Passage Through the Night - Prologue
Title: Passage Through the Night - Prologue
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,229
Warnings: Character Death
Summary: Yunho doesn’t want to live in a world without Jaejoong. He finds out that anything can be bought if one is only willing to pay the price.
A/N: Long A/N… Sorry! This is a chaptered piece that I’ve been working on for a very long time, so I’d really appreciate if you could comment to let me know what you think. This fic is unusual in that it's quite dark compared to my other works, but please don't be turned off by that - I am an eternal sucker for happy endings.
I’ve been listening to an experimental instrumental song called ‘Remain’ by cellz cellar while writing and editing this, but I also included a few lyrics from other songs in the story (when I wrote the first draft, I was in a lyrics phase ^^). Any lyrics used will have the artist and song title listed at the end of the chapter!
*****
These tears you cry have come too late.
You are lost; you can never go home.
(December 1st)
Yunho awoke to walls so painfully white that he was tempted to just close his eyes and fall back asleep. However, the steady, mechanical beeping of a heart monitor brought to him a startling realization.
The hospital.
He was in the hospital.
Now that he was giving his surroundings more attention, he could feel the IV attached to the back of his hand, leaving a tight pinching sensation in the thin layer of skin there. He became aware of the slightly roughened fabric of the hospital gown rubbing against the side of his neck and the bandages wrapped securely around his chest constricting the movement caused by each breath he took.
He blinked slowly, trying to remember why he was here in the first place. He was sore all over and his head ached fiercely, throbbing in time with each beat of his heart. He was confused. He couldn’t remember what had happened - had he been in an accident? Reaching out, he tried to find the call button for the hospital staff. Surely they would be able to explain why he was here and how he had gotten hurt.
“Hyung,” a sob sounded from the edge of the bed. Yunho’s head turned sharply towards the sound and saw Changmin shoot to his feet from the chair he had been slumped in and lean over the bed, distraught. Yunho looked up at his dongsaeng in relief, but slowly grew concerned as he noticed the sickly pale tone of Changmin’s face and the way his hand shook as it clasped Yunho’s tenderly.
“Changmin-ah, what’s going on? I -” he asked, his gaze searching for answers in Changmin’s red-rimmed eyes. Changmin stared down at him with tight lips and drawn brows, as if he didn’t know where to start.
Then suddenly the fog in Yunho’s mind began to clear, and he remembered: the dimly lit street; Jaejoong’s face illuminated in a halo of yellow and orange.
Snow.
And headlights.
Yunho sat straight up in panic, fully alert and not feeling even a whisper of the pain that had been overwhelming him only a moment ago.
“Jaejoong! Where is he? I need to see him.” He dropped Changmin’s hand and haphazardly began ripping off the various tubes and wires that were connected to him.
As Yunho swung his legs off the side of the bed, Changmin collapsed backward into the hard-backed hospital chair. His head was lowered as he wrung his trembling hands in his lap. The room was filled only with the steady blaring of the heart monitor, whose sensor had been tossed carelessly to the floor.
“What room is he in? I don’t care what management thinks, I’m going to see him,” Yunho asserted, already on his feet and turning towards the doorway.
“Jaejoong-hyung -” Changmin’s voice broke as he spoke Jaejoong’s name.
Yunho stilled at the strangeness of Changmin’s tone and spun to face the younger man, listening intently. He noticed then that Changmin’s eyes were damp with tears and looked swollen and irritated, as though he had already been crying for quite some time. A heavy, dreadful feeling began to flood his chest.
“No,” Yunho whispered harshly without even realizing. “Changmin…” he pleaded to the younger man, meeting his pained gaze as Changmin looked up briefly.
Changmin tilted his head downwards, avoiding Yunho’s eyes once more, and clenched his hands tightly.
“H-he didn’t make it hyung. Jaejoong-hyung didn’t -” he spoke softly. His shoulders trembled now, too, as a gasping sob escaped his chest.
The world around Yunho shrank to erratically pounding heartbeats and ragged breaths as his legs gave way beneath him. His hands instinctively splayed out against the cool tiles of the hospital’s floor to break his fall, but he was otherwise motionless in his agony and could only stare blankly towards his best friend while he wrapped his mind around the reality of the situation.
Jaejoong was dead?
Jaejoong couldn’t be dead.
Yunho had pushed Jaejoong away from the car and he was still here, bruised and sore, but here, so Jaejoong should be fine too.
Jaejoong was a good, wonderful, kind person; things like this didn’t happen to people like Jaejoong.
Never Jaejoong - his Jaejoong.
“No. I saved him, Changmin-ah! I saved him!” He grabbed the leg of Changmin’s pants, his voice begging. He clung to the fabric with all the desperation of a dying man.
He felt like he was dying. Dying. Dead. Jaejoong was dead.
