Day 4 - Sexual Assault
It's become something of a "thing" that I write the essay for this particular topic for Valentines. Last year's essay was an incredibly difficult one to write, as I discussed having been raped and some of the fallout of that event. This year, I'm going to look at it slightly differently.
I don't know if it's something in the way I carry myself - the way I stand, how I talk, whatever - but I sometimes wonder if there's a flashing red sign above my head saying "Victim! Vulnerable!", or something of that nature. I suppose that it's also possible that I just notice things when they happen to me now, that I'm wary enough that the predatory and inappropriate ways that some men behave around me doesn't go unnoticed. Either way, I hate it. I hate the rape culture that we live in that not only permits these things to happen, but subtly encourages men to think that it's alright to treat women like they're things rather than people who deserve respect.
I have very few male friends, because most of the men I know don't understand what that last sentence means. Last year, I lost two people who I thought either were friends or could become friends. One of them asked if he could see my breasts and the other asked if I would perform oral sex on him. Now, I'd been very careful with my behavior around these men, watching myself sharply to make sure that there was no "encouraging" or "inappropriate" behaviors or language. I was careful not to "lead them on", because I've been accused of that in the past. I had no sexual or romantic interest in either of them, and had thought that they both understood that. I had known one for years and he knew my issues. The other I'd only known a few months, but he had a partner and two month old twins - I thought I was safe with both of them. In the wake of these incidents I found myself feeling incredibly violated.
Both of these encounters left me shaking, in a tail-spin, and questioning my own behavior. Had I really been careful? Had I slipped up and flirted? Did I do something to indicate interest? Even more insidious was that little voice in the back of my head - was I wrong to say no? Both men found me attractive and desired me - and due to my weight, I'm not usually considered to be either attractive or desirable by many people. Should I have done what they wanted?
Of course I shouldn't have. Of course it was completely out of line and inappropriate for either of them to behave the way they did - even if I had been flirting, that should not have been taken as an invitation to literally out of the blue ask me to expose myself or perform sex acts for them. I'm not surprised that they triggered panicked reactions in me - but even if they hadn't, what they did was not right.
We live in a culture that thinks that "boys will be boys" and that men should be allowed to "sow their wild oats". Male sexuality is valued highly - the studs and pimps are people of note, and whores and sluts are people who should be ashamed of themselves. We live in a rape culture, and it sickens me. Men Can Stop Rape is an organization that brings men into the fight against that rape culture, educating them and, in a campaign launched last month, asks them "Where do you stand?" and conducts trainings to "discuss bystander intervention strategies and how men can prevent and respond to gender-based violence and sexism." I can't say enough good things about this idea and this organization's goals. If more men were aware of and cared about these issues, the world would be a much, much better place.