FIC: Assignment: Enterprise (WIP)
BY THE WAY, I know that Karl Urban is from New Zealand. Donna doesn’t.
EDIT: regarding the sex of Kirk, it's a SURPRISE and it's part of the plot
For a PROMPT
She stared at the wreckage, blinking against the soft spray of rain that had just started a minute ago. The police were in raincoats waving for the cars on the highway to slow down and follow the signs. Huddling underneath her hoodie, Rose sniffled and glanced at the Doctor. He watched the rescue crew work with an odd intensity. Reaching out, she took his hand. He turned to her and took a deep breath, smiling sadly. Uncertain, she tugged and gave him a soft smile.
‘Doctor…’ She said quietly. ‘Did you… did you know them?’
He turned back to the scene, his blue eyes distant and dark. ‘I guess you can say that.’
Staring at him, she wondered who these people were. Biting her lower lip, she turned back to watching the scene unfold. The paramedics had arrived now in the ambulance. Suddenly, the Doctor let go of her hand and ducked under the police tape, striding to the car which had been flattened in a collision with an oncoming truck. A police officer frowned and came towards him, baton out.
‘Sir, sir - this is a police scene I’ll have to ask you to please-‘
She watched as the Doctor reached into his leather coat and flashed his telegraphic papers. Whatever the policeman saw made him close his mouth and immediately step away, letting him through to the paramedics. She watched as he stared down at the two dead persons, lying in the body bags, ready to be zipped up and carted away. With a solemn expression, he leaned down and whispered something to each of them and then zipped them up, one at a time.
When he came back, he walked right past her and headed for the TARDIS. Swallowing, she stared at his back and wondered what he had seen, if the bodies had been all mangled, and why he bothered looking at all. She wouldn’t; she wouldn’t torture herself like that, knowing that she could have stopped it, but couldn’t, didn’t, chose not to. But she understood - look what happened when she tried to stop her dad from dying? Trembling from the chill, Rose glanced back at the car wreck again and then hurried after him.
===
Three Year Later…
‘AND here we are - tadah!’
Donna stepped through the TARDIS doors with a huge grin on her face, which promptly disappeared. Behind her, the Doctor also stepped out, crotch forward and hands in his coat pockets, schoolboy grin in place. ‘Oh I just love this place - every time I visit it, it’s always the best. Did I ever tell you, I’ve brought Martha here - well, yes but that was like years ago, well I mean, it was a year ago, but here it was like, ohh, probably a few years ago but still…’
Whipping around, she put her hands on her hips and glared. ‘We’re in a closet, why are we in a closet, do you SEE all those clothes on racks there?’ Striding off towards the nearest rack, she grabbed the flimsy little red mini-dress and glared at him, ‘WHAT is this place, some kind of kinky Japanese strip club for computer geeks? Honestly, a Star Trek uniform? Are those freaky gan-googoo girls going to dress up and pretend they’re Uhura?’
He gave her an astonished stare and then came at her, arms out and laughing, ‘Donna you’re amazing!! You’ve been reading Sci-fi magazine haven’t you! Haven’t you! There’s my girl!’
With some consternation, she swung her hand back and slapped him. In the chest. ‘Get me out of this giant closet! NOW!’
‘There, there, haven’t you ever read C. S. Lewis?’ Rubbing at his chest with a mildly hurt look, the Doctor put on his glasses and gawked at the place, ‘I could have sworn that these were the right coordinates.’
Well you thought wrong, you big stupid bride-kidnapping alien, Donna thought with a huff, putting the dress back on the hanger. He stared turning in circles, peering at the racks with that ugly face he did when he was straining. She rolled her eyes, crossed her arms and tapped her foot. This infuriating man, HONESTLY, getting her all excited about visiting Star Trek, as in STAR TREK, the REAL Star Trek (apparently the bloke who wrote it was from the future - who would have guessed??) with FAT SHAT, and Mr. Pointy-ears and Karl Urban with a sexy American accent (though she’ll totally take him with that Australian accent too). ‘Look Doctor, if this is a joke-‘
‘Oh it’s no joke!’ The Doctor said loudly with a flourish of his silly eyebrows, peering at the clothing selection and whipping out his silly little pen screwdriver and swishing it about. The lights turned on. Donna rolled her eyes. Oh why doesn’t he just get a tattoo of a lightning bolt on his forehead and shout LUMOS.