Oh god.
This couldn’t be happening. Yunho had let Jaejoong go, pushed him away so that he could stop hurting, but this - this was excruciating. All the anger and pain of JYJ’s separation from TVXQ was nothing compared to this horrible emptiness growing within his chest; it was a great beast consuming every part of him and leaving nothing but despair.
He’s gone, just like that, Yunho thought. How had he never realized how quickly, how easily, it could all slip away from him until it was too late? He’d never again see smiles and laughter hidden shyly behind soft hands or sparkles of mirth lighting the endless depths of Jaejoong’s eyes. He’d never get the chance to hold him one last time, to tell him -
Yunho’s thoughts came to a standstill.
He thought I didn’t love him anymore, Yunho realized suddenly and was overwhelmed by burning regret.
He had been so foolish; he had given up the best thing that had ever happened to him. And for what: to please his management; to prove to his family that he could be ‘normal’; to keep himself from being hurt again?
He knew now that it wasn’t worth even one percent of the love he and Jaejoong had shared.
Jaejoong died thinking that the person he loved most in this world hated him, Yunho knew it with heart-wrenching certainty. He wished, then, that he had died too.
Unable to control it, an anguished moan began to emerge from Yunho’s throat. He brought a hand up to cover his mouth in an attempt to muffle it, but the horrible, empty noise couldn’t be stopped. Changmin silently slid out of the chair and knelt next to him. At that moment all Yunho could focus on aside from the overwhelming, agonizing pain was the sensation of the soft material of Changmin’s sweatpants as it brushed against his bare leg. Changmin was here, right here next to him, and he still felt like he had been abandoned, alone in this world filled only with hurt and loss.
He reached out blindly and their arms wrapped around each other, hands clutching firmly enough to bruise the skin beneath. Hot, burning tears slipped along Yunho’s neck when Changmin pressed his face into the curve Yunho’s shoulder. The warmth of Changmin’s embrace was a stark contrast to the frost growing inside of him with each passing second.
They held each other as though the world was ending.
For Yunho, it was.
*****
He gazed at the body encased in white sheets and clasped the still hand between his own as his tears welled over onto cheeks layered with scrapes and bruises. Lovingly, he traced the closed eyes, the silent mouth.
“Please. Please come back to me. I’ll do anything, please,” he cried out to deaf ears.
*****
Lyrics Used:
Lord of the Rings Soundtrack - Gollum’s Song
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,229
Warnings: Character Death
Summary: Yunho doesn’t want to live in a world without Jaejoong. He finds out that anything can be bought if one is only willing to pay the price.
A/N: Long A/N… Sorry! This is a chaptered piece that I’ve been working on for a very long time, so I’d really appreciate if you could comment to let me know what you think. This fic is unusual in that it's quite dark compared to my other works, but please don't be turned off by that - I am an eternal sucker for happy endings.
I’ve been listening to an experimental instrumental song called ‘Remain’ by cellz cellar while writing and editing this, but I also included a few lyrics from other songs in the story (when I wrote the first draft, I was in a lyrics phase ^^). Any lyrics used will have the artist and song title listed at the end of the chapter!
*****
These tears you cry have come too late.
You are lost; you can never go home.
(December 1st)
Yunho awoke to walls so painfully white that he was tempted to just close his eyes and fall back asleep. However, the steady, mechanical beeping of a heart monitor brought to him a startling realization.
The hospital.
He was in the hospital.
Now that he was giving his surroundings more attention, he could feel the IV attached to the back of his hand, leaving a tight pinching sensation in the thin layer of skin there. He became aware of the slightly roughened fabric of the hospital gown rubbing against the side of his neck and the bandages wrapped securely around his chest constricting the movement caused by each breath he took.
He blinked slowly, trying to remember why he was here in the first place. He was sore all over and his head ached fiercely, throbbing in time with each beat of his heart. He was confused. He couldn’t remember what had happened - had he been in an accident? Reaching out, he tried to find the call button for the hospital staff. Surely they would be able to explain why he was here and how he had gotten hurt.
“Hyung,” a sob sounded from the edge of the bed. Yunho’s head turned sharply towards the sound and saw Changmin shoot to his feet from the chair he had been slumped in and lean over the bed, distraught. Yunho looked up at his dongsaeng in relief, but slowly grew concerned as he noticed the sickly pale tone of Changmin’s face and the way his hand shook as it clasped Yunho’s tenderly.
“Changmin-ah, what’s going on? I -” he asked, his gaze searching for answers in Changmin’s red-rimmed eyes. Changmin stared down at him with tight lips and drawn brows, as if he didn’t know where to start.
Then suddenly the fog in Yunho’s mind began to clear, and he remembered: the dimly lit street; Jaejoong’s face illuminated in a halo of yellow and orange.
