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[This journal entry was meant to be private, but it failed to be so.]
I never understood why nightmares had to be so scary. If it's in your head and you know it's only a dream, why do you get scared? It's not real. It can't actually hurt you. But you lose sleep from it anyway and it starts to drive you crazy. Some nights I don't sleep at all, like I'm too afraid to even close my eyes. I think it's true. I can see my nightmares when I close my eyes in the middle of the day, when I'm staring at the sky, or when I'm not doing anything in relation to it at all. I hate it. I want it to stop.
No matter what I've told myself, it doesn't help.
What I hate more than my nightmare is how it happened. If I could have kept control I wouldn't have changed. I wouldn't have attacked anyway. I wouldn't have been given these terrors.
It's true that some nights they're not bad, I don't even get them. I can sleep all night for ten hours and not have to wake up sweating or crying. Last night, though, was the worst. I slept about an hour before having to get up and walk around. At least it was nice outside the division. Quiet. I talked to a few men who were on watch duty, though most of the Shinigami don't seem to want to talk to me anymore, either.
It wasn't my fault.
It never was my fault.
It's not any Vaizard's fault!
I hate the people who hate us. It's not fair.
But I don't hate them enough to care enough to do anything. Those people aren't worth the aggravation. They'll see, one day. They'll see. Until then I just have to look at everyone equally, because deep down that's what we all are. Equals.
I also don't hate Izuru for doing this to me. The nightmares aren't his fault, even if it was his bankai. That's what he does. It was the only way to stop me. I know what I can do with my mask on. It's weird and frightening to think I did something without being able to control it. I think more than anything I just hate myself because I was too weak.
No one would train with me, though. I can't get stronger if I don't try to work it off. But no one would train with me. I don't want to ask one of the guys. Kensei's trained with me for decades, he's probably sick of it. The same old thing. That, and he's probably busy working for Renji. It sounds like something big went down the other day. Renji, Izuru, and Hitsugaya-taichou didn't look to hot when I saw them briefly. I wonder what happened.
I don't want to ask Shinji or Lisa or Rose. They have their own things to do. And I can't ask anyone in my division. Even if they smile at me and wave on their own, I don't think they'd like to face swords with me. I shouldn't ask Izuru either--whether he's healed from whatever happened or not! He's done enough for me.
Maybe I'll go find someone who will fight. I'd say asking someone in the Eleventh, but I'm kind of afraid they won't stop fighting once we start.
Guess I'm on my own for training. And these nightmares will stop eventually. I just have to wait it out and tell myself it's just a dream. Nothing's going to happen.
I never understood why nightmares had to be so scary. If it's in your head and you know it's only a dream, why do you get scared? It's not real. It can't actually hurt you. But you lose sleep from it anyway and it starts to drive you crazy. Some nights I don't sleep at all, like I'm too afraid to even close my eyes. I think it's true. I can see my nightmares when I close my eyes in the middle of the day, when I'm staring at the sky, or when I'm not doing anything in relation to it at all. I hate it. I want it to stop.
No matter what I've told myself, it doesn't help.
What I hate more than my nightmare is how it happened. If I could have kept control I wouldn't have changed. I wouldn't have attacked anyway. I wouldn't have been given these terrors.
It's true that some nights they're not bad, I don't even get them. I can sleep all night for ten hours and not have to wake up sweating or crying. Last night, though, was the worst. I slept about an hour before having to get up and walk around. At least it was nice outside the division. Quiet. I talked to a few men who were on watch duty, though most of the Shinigami don't seem to want to talk to me anymore, either.
It wasn't my fault.
It never was my fault.
It's not any Vaizard's fault!
I hate the people who hate us. It's not fair.
But I don't hate them enough to care enough to do anything. Those people aren't worth the aggravation. They'll see, one day. They'll see. Until then I just have to look at everyone equally, because deep down that's what we all are. Equals.
I also don't hate Izuru for doing this to me. The nightmares aren't his fault, even if it was his bankai. That's what he does. It was the only way to stop me. I know what I can do with my mask on. It's weird and frightening to think I did something without being able to control it. I think more than anything I just hate myself because I was too weak.
No one would train with me, though. I can't get stronger if I don't try to work it off. But no one would train with me. I don't want to ask one of the guys. Kensei's trained with me for decades, he's probably sick of it. The same old thing. That, and he's probably busy working for Renji. It sounds like something big went down the other day. Renji, Izuru, and Hitsugaya-taichou didn't look to hot when I saw them briefly. I wonder what happened.
I don't want to ask Shinji or Lisa or Rose. They have their own things to do. And I can't ask anyone in my division. Even if they smile at me and wave on their own, I don't think they'd like to face swords with me. I shouldn't ask Izuru either--whether he's healed from whatever happened or not! He's done enough for me.
Maybe I'll go find someone who will fight. I'd say asking someone in the Eleventh, but I'm kind of afraid they won't stop fighting once we start.
Guess I'm on my own for training. And these nightmares will stop eventually. I just have to wait it out and tell myself it's just a dream. Nothing's going to happen.