‘AHA!’ He said loudly, rushing forwards and picking up a particularly tacky looking outfit. It looked like something her grandma would knit. It was a mini-dress in tweed, in plain grey and a really ugly shade of electric blue. AND there were tassles, like parts of the mini became a scarf or something. ‘ROMULAN! I knew it! Twenty-third century - latter half too.’ He tucked his nose into the dress and took a deep sniff. His eye closed and he made a pleased noise in the back of his throat. ‘Silk from Vulcan - amazing!’
Donna gave him a disgusted look. What a pervert! Some girl had to wear that!
His eyes flicked to her and he quickly put it back, ‘It’s brand new, never been wore before.’
‘Wot-eva!’ She snipped, staring at the ceiling and flicking her hair over her shoulder.
Suddenly, something behind them swished and there was an angry ‘WHAT THE-!’
Donna glared at the Doctor, who in turn flapped his gawp uselessly, his face a picture of “who me?” - well she didn’t buy it. Pointing a finger at the TARDIS, she gave him a dirty look. ‘How is blocking the door the right coordinates?’
‘Well, technically you said that you wanted to get in-‘ At the look on her face, he closed his mouth and held up a finger, ‘Give me a minute.’
‘You - have - ten - seconds!’
‘Human or TARDIS? RIGHT, don’t answer that! Um, crewman or crewwoman or um, crew unidentified gender, please get out of the way! I’m going to be moving the blue box blocking the quartermaster’s storage bay now and I don’t want anyone to get hurt! So just,’ The Doctor pointed his wand at the TARDIS, and closed one eye, like he was going to shoot an apple or something, ‘Stay… back.’
====
‘Bridge to Sickbay.’
Leonard McCoy put down his tricorder, gave the young Ensign present for her yearly check up a small smile of reassurance and looked up at the ceiling, sighing because dammit, he should have known the bridge would call him before an hour of his shift had gone past.
‘McCoy here, what’s happening?’ He asked, frowning, because Chekov was making the call and that was pretty unusual.
‘Um, well Doctor, the Captain, says two people here, with blue box, want to see you, sir.’ Chekov’s uncertain voice muttered through the intercom. ‘Quartermaster’s fitting room.’
Blue box? Leonard McCoy felt his eyebrows hit his forehead. That damn blood-licking, pen-waving maniac with a silly British accent and a ridiculous amount of hair gel! With a thunderous frown, he headed for the door like he had a score to settle. ‘Nurse, look after the Ensign - call M’Benga and tell him I’m putting him in charge and to get back from his damn Vulcan meditation thing right now.’
Flustered, Nurse Chapel barely caught the tricroder thrust at her. ‘AH- yes sir!’
Striding through the corridors, crew scrambled out of his way, uncertain of what had gone wrong to send Doctor McCoy into such a dark mood. Going down the turbolifts and swiftly storming to the end of the hall, he entered without so much as a do-you-mind. ‘NOW you listen here you crazy Englishman, I have had it up to here with your razzling-and-dazzling, this is the Starfleet flagship and I won’t have you coming here and causing any trouble! One tiny crack in the hull, ONE tiny crack and this could all go to the dogs, and I KNOW you, things explode around you! And I WON’T - you hear me - WON’T be having you endangering the lives of every single person on this ship which I am responsible for-!’
Leonard McCoy stopped speaking mid-speech and flailed helplessly, his eyes wide as a red blur attacked him and mauled his face. Staring frantically at Kirk, Spock, Chekov and that snarky Englishman, he pointed at the redhead who had attached herself to his lips and seemed to be focused on kissing him to death.
‘Ummm-MAH!’ She exclaimed, pulling away and giving him a look of deep satisfaction, ‘And that, was from my cousin Shazza, she’s got a massive crush on you and -‘ The crazy woman sighed dreamily and stood back, staring at him with her hands over her heart, ’-oh my, you ARE a Karl Urban look alike, and that accent!’
