(no subject)
so uh... i wrote this last nite and im feeling better today but im still gonna force it on you.
I'm feeling really empty but i can't pinpoint what it is exactly that i want..
I think what i want is someone i can relate to... someone i can try to explain weird emotions to without feeling stupid. the problem with me is that i always open up TOO much to anyone I feel comfortable enough around to talk about crap like that to. i always end up getting on their nerves with my percieved whiney emo-ness. i want someone i can try to explain my wierd, occasionally emo thougts to without worrying about how much i'm getting on their nerves... and how much they are judging me... and how selfish they are assuming i am. and i want that person to be able to open up to me in the same way.. so i dont feel alone i suppose. i am yet to find a person filling that last part... ever. whats wrong with me then? jeez. or maybe people just normally dont open up like that and i open up to easily... which i do.
what ive decided i want is someone who can give to me the emotions i get from music. in my journal the other day i wrote that no one has been able to do as much for me as art alexakis from everclear. no person can make me feel emotions as deep as emotions i get from my music. no where near. sometimes the only way i can get through conversations with people i consider to be my friends is by reminding myself that i have chris thile or something in my cd player. maybe thats normal though... maybe im not supposed to be able to get those emotions from anything BUT music. so much for the afterglow by everclear, for example has always made me so incredably happy but yet made me feel like im on the verge of tears... sometimes beyond the verge. i wish a person could make me feel emotions that real and complex so that i wouldnt feel empty the moment i turned off the cd player. (although i do listen to music to change my mood... *shrug*) maybe i cry though because the emotions arent real and unatainable through real life... i dont know how to explain it so im just gonna... yeah
and this person i want does NOT have to be a boyfriend. it sort of annoyed me when i tried to explain this to a few people and they all assumed i was trying to describe my perfect boyfriend. there are more possible relationships than shallow high school dating
and to those of u i tried to explain this to, im sorry. that was rather annoying of me. and sorry to those of u ive recently tried to buddy up with in an attempt to find someone to pour my soul out to. although i have made/improved some really good friendships in the process. its just not what im looking for tho.
maybe i cant find someone to open up to comfortably about all aspects of my life is (because normal people dont open up about all their life!!!) because of how FAKE i am. ((and here i wrote a really really long and confusing thing about how u cant find someone to open up to if ur not honest with urself about who u are... or something. i dunno. i was tired))
i think THIS is the reason people have religion. the perfect person to relate to doesnt exist so u have to use and imaginary one... be it jesus or w/e. because this person/god only exists in ur mind... u can be totally urself and feel like someone understands u without having to deal with messy things like words and other people's emotions. because gods u pray to are personified or w/e by whats in ur mind... maybe the person im looking for is like... my innerself or something freaky and deep like that o_0
anyways... i was told i would find my person to relate to someday but im not sure if i beleive that. i think this whole "perfect for each other" crap is friggen bullshit so dont lie to urselves. and even if i do find this person someday what do i do in the mean time? do i try to figure myself out better? do i sort of spread out my opening up over several people so i dont freak them out? do i just keep my mouth shut and stop trying to be the center of attention? and how much opening up is too much? and how can i get rid of my persistant emptyness? and please dont think im really really selfish and self pitying... i just wanted to figure out a way to put that into words because it helps to think of things in words instead of random thought. (although putting weird thoughts and emotions into words tends to take some of the cool/weird-ness out of them but thats a totally different story and ive bored u enough...)
in other news... i have paper mache stuff all over my arm that i cant get off. thank u ross
I'm feeling really empty but i can't pinpoint what it is exactly that i want..
I think what i want is someone i can relate to... someone i can try to explain weird emotions to without feeling stupid. the problem with me is that i always open up TOO much to anyone I feel comfortable enough around to talk about crap like that to. i always end up getting on their nerves with my percieved whiney emo-ness. i want someone i can try to explain my wierd, occasionally emo thougts to without worrying about how much i'm getting on their nerves... and how much they are judging me... and how selfish they are assuming i am. and i want that person to be able to open up to me in the same way.. so i dont feel alone i suppose. i am yet to find a person filling that last part... ever. whats wrong with me then? jeez. or maybe people just normally dont open up like that and i open up to easily... which i do.
what ive decided i want is someone who can give to me the emotions i get from music. in my journal the other day i wrote that no one has been able to do as much for me as art alexakis from everclear. no person can make me feel emotions as deep as emotions i get from my music. no where near. sometimes the only way i can get through conversations with people i consider to be my friends is by reminding myself that i have chris thile or something in my cd player. maybe thats normal though... maybe im not supposed to be able to get those emotions from anything BUT music. so much for the afterglow by everclear, for example has always made me so incredably happy but yet made me feel like im on the verge of tears... sometimes beyond the verge. i wish a person could make me feel emotions that real and complex so that i wouldnt feel empty the moment i turned off the cd player. (although i do listen to music to change my mood... *shrug*) maybe i cry though because the emotions arent real and unatainable through real life... i dont know how to explain it so im just gonna... yeah
and this person i want does NOT have to be a boyfriend. it sort of annoyed me when i tried to explain this to a few people and they all assumed i was trying to describe my perfect boyfriend. there are more possible relationships than shallow high school dating
and to those of u i tried to explain this to, im sorry. that was rather annoying of me. and sorry to those of u ive recently tried to buddy up with in an attempt to find someone to pour my soul out to. although i have made/improved some really good friendships in the process. its just not what im looking for tho.
maybe i cant find someone to open up to comfortably about all aspects of my life is (because normal people dont open up about all their life!!!) because of how FAKE i am. ((and here i wrote a really really long and confusing thing about how u cant find someone to open up to if ur not honest with urself about who u are... or something. i dunno. i was tired))
i think THIS is the reason people have religion. the perfect person to relate to doesnt exist so u have to use and imaginary one... be it jesus or w/e. because this person/god only exists in ur mind... u can be totally urself and feel like someone understands u without having to deal with messy things like words and other people's emotions. because gods u pray to are personified or w/e by whats in ur mind... maybe the person im looking for is like... my innerself or something freaky and deep like that o_0
anyways... i was told i would find my person to relate to someday but im not sure if i beleive that. i think this whole "perfect for each other" crap is friggen bullshit so dont lie to urselves. and even if i do find this person someday what do i do in the mean time? do i try to figure myself out better? do i sort of spread out my opening up over several people so i dont freak them out? do i just keep my mouth shut and stop trying to be the center of attention? and how much opening up is too much? and how can i get rid of my persistant emptyness? and please dont think im really really selfish and self pitying... i just wanted to figure out a way to put that into words because it helps to think of things in words instead of random thought. (although putting weird thoughts and emotions into words tends to take some of the cool/weird-ness out of them but thats a totally different story and ive bored u enough...)
in other news... i have paper mache stuff all over my arm that i cant get off. thank u ross