(no subject)
I want to cry. I just want too cry. I have no reason to really. I'm not living through a crisis. I'm not depressed. But deep down somewhere, somewhere. I'm hurting. you guys are hearing this all the time over and over again. But i'm just trying to figure this out. Maybe Darren is right. I'm stressed. I told Darren (my peer advisor/psychologist/ merits advisor who is forced to listen to me) that Live journal is my outlet to stress. This is half true, other than that, I don't really have anything eles as a stress manager. I couldn't really thin of anything eles. I said, doing homeowr, my spsace, facebook, ....but in all honesty, thoes make me even more stressed out because it waste my time and I always feel that I am being pressed for time. WHy on earth does my PA suggest me going to usless things that I don't need. Who the heck needs to go to science tutoring when That science class is so easy. Just becuase I failed the first test......
Man, Failing is really breaking my heart. And I thought that boies broke my heart. school does it too. SO am I stressed, pressed for time, failing, and hreat broken. maybe sick. I have no idea. But all I know is that I really feel like filling out my livejournal with worthless junk until I feel better.
I'm living this life. I want this life. And I can't imagin myself not being in architecture. It's not happening. this is for me. This really is for me. Just because I get a C means absolutly nothing. I can I will do better.
I think I know why I want to cry now... I'm scared. I'm so scared. These people in my architecture class. They are monsters. why?? they are perfect. Why can they draw so perfect.how the heck can they get the lead out of thier penceils that way. to me, it seems abnormal. I thought that we weren't suppose to be perfect. I thought that we can make mistakes. What is life teaching me? They never make mistakes. They are like machines. They are so amazing i'm jealous, and i'm scared that I can't make it. They try so hard. They try harder than me. And theres only so much that I can do. I can't stay up every night drawing or cutting wood. If i could I would. Does it mean that I don't love architecture as much as they do or that I'm not as determined. IS this not the field for me???? I'm scared. and I don't want to be thinking these things. To not doubt my major. But it's happening and i'm so afraid.
I've had dreams. Of tiny modules boxing me up. one module moves this way and the other that way connecting. my arms legs becoming that module. I felt completly boxed and constricted. That was a day I was sick and a day I also didn't do my homework.
It's not about thoes standerdize test anymore. I remember when standardized test use to hunt me on days when we would have them such as the SAT's and PSATS and such but now.... it's architecture. and that class. well. I have that class everyday and it's haunting me.
I don't know. Theres probably more that is bothering me. I'm still trying to figure it out. I keep writting in this thing every 5 mins. there must be something wrong with me.
I can't stay up anymore. it's hard. I keep sleeping. why am I so tired. I don't want to sleep anymore. I want to finish............it's not like i even sleep well. because I don't do my homework.
You know the days when I do have my architecture homework. I am so happy and it turns out to be the best day of my entire life. Thats how it feels when I do have my homework. But after the 10 hours spent on it and the teachers don't say one thing about it and just pile more homework on you, what am I suppose to do?
so that line work?? does it matter anymore since all architecture is now done with computer?? do I even know how to do architecture work on a computer??? xp
OH NURA! you make me so mad sometimes and I hate it. When you tell me I look like crap on thursday and tell me that architecture is not hard. just because your in civil engineering, you tell me you do "what I do" and engineering stuff. what the heck are you trying to say. that your major is better than me. That you can do a better job at doing architecture stuff because you are doing it in your class too... It just makes me sad. I feel so discouraged. you have no idea.but she's my friend, i just need to deal with it, right?
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I feel that I waste time every day. Like.. now? I don't go on facebook and myspace as much as I use to. I've limited it to 5 mins a day for both. now it need to limit down to once an week or once every 2 weeks til i don't do it anymore. I don't sit around in my nats class anymore since i can't pay attention,now i do my math homework. AT work?? well... I've actsurlly been working and they work me til the end of the days now.
I really could enjoy a good laugh now and then though!! It really helps. I always have time for a good laugh or anyway to release stress...
Man, Failing is really breaking my heart. And I thought that boies broke my heart. school does it too. SO am I stressed, pressed for time, failing, and hreat broken. maybe sick. I have no idea. But all I know is that I really feel like filling out my livejournal with worthless junk until I feel better.
I'm living this life. I want this life. And I can't imagin myself not being in architecture. It's not happening. this is for me. This really is for me. Just because I get a C means absolutly nothing. I can I will do better.
I think I know why I want to cry now... I'm scared. I'm so scared. These people in my architecture class. They are monsters. why?? they are perfect. Why can they draw so perfect.how the heck can they get the lead out of thier penceils that way. to me, it seems abnormal. I thought that we weren't suppose to be perfect. I thought that we can make mistakes. What is life teaching me? They never make mistakes. They are like machines. They are so amazing i'm jealous, and i'm scared that I can't make it. They try so hard. They try harder than me. And theres only so much that I can do. I can't stay up every night drawing or cutting wood. If i could I would. Does it mean that I don't love architecture as much as they do or that I'm not as determined. IS this not the field for me???? I'm scared. and I don't want to be thinking these things. To not doubt my major. But it's happening and i'm so afraid.
I've had dreams. Of tiny modules boxing me up. one module moves this way and the other that way connecting. my arms legs becoming that module. I felt completly boxed and constricted. That was a day I was sick and a day I also didn't do my homework.
It's not about thoes standerdize test anymore. I remember when standardized test use to hunt me on days when we would have them such as the SAT's and PSATS and such but now.... it's architecture. and that class. well. I have that class everyday and it's haunting me.
I don't know. Theres probably more that is bothering me. I'm still trying to figure it out. I keep writting in this thing every 5 mins. there must be something wrong with me.
I can't stay up anymore. it's hard. I keep sleeping. why am I so tired. I don't want to sleep anymore. I want to finish............it's not like i even sleep well. because I don't do my homework.
You know the days when I do have my architecture homework. I am so happy and it turns out to be the best day of my entire life. Thats how it feels when I do have my homework. But after the 10 hours spent on it and the teachers don't say one thing about it and just pile more homework on you, what am I suppose to do?
so that line work?? does it matter anymore since all architecture is now done with computer?? do I even know how to do architecture work on a computer??? xp
OH NURA! you make me so mad sometimes and I hate it. When you tell me I look like crap on thursday and tell me that architecture is not hard. just because your in civil engineering, you tell me you do "what I do" and engineering stuff. what the heck are you trying to say. that your major is better than me. That you can do a better job at doing architecture stuff because you are doing it in your class too... It just makes me sad. I feel so discouraged. you have no idea.but she's my friend, i just need to deal with it, right?
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I feel that I waste time every day. Like.. now? I don't go on facebook and myspace as much as I use to. I've limited it to 5 mins a day for both. now it need to limit down to once an week or once every 2 weeks til i don't do it anymore. I don't sit around in my nats class anymore since i can't pay attention,now i do my math homework. AT work?? well... I've actsurlly been working and they work me til the end of the days now.
I really could enjoy a good laugh now and then though!! It really helps. I always have time for a good laugh or anyway to release stress...