Staring at the deeply disturbed young woman, Doctor McCoy frowned. ‘Um, if you’ll um, excuse me, I’ve got to um-‘ He gestured vaguely in the direction where the others stood. Hurrying away from the crazy redhead, Doctor McCoy jerked his thumb back and raised his eyebrows. Kirk grinned irrepressibly and shrugged. His eyes narrowed - even when it wasn’t Kirk’s fault, it was Kirk’s fault.
‘Well, Doctor, looks like you got yourself a fan.’ The cheeky Englishman announced, enunciating his words.
Walking up to the man and staring him down, he felt an urge to simultaneously strangle him, punch him, hug him and kiss him. He settled on shaking him, ‘ARE YOU INSANE! WHAT were you thinking! Good God, you could have gotten yourself KILLED, man!
The Doctor beamed at him, ‘It’s lovely to see you too!’
With a deep breath, Leonard McCoy broke out into a smile and gave the man a big hug, laughing because this had to be the wiliest, sneakiest, death-defying, law-bending, luckiest son of a bitch he’d ever met before in his life - short of Kirk, that is. ‘You son of a gun! It’s been too long!’ Drawing back, he gave the alien a quick once over, ‘You haven’t aged a day. You’re not an El-Aurian are you?’
‘Ohh… no, not that easy I’m afraid - guess the bet is still on, eh, my Doctor!’ The alien replied with his typical English smarm. Damn bastard.
Suddenly aware that both the Captain and the First Officer, as well as Ensign Chekov was staring at him, he pulled back quickly and tugged his uniform straight, clearing his throat and looking away. ‘Um, Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, Ensign Chekov, may I present to you, the Doctor.’
‘Doctor who?’ Chekov said, a look of confusion coming over his face.
‘No, it’s the Doctor,’ The Doctor said, beaming at all of them, ‘Just - the Doctor.’
Exchanging glances with Spock, Kirk finally stepped forwards, hand out. ‘Well, Doctor, as it seems you really are an old friend of Bones, I guess you’ll be our guest for the time being - I will however, need to notify Starfleet.’
The Doctor laughed and with a little bit of glee, shook Kirk’s hand enthusiastically with both of his, ‘Very pleased to make your acquaintance, Captain, finally, after all these years, and may I say, you are looking very lovely today. And Mister Spock, oh, Commander Spock,’ The Englishman said, eyes shining and shaking his head like he couldn’t believe it. He finally let go of Kirk’s hand and did the Vulcan Salute, ‘Live Long and Prosper and the very, very best to making lots of babies!’
McCoy crossed his arms and felt a deep sense of satisfaction as Chekov choked, Spock raised both eyebrows, and Kirk covered his mouth and coughed. Suddenly he became aware that the crazy redhead was standing at his shoulders. He jumped a little but she wasn’t looking at him at all, instead she was staring at the scene with interest.
‘You know the Doctor then?’
He gazed upon the awkward conversation with dry amusement, ‘Not by choice, I can tell you.’
‘Oh, my, skinny latte, is that Fat Shat?’ She hissed, pointing at Kirk.
Fat Shat?? What the heck was that! Now he’s only known Kirk for six or so years, but Captain Fabulous and all round Federation hero had ever been a gram overweight in their entire life. ‘That is Captain Kirk, yes, of the USS Enterprise.’ He turned and blinked, looking at the woman. Who was she? Why was she with the Doctor? What happened to the lovely Miss Rose Tyler? ‘I’m sorry, Miss, but I don’t we’ve been introduced.’
If a lip rape was not considered an introduction. Well, he didn’t, but he suspected that his Captain might.
She held out her hand, and gave him a bright excited grin, ‘Donna Noble, personal assistant!’
Shaking her hand warily, he gave her a small smile, still confused by her presence. ‘Doctor Leonard McCoy, Chief of -‘
‘Oh I know who you are!’ She said, waving her hand, ‘My cousin Shazza’s got your mug all over her bedroom you know, I always tell her, darling, you’re dreaming, this man is three hundred years too young for ya, but does the girl listen!’