Snow.
And headlights.
Yunho sat straight up in panic, fully alert and not feeling even a whisper of the pain that had been overwhelming him only a moment ago.
“Jaejoong! Where is he? I need to see him.” He dropped Changmin’s hand and haphazardly began ripping off the various tubes and wires that were connected to him.
As Yunho swung his legs off the side of the bed, Changmin collapsed backward into the hard-backed hospital chair. His head was lowered as he wrung his trembling hands in his lap. The room was filled only with the steady blaring of the heart monitor, whose sensor had been tossed carelessly to the floor.
“What room is he in? I don’t care what management thinks, I’m going to see him,” Yunho asserted, already on his feet and turning towards the doorway.
“Jaejoong-hyung -” Changmin’s voice broke as he spoke Jaejoong’s name.
Yunho stilled at the strangeness of Changmin’s tone and spun to face the younger man, listening intently. He noticed then that Changmin’s eyes were damp with tears and looked swollen and irritated, as though he had already been crying for quite some time. A heavy, dreadful feeling began to flood his chest.
“No,” Yunho whispered harshly without even realizing. “Changmin…” he pleaded to the younger man, meeting his pained gaze as Changmin looked up briefly.
Changmin tilted his head downwards, avoiding Yunho’s eyes once more, and clenched his hands tightly.
“H-he didn’t make it hyung. Jaejoong-hyung didn’t -” he spoke softly. His shoulders trembled now, too, as a gasping sob escaped his chest.
The world around Yunho shrank to erratically pounding heartbeats and ragged breaths as his legs gave way beneath him. His hands instinctively splayed out against the cool tiles of the hospital’s floor to break his fall, but he was otherwise motionless in his agony and could only stare blankly towards his best friend while he wrapped his mind around the reality of the situation.
Jaejoong was dead?
Jaejoong couldn’t be dead.
Yunho had pushed Jaejoong away from the car and he was still here, bruised and sore, but here, so Jaejoong should be fine too.
Jaejoong was a good, wonderful, kind person; things like this didn’t happen to people like Jaejoong.
Never Jaejoong - his Jaejoong.
“No. I saved him, Changmin-ah! I saved him!” He grabbed the leg of Changmin’s pants, his voice begging. He clung to the fabric with all the desperation of a dying man.
He felt like he was dying. Dying. Dead. Jaejoong was dead.
Oh god.
This couldn’t be happening. Yunho had let Jaejoong go, pushed him away so that he could stop hurting, but this - this was excruciating. All the anger and pain of JYJ’s separation from TVXQ was nothing compared to this horrible emptiness growing within his chest; it was a great beast consuming every part of him and leaving nothing but despair.
He’s gone, just like that, Yunho thought. How had he never realized how quickly, how easily, it could all slip away from him until it was too late? He’d never again see smiles and laughter hidden shyly behind soft hands or sparkles of mirth lighting the endless depths of Jaejoong’s eyes. He’d never get the chance to hold him one last time, to tell him -
Yunho’s thoughts came to a standstill.
He thought I didn’t love him anymore, Yunho realized suddenly and was overwhelmed by burning regret.
He had been so foolish; he had given up the best thing that had ever happened to him. And for what: to please his management; to prove to his family that he could be ‘normal’; to keep himself from being hurt again?
He knew now that it wasn’t worth even one percent of the love he and Jaejoong had shared.
Jaejoong died thinking that the person he loved most in this world hated him, Yunho knew it with heart-wrenching certainty. He wished, then, that he had died too.
Unable to control it, an anguished moan began to emerge from Yunho’s throat. He brought a hand up to cover his mouth in an attempt to muffle it, but the horrible, empty noise couldn’t be stopped. Changmin silently slid out of the chair and knelt next to him. At that moment all Yunho could focus on aside from the overwhelming, agonizing pain was the sensation of the soft material of Changmin’s sweatpants as it brushed against his bare leg. Changmin was here, right here next to him, and he still felt like he had been abandoned, alone in this world filled only with hurt and loss.
He reached out blindly and their arms wrapped around each other, hands clutching firmly enough to bruise the skin beneath. Hot, burning tears slipped along Yunho’s neck when Changmin pressed his face into the curve Yunho’s shoulder. The warmth of Changmin’s embrace was a stark contrast to the frost growing inside of him with each passing second.
They held each other as though the world was ending.
For Yunho, it was.
*****
He gazed at the body encased in white sheets and clasped the still hand between his own as his tears welled over onto cheeks layered with scrapes and bruises. Lovingly, he traced the closed eyes, the silent mouth.
“Please. Please come back to me. I’ll do anything, please,” he cried out to deaf ears.
*****
Lyrics Used:
Lord of the Rings Soundtrack - Gollum’s Song