midnight in a perfect world
Today I skipped school again, and I skipped sleeping last night. Had a big chat with Laura yesterday which was nice, but also confusing.
I'm not sure what it is that has been scaring me from it, but I barely slept all last week (prelim week) and I didn't study even though I knew I had to do both, so I fell asleep during my English exam which I poorly attempted due to not studying and my modern studies exam went okay but only because I had the prelim paper beforehand. Chemistry I skipped for more, unknown reasons - half of me thinks I was scared, but I don't tend to fear things and I was up to go to it. I went back to sleep and I dunno why, and then I woke up too late.
It's not that I don't care about these things, or that school isn't important to me. At least I don't tihnk it is. I don't really know what it is, I don't know what anything is anymore. My emotions are all over the place and it's dangerous - things like not knowing if the feelings a girl gives you is because she is an ideal best friend or an ideal girlfriend. Not knowing if you were making up feelings about another girl to help you get over a former, or if you were serious. Not knowing if the former girl was girlfriend or best friend material.
My pathological lies are getting worse too. I'm trying so hard to get them better, but even as I'm spitting lies I'm thinking "that's not true, I shouldn't say that" and I do anyway. Nothing ever big or life changing, and always small things which I would never get caught for. It's just odd, everything is odd just now.
This is pretty much the first time I've ever said any of these things to anybody, so posting them on a livejournal is a big step. Hopefully it'll be theraputic, but people might judge me in reality.
I'm not sure what it is that has been scaring me from it, but I barely slept all last week (prelim week) and I didn't study even though I knew I had to do both, so I fell asleep during my English exam which I poorly attempted due to not studying and my modern studies exam went okay but only because I had the prelim paper beforehand. Chemistry I skipped for more, unknown reasons - half of me thinks I was scared, but I don't tend to fear things and I was up to go to it. I went back to sleep and I dunno why, and then I woke up too late.
It's not that I don't care about these things, or that school isn't important to me. At least I don't tihnk it is. I don't really know what it is, I don't know what anything is anymore. My emotions are all over the place and it's dangerous - things like not knowing if the feelings a girl gives you is because she is an ideal best friend or an ideal girlfriend. Not knowing if you were making up feelings about another girl to help you get over a former, or if you were serious. Not knowing if the former girl was girlfriend or best friend material.
My pathological lies are getting worse too. I'm trying so hard to get them better, but even as I'm spitting lies I'm thinking "that's not true, I shouldn't say that" and I do anyway. Nothing ever big or life changing, and always small things which I would never get caught for. It's just odd, everything is odd just now.
This is pretty much the first time I've ever said any of these things to anybody, so posting them on a livejournal is a big step. Hopefully it'll be theraputic, but people might judge me in reality.