Doctor McCoy raised an eyebrow and decided that she mustn’t be human - humans didn’t live for three hundred years after all, and if her cousin was that age, then well… Miss Noble gave him a nudge and nodded towards the group, where the Doctor was now happily interrogating Ensign Chekov. The boy looked like he was going to faint, his eyes were so wide and his mouth was moving so fast. Knowing the fool, they were probably talking mathematics or crazy physics stuff.
‘Who’s the hunk with the blonde hair?’
He gestured at his best friend, ‘Who? The Captain?’
‘Yeah,’ She said, giving him a little toss of her hair, ‘Who is he? He looks nothing like The Shat if you know mean I mean - I mean, The Shat wasn’t bad, my mum said he was pretty hot, but when I was little he was just like,’ Miss Noble blew her cheeks out like she was a blowfish and mimicked something blowing up with her arms, complete with noises, ‘Like this you know?’
No. He didn’t. And he wondered if he could convince her to come in for a psychiatric consult, but he had a feeling it might just have something to do with their entire mysterious, unknown, freaky species. ‘That’s Captain Kirk, of the Enterprise. I don’t know who this “Shat” person is but I can assure you, Captain Kirk is not a “Shat”-‘ He shook his head - GOOD LORD he was sounding as crazy as they were now. This is what the Doctor and his people did to you! ‘-anyway! Look, why are you asking?’
Miss Noble didn’t answer. She wasn’t even looking at him anymore, instead her flinty eyes were going up and down Kirk’s form, casing the young Captain for one skin cell, one crease, one hair to coast in on. ‘He’s hot.’ She hissed, sotto voce.
Ah, so that’s why. He smiled in good humor, ‘Miss, let me just give you some advice. Captain Kirk is my best friend, and I can tell you right now, you don’t want to know that man whether he’s human, a woman or a Romulan. And trust me, you’re barking up the wrong tree.’
She suddenly looked at him, eyes wide and her jaw dropping. ‘Nooo way,’ She whispered, ‘Yoooou’re joking. Captain Kirk - gay, really?? Cos you know, Martha told me and everything and she was pretty pissed so I always thought she was having me on, but really?’ She turned back and gave a critical look, head tilting, ‘It’s always the nice ones isn’t it?’
Doctor Leonard McCoy rolled his eyes heavenward and knew he shouldn’t have gotten up this morning.
next
EDIT: regarding the sex of Kirk, it's a SURPRISE and it's part of the plot
For a PROMPT
She stared at the wreckage, blinking against the soft spray of rain that had just started a minute ago. The police were in raincoats waving for the cars on the highway to slow down and follow the signs. Huddling underneath her hoodie, Rose sniffled and glanced at the Doctor. He watched the rescue crew work with an odd intensity. Reaching out, she took his hand. He turned to her and took a deep breath, smiling sadly. Uncertain, she tugged and gave him a soft smile.
‘Doctor…’ She said quietly. ‘Did you… did you know them?’
He turned back to the scene, his blue eyes distant and dark. ‘I guess you can say that.’
Staring at him, she wondered who these people were. Biting her lower lip, she turned back to watching the scene unfold. The paramedics had arrived now in the ambulance. Suddenly, the Doctor let go of her hand and ducked under the police tape, striding to the car which had been flattened in a collision with an oncoming truck. A police officer frowned and came towards him, baton out.
‘Sir, sir - this is a police scene I’ll have to ask you to please-‘
She watched as the Doctor reached into his leather coat and flashed his telegraphic papers. Whatever the policeman saw made him close his mouth and immediately step away, letting him through to the paramedics. She watched as he stared down at the two dead persons, lying in the body bags, ready to be zipped up and carted away. With a solemn expression, he leaned down and whispered something to each of them and then zipped them up, one at a time.
When he came back, he walked right past her and headed for the TARDIS. Swallowing, she stared at his back and wondered what he had seen, if the bodies had been all mangled, and why he bothered looking at all. She wouldn’t; she wouldn’t torture herself like that, knowing that she could have stopped it, but couldn’t, didn’t, chose not to. But she understood - look what happened when she tried to stop her dad from dying? Trembling from the chill, Rose glanced back at the car wreck again and then hurried after him.
===
Three Year Later…
‘AND here we are - tadah!’
