...So I Ducked Into An Alley, And I Lost Him
It's hard to believe I've said nothing in two weeks. Maybe it's because after my last entry, some emo vibes were suggested. And while I love the quotes of the comedian who shares his name with the musical and lifestyle movement, the implication wasn't a comparison to Mr. Philips. Besides, I can only listen to so much Dashboard Confessional.
Maybe it's the fleeting time. It's already March, already a week into the month and the pace doesn't seem to be slowing down any. Even the hours pass faster at work now. This life-acceleration thing isn't supposed to start for years, and already I'm feeling it. Eight and a half hours to the work day feels like nothing.
I say it's because I feel stagnant. I have places I want to be, things I want to achieve, and I feel I'm no closer to achieving them. It's not just that I've made no progress, it's that I feel I've had no time to make any progress. I need to refine my balancing act, so when I am at last on my own, I can stay that way instead of collapsing to my knees and crawling home looking for a helping hand.
Besides money, the thing holding me closest to home is fearing that growing up is going to be a disappointment for my parents. Even this weekend, I felt somewhat exasperated arguing with my mother over what I felt was a minor point. Mom and Dad needed new wiper blades, and I figured I'd stop at the parts store. Instead, we argued for five minutes how I had plenty of money that I didn't need an advance...and if I didn't, I'd just get more at the bank, where I had to go anyway. Somehow, "I need to get some more cash" was translated into "I'm afraid to have cash in my wallet," among other things. In the end, there was no reason to blow up over some misunderstandings and what I saw as a bit too much concern.
I feel like I'm making no progress in maturity. I'd like to believe I'm growing up, that I'm just going through the natural paces of any college grad working his way into his own life. Yet somehow, every step I make toward growing up, I feel like I'm growing away. Of course, you're going to grow away some. But I got it into my head that as I'm trying to grow up, I'm not just growing out of the parental influence, but I'm trying to rebel. I'm not...I don't want to push my parents away, I just want to say "I'm twenty-three, and I have the ability to make my own decisions and control some things myself now." It has to be all in my head. That would be easiest, because then it's only my problem. Whether or not you fix it, the ones inside yourself are the most readily fixed, because others aren't as easy to cure.
So at the moment, there's nothing exciting in the future. That could be good and bad. I had some plans for the end of the month, but those might be modified by work events. We'll see.
Maybe it's the fleeting time. It's already March, already a week into the month and the pace doesn't seem to be slowing down any. Even the hours pass faster at work now. This life-acceleration thing isn't supposed to start for years, and already I'm feeling it. Eight and a half hours to the work day feels like nothing.
I say it's because I feel stagnant. I have places I want to be, things I want to achieve, and I feel I'm no closer to achieving them. It's not just that I've made no progress, it's that I feel I've had no time to make any progress. I need to refine my balancing act, so when I am at last on my own, I can stay that way instead of collapsing to my knees and crawling home looking for a helping hand.
Besides money, the thing holding me closest to home is fearing that growing up is going to be a disappointment for my parents. Even this weekend, I felt somewhat exasperated arguing with my mother over what I felt was a minor point. Mom and Dad needed new wiper blades, and I figured I'd stop at the parts store. Instead, we argued for five minutes how I had plenty of money that I didn't need an advance...and if I didn't, I'd just get more at the bank, where I had to go anyway. Somehow, "I need to get some more cash" was translated into "I'm afraid to have cash in my wallet," among other things. In the end, there was no reason to blow up over some misunderstandings and what I saw as a bit too much concern.
I feel like I'm making no progress in maturity. I'd like to believe I'm growing up, that I'm just going through the natural paces of any college grad working his way into his own life. Yet somehow, every step I make toward growing up, I feel like I'm growing away. Of course, you're going to grow away some. But I got it into my head that as I'm trying to grow up, I'm not just growing out of the parental influence, but I'm trying to rebel. I'm not...I don't want to push my parents away, I just want to say "I'm twenty-three, and I have the ability to make my own decisions and control some things myself now." It has to be all in my head. That would be easiest, because then it's only my problem. Whether or not you fix it, the ones inside yourself are the most readily fixed, because others aren't as easy to cure.
So at the moment, there's nothing exciting in the future. That could be good and bad. I had some plans for the end of the month, but those might be modified by work events. We'll see.