired of life being hard, I'm tired of having to fight the little voices in my head, and I'm tired of ignoring the demon on my shoulder.
I'm just fucking tired.
But I'm documenting today because I'm feeling fucking toxic and it has to go somewhere, and better here than on my skin.
I am wildly, wildly co-dependent. I'm miserable and triggering and lost in my own head because of a series of uncontrolled circumstances. Life sucks, I'm a cry baby, blah blah blah.
I had a conversation with Josh earlier, in which he asked me what the hell it was that was so enticing about Robert Downey, Jr. I spouted off the usual bullshit about how attractive he is, what a great actor he is.
But I can't even tell my own husband that RDJ is my hero because this dude has survived multitudes of shit, addiction, and he's come away from it. He's a better, stronger person because of it. On most days, it gives me hope, and something to strive for. Days like today, it makes me wonder how much longer I have to drag myself through the mud.
I feel like I repeat this an unholy amount of times, but I'm tired. I'm tired of the upward battle of being healthy, in every sense of the word. I'm tired of life being hard, I'm tired of having to fight the little voices in my head, and I'm tired of ignoring the demon on my shoulder.
I'm just fucking tired.