Donna stepped through the TARDIS doors with a huge grin on her face, which promptly disappeared. Behind her, the Doctor also stepped out, crotch forward and hands in his coat pockets, schoolboy grin in place. ‘Oh I just love this place - every time I visit it, it’s always the best. Did I ever tell you, I’ve brought Martha here - well, yes but that was like years ago, well I mean, it was a year ago, but here it was like, ohh, probably a few years ago but still…’
Whipping around, she put her hands on her hips and glared. ‘We’re in a closet, why are we in a closet, do you SEE all those clothes on racks there?’ Striding off towards the nearest rack, she grabbed the flimsy little red mini-dress and glared at him, ‘WHAT is this place, some kind of kinky Japanese strip club for computer geeks? Honestly, a Star Trek uniform? Are those freaky gan-googoo girls going to dress up and pretend they’re Uhura?’
He gave her an astonished stare and then came at her, arms out and laughing, ‘Donna you’re amazing!! You’ve been reading Sci-fi magazine haven’t you! Haven’t you! There’s my girl!’
With some consternation, she swung her hand back and slapped him. In the chest. ‘Get me out of this giant closet! NOW!’
‘There, there, haven’t you ever read C. S. Lewis?’ Rubbing at his chest with a mildly hurt look, the Doctor put on his glasses and gawked at the place, ‘I could have sworn that these were the right coordinates.’
Well you thought wrong, you big stupid bride-kidnapping alien, Donna thought with a huff, putting the dress back on the hanger. He stared turning in circles, peering at the racks with that ugly face he did when he was straining. She rolled her eyes, crossed her arms and tapped her foot. This infuriating man, HONESTLY, getting her all excited about visiting Star Trek, as in STAR TREK, the REAL Star Trek (apparently the bloke who wrote it was from the future - who would have guessed??) with FAT SHAT, and Mr. Pointy-ears and Karl Urban with a sexy American accent (though she’ll totally take him with that Australian accent too). ‘Look Doctor, if this is a joke-‘
‘Oh it’s no joke!’ The Doctor said loudly with a flourish of his silly eyebrows, peering at the clothing selection and whipping out his silly little pen screwdriver and swishing it about. The lights turned on. Donna rolled her eyes. Oh why doesn’t he just get a tattoo of a lightning bolt on his forehead and shout LUMOS.
‘AHA!’ He said loudly, rushing forwards and picking up a particularly tacky looking outfit. It looked like something her grandma would knit. It was a mini-dress in tweed, in plain grey and a really ugly shade of electric blue. AND there were tassles, like parts of the mini became a scarf or something. ‘ROMULAN! I knew it! Twenty-third century - latter half too.’ He tucked his nose into the dress and took a deep sniff. His eye closed and he made a pleased noise in the back of his throat. ‘Silk from Vulcan - amazing!’
Donna gave him a disgusted look. What a pervert! Some girl had to wear that!
His eyes flicked to her and he quickly put it back, ‘It’s brand new, never been wore before.’
‘Wot-eva!’ She snipped, staring at the ceiling and flicking her hair over her shoulder.
Suddenly, something behind them swished and there was an angry ‘WHAT THE-!’
Donna glared at the Doctor, who in turn flapped his gawp uselessly, his face a picture of “who me?” - well she didn’t buy it. Pointing a finger at the TARDIS, she gave him a dirty look. ‘How is blocking the door the right coordinates?’
‘Well, technically you said that you wanted to get in-‘ At the look on her face, he closed his mouth and held up a finger, ‘Give me a minute.’
‘You - have - ten - seconds!’
‘Human or TARDIS? RIGHT, don’t answer that! Um, crewman or crewwoman or um, crew unidentified gender, please get out of the way! I’m going to be moving the blue box blocking the quartermaster’s storage bay now and I don’t want anyone to get hurt! So just,’ The Doctor pointed his wand at the TARDIS, and closed one eye, like he was going to shoot an apple or something, ‘Stay… back.’
====
‘Bridge to Sickbay.’
Leonard McCoy put down his tricorder, gave the young Ensign present for her yearly check up a small smile of reassurance and looked up at the ceiling, sighing because dammit, he should have known the bridge would call him before an hour of his shift had gone past.
‘McCoy here, what’s happening?’ He asked, frowning, because Chekov was making the call and that was pretty unusual.
