"caught a ride to another town where the grass is green and the sun never goes down..."
i don't know how i'm supposed to feel right now. the second person in 2 weeks is now dead. this time, i will be going home to attend the service. i don't really believe it. i've been to a lot of funerals and i've seen a lot of people die, but this is different. and i don't know why. i just can't believe it. i want to see the photos and i want someone to prove it to me. i want to know what he looks like now, i want to see how it happened, i want blood and death and wreckage to prove to me what my brain wont seem to accept. i just can't imagine...i can't stop seeing it in my head, but no matter how many times i replay it, it never quite looks real. i need the pain that proof would bring. now i have sadness and so many fucking regrets, which anyone who knew the two of us would understand, but i don't have the pain that i NEED to cope. all i can think about is what he was dreaming about when it happened, and if he knew what was going on, i want to know what his last thought was.
we had so many ups and downs...but i think it was finally leveling out...which is at least something. we didn't end our friendship on the down. that really makes me happy because i don't think i'd be able to deal if we did.
i don't know. i keep thinking i want more. i have a pair of pants he gave me for graduation because i asked for them about everyday for 3 years, and i have pictures. pictures from prom, pictures of us high, pictures of him drunk wearing my skirt and spandex hello kitty tank top...but none of that is enough.
then i remembered, just this minute, one other thing i have.
i was his first kiss.
that's...really weird.
in a comforting type of way.
i don't know what i'm talking about anymore...one time we were all high (keep in mind that i don't even smoke cigarettes anymore, so this is all in the long-ago) 3 of us, and we were driving brians moms car down cleveland hts blvd toward the lake, where all the trees are, and he almost drove us into one after insisting he was the most capable to drive. those were the longest 2 miles i'd ever been in the car for. needless to say we never did that again. it was stupid, but now...i'm glad. i'm glad for every one of those 5 billion un sobered memories and every one of the 10 billion sober memories.
i have to go now. gotta pack. i dont know what to wear. i've been trying to think of what he liked me to wear...but that's not me anymore, and i think if nothing else, he wouldn't ever want me to be something i'm not. so i'll have to give clothes a little more thought.
**no more promise no more sorrow**