‘Um, well Doctor, the Captain, says two people here, with blue box, want to see you, sir.’ Chekov’s uncertain voice muttered through the intercom. ‘Quartermaster’s fitting room.’
Blue box? Leonard McCoy felt his eyebrows hit his forehead. That damn blood-licking, pen-waving maniac with a silly British accent and a ridiculous amount of hair gel! With a thunderous frown, he headed for the door like he had a score to settle. ‘Nurse, look after the Ensign - call M’Benga and tell him I’m putting him in charge and to get back from his damn Vulcan meditation thing right now.’
Flustered, Nurse Chapel barely caught the tricroder thrust at her. ‘AH- yes sir!’
Striding through the corridors, crew scrambled out of his way, uncertain of what had gone wrong to send Doctor McCoy into such a dark mood. Going down the turbolifts and swiftly storming to the end of the hall, he entered without so much as a do-you-mind. ‘NOW you listen here you crazy Englishman, I have had it up to here with your razzling-and-dazzling, this is the Starfleet flagship and I won’t have you coming here and causing any trouble! One tiny crack in the hull, ONE tiny crack and this could all go to the dogs, and I KNOW you, things explode around you! And I WON’T - you hear me - WON’T be having you endangering the lives of every single person on this ship which I am responsible for-!’
Leonard McCoy stopped speaking mid-speech and flailed helplessly, his eyes wide as a red blur attacked him and mauled his face. Staring frantically at Kirk, Spock, Chekov and that snarky Englishman, he pointed at the redhead who had attached herself to his lips and seemed to be focused on kissing him to death.
‘Ummm-MAH!’ She exclaimed, pulling away and giving him a look of deep satisfaction, ‘And that, was from my cousin Shazza, she’s got a massive crush on you and -‘ The crazy woman sighed dreamily and stood back, staring at him with her hands over her heart, ’-oh my, you ARE a Karl Urban look alike, and that accent!’
Staring at the deeply disturbed young woman, Doctor McCoy frowned. ‘Um, if you’ll um, excuse me, I’ve got to um-‘ He gestured vaguely in the direction where the others stood. Hurrying away from the crazy redhead, Doctor McCoy jerked his thumb back and raised his eyebrows. Kirk grinned irrepressibly and shrugged. His eyes narrowed - even when it wasn’t Kirk’s fault, it was Kirk’s fault.
‘Well, Doctor, looks like you got yourself a fan.’ The cheeky Englishman announced, enunciating his words.
Walking up to the man and staring him down, he felt an urge to simultaneously strangle him, punch him, hug him and kiss him. He settled on shaking him, ‘ARE YOU INSANE! WHAT were you thinking! Good God, you could have gotten yourself KILLED, man!
The Doctor beamed at him, ‘It’s lovely to see you too!’
With a deep breath, Leonard McCoy broke out into a smile and gave the man a big hug, laughing because this had to be the wiliest, sneakiest, death-defying, law-bending, luckiest son of a bitch he’d ever met before in his life - short of Kirk, that is. ‘You son of a gun! It’s been too long!’ Drawing back, he gave the alien a quick once over, ‘You haven’t aged a day. You’re not an El-Aurian are you?’
‘Ohh… no, not that easy I’m afraid - guess the bet is still on, eh, my Doctor!’ The alien replied with his typical English smarm. Damn bastard.
Suddenly aware that both the Captain and the First Officer, as well as Ensign Chekov was staring at him, he pulled back quickly and tugged his uniform straight, clearing his throat and looking away. ‘Um, Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, Ensign Chekov, may I present to you, the Doctor.’
‘Doctor who?’ Chekov said, a look of confusion coming over his face.
‘No, it’s the Doctor,’ The Doctor said, beaming at all of them, ‘Just - the Doctor.’
Exchanging glances with Spock, Kirk finally stepped forwards, hand out. ‘Well, Doctor, as it seems you really are an old friend of Bones, I guess you’ll be our guest for the time being - I will however, need to notify Starfleet.’
The Doctor laughed and with a little bit of glee, shook Kirk’s hand enthusiastically with both of his, ‘Very pleased to make your acquaintance, Captain, finally, after all these years, and may I say, you are looking very lovely today. And Mister Spock, oh, Commander Spock,’ The Englishman said, eyes shining and shaking his head like he couldn’t believe it. He finally let go of Kirk’s hand and did the Vulcan Salute, ‘Live Long and Prosper and the very, very best to making lots of babies!’
McCoy crossed his arms and felt a deep sense of satisfaction as Chekov choked, Spock raised both eyebrows, and Kirk covered his mouth and coughed. Suddenly he became aware that the crazy redhead was standing at his shoulders. He jumped a little but she wasn’t looking at him at all, instead she was staring at the scene with interest.
‘You know the Doctor then?’
He gazed upon the awkward conversation with dry amusement, ‘Not by choice, I can tell you.’
‘Oh, my, skinny latte, is that Fat Shat?’ She hissed, pointing at Kirk.
Fat Shat?? What the heck was that! Now he’s only known Kirk for six or so years, but Captain Fabulous and all round Federation hero had ever been a gram overweight in their entire life. ‘That is Captain Kirk, yes, of the USS Enterprise.’ He turned and blinked, looking at the woman. Who was she? Why was she with the Doctor? What happened to the lovely Miss Rose Tyler? ‘I’m sorry, Miss, but I don’t we’ve been introduced.’
If a lip rape was not considered an introduction. Well, he didn’t, but he suspected that his Captain might.
She held out her hand, and gave him a bright excited grin, ‘Donna Noble, personal assistant!’
Shaking her hand warily, he gave her a small smile, still confused by her presence. ‘Doctor Leonard McCoy, Chief of -‘
‘Oh I know who you are!’ She said, waving her hand, ‘My cousin Shazza’s got your mug all over her bedroom you know, I always tell her, darling, you’re dreaming, this man is three hundred years too young for ya, but does the girl listen!’
Doctor McCoy raised an eyebrow and decided that she mustn’t be human - humans didn’t live for three hundred years after all, and if her cousin was that age, then well… Miss Noble gave him a nudge and nodded towards the group, where the Doctor was now happily interrogating Ensign Chekov. The boy looked like he was going to faint, his eyes were so wide and his mouth was moving so fast. Knowing the fool, they were probably talking mathematics or crazy physics stuff.
‘Who’s the hunk with the blonde hair?’
He gestured at his best friend, ‘Who? The Captain?’
‘Yeah,’ She said, giving him a little toss of her hair, ‘Who is he? He looks nothing like The Shat if you know mean I mean - I mean, The Shat wasn’t bad, my mum said he was pretty hot, but when I was little he was just like,’ Miss Noble blew her cheeks out like she was a blowfish and mimicked something blowing up with her arms, complete with noises, ‘Like this you know?’
No. He didn’t. And he wondered if he could convince her to come in for a psychiatric consult, but he had a feeling it might just have something to do with their entire mysterious, unknown, freaky species. ‘That’s Captain Kirk, of the Enterprise. I don’t know who this “Shat” person is but I can assure you, Captain Kirk is not a “Shat”-‘ He shook his head - GOOD LORD he was sounding as crazy as they were now. This is what the Doctor and his people did to you! ‘-anyway! Look, why are you asking?’
Miss Noble didn’t answer. She wasn’t even looking at him anymore, instead her flinty eyes were going up and down Kirk’s form, casing the young Captain for one skin cell, one crease, one hair to coast in on. ‘He’s hot.’ She hissed, sotto voce.
Ah, so that’s why. He smiled in good humor, ‘Miss, let me just give you some advice. Captain Kirk is my best friend, and I can tell you right now, you don’t want to know that man whether he’s human, a woman or a Romulan. And trust me, you’re barking up the wrong tree.’
She suddenly looked at him, eyes wide and her jaw dropping. ‘Nooo way,’ She whispered, ‘Yoooou’re joking. Captain Kirk - gay, really?? Cos you know, Martha told me and everything and she was pretty pissed so I always thought she was having me on, but really?’ She turned back and gave a critical look, head tilting, ‘It’s always the nice ones isn’t it?’
Doctor Leonard McCoy rolled his eyes heavenward and knew he shouldn’t have gotten up this morning.
next