Why oh Why...
Why is it that we always want what we can't have? I mean, people are always wanting things they can't have from materialistic objects to happiness to love.
So I've known this guy for five years now. And I've had a crush on him for five years now...but I always thought I wasn't in his league...other than the fact that yes, we both had significant others at times throughout this five year period. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean you can't look! Anyway, back to the ranting...
I think the reason I originally felt attracted to him was because he has this bad boy persona..He's done different things with the hair--let it grow long, cuts it nice and short, has a mohawk. He's had multiple piercings...tattoos, all of which have great meaning and symbolism to them, which you wouldn't know unless asked..otherwise you'd think they were random, with the exception of one. He just seems like he's the partier, based on these outside appearances the world sees...and he has a bike...what about a man having all of the aforementioned plus a bike doesn't reek "bad boy/partier?" Oh, and he has a kid...who is one of the cutest kids I've seen, next to my little Landon (the nephew) of course!
Then we started chatting online and exchanged phone numbers. Next thing I know we're texting all day and texting all night. How surreal that was for me! Here I am talking to this gorgeous guy that I've had a crush on for my whole college career---and nobody knows...for the sake of not getting embarrassed since he is outta my league, in my opinion, of course. I get back from my last Spring Break and we start hanging out...physically hanging out! WOW! How nice that is!
Obviously he's easy on the eyes so of course it's nice to see him..but each time we hang out, I feel even more special as I get to know him. He has so many different facets...and it's nice and refreshing that he's allowing me to see these sides of him, quite frankly, I never knew even existed. He's so open and honest...about everything...the tattoos, the little boy, the family. He has this rawness to himself that is amazing. Despite the fact that we've known each other for five years, we really were never close on a personal level unless we're talking about basketball or A&M; all of which is nice, but one could understand how it's refreshing to not only have that personal interaction with another human being, but to have this interaction with someone you've longed to get to know better.
So what's wrong? The fact that I can feel myself wanting more. Falling for him more. And that cannot, under any circumstances, happen. Why? Here's a list of reasons why, or what I'm trying to deem valid as to why I can't and should not have feelings for him: He's older than me (just turned 26 ...and I still have several months before I turn 23), he has a little boy, he's not over his ex (which is another story in and of itself), and he is fixing to go to law school, in Dallas (and I'm moving back to CC after I graduate). Oh, and I almost forgot, he smokes...which normally would be a no-go, with the exception of one person, but for some odd reason, it's not that big of a deal to me...and he plays video games (which, he made me play the other day with him and his friend. Incredibly horrible and embarrassing time, but it was fun all in the same).
So why do I like him, other than the fact that "I've had a crush on him" for so long? He's older than me..and there's just something sexy about that, he has a kid and seems like he'd be/is a great dad...which of course would be attractive to any female who wants to have a family of her own one day; he is incredibly sexy, both physically speaking and intellectually speaking; he's funny, he's outgoing--I can see him having a spontaneous side to him which is always nice; he is caring and passionate about the things he loves the most; he has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in a man...the way he gets these dimples and his eyes squint, yet you can still see the sparkle in them; he has the cutest laugh ever...it's definitely one of those "I hear RTS, where is he?" He has this warm touch...when he holds you, when he holds your feet to try to warm them up...and he has the smoothest, softest skin ever. And his kisses...they're so different, like nothing I've ever had before, yet at the same time, they are the best I've ever had...they're sweet, and soft..and just the way I like him (i.e. not a lot of tongue action where you have to clean up afterwards). And his smell. Everyone has their own smell, but his is just ...I don't even know how to explain it. It just smells so good. And relaxes you...takes you to a happy place...
I just want to like run up to him and tell him all of this that I find attractive about him and ask him to take things slow with me...get to know each other...despite the long distance that would be taking place...just to have a chance with him. When I asked him last night if time were on our side, if a real chance for an us existed, he said "If time were on our side, for sure. There'd be a real good chance." GREAT. As if I weren't more confused...why did I have to ask him!?!?
It's so weird to me that I'm so emotional or hung up on him. I mean, I know I can't have him. I know things wouldn't work out. Unfortunately. At the same time, I know that he doesn't want anything more. He seems guarded at times...Anyway, back to the original point of being hung up on him...I don't even know him that well! It's not like we're together or have been...seriously, I think I've cried more over him in the last hour or two than I have over other people. Which is weird considering I've had "relational" time with these people versus the hanging out as if we're friends...or "friendly buddies," if you get where I'm going with that...
I don't know. I just want him. And I can't have him. As mentioned earlier. I just want things to be different...for him to say let's do this haha...forget about the fact that we're leaving each other, forget about the fact that he's going to be busy with law school and working...forget about the girl who dumped you because "You're mom doesn't like me/hard to get along with" (whatever it was she said) and "I'm not ready for the extra baggage" (i.e. the little one)...just do it with me. I'm willing to do it with you. To get to know your family, even if your mom seems to be a factor in the ending of your last 3 serious relationships (the lady seems cool to be..she's a neat freak like me, she collects Barbies, like me...omg I am so jealous that she has like five or six Bob Mackie Barbies that I saw!) I want to meet your little one. I want to see if I could be a part of his life. I mean, I understand we personally haven't been on that level to even start talking about the latter of the two, but I wouldn't mind trying. I know Mindi and Lyndsee both said they weren't ready for a family and to do that, plus whatever it was with your mom...and I understand you loved them. I would never deny that fact..and I understand how it is hard to move on when you've thought about marriage and picked out a ring...but I want to show you how it is to truly be loved. I want to show you that regardless of the "extra baggage," it is possible for you to have love in your life. True, honest, raw, unconditional love.
So I've known this guy for five years now. And I've had a crush on him for five years now...but I always thought I wasn't in his league...other than the fact that yes, we both had significant others at times throughout this five year period. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean you can't look! Anyway, back to the ranting...
I think the reason I originally felt attracted to him was because he has this bad boy persona..He's done different things with the hair--let it grow long, cuts it nice and short, has a mohawk. He's had multiple piercings...tattoos, all of which have great meaning and symbolism to them, which you wouldn't know unless asked..otherwise you'd think they were random, with the exception of one. He just seems like he's the partier, based on these outside appearances the world sees...and he has a bike...what about a man having all of the aforementioned plus a bike doesn't reek "bad boy/partier?" Oh, and he has a kid...who is one of the cutest kids I've seen, next to my little Landon (the nephew) of course!
Then we started chatting online and exchanged phone numbers. Next thing I know we're texting all day and texting all night. How surreal that was for me! Here I am talking to this gorgeous guy that I've had a crush on for my whole college career---and nobody knows...for the sake of not getting embarrassed since he is outta my league, in my opinion, of course. I get back from my last Spring Break and we start hanging out...physically hanging out! WOW! How nice that is!
Obviously he's easy on the eyes so of course it's nice to see him..but each time we hang out, I feel even more special as I get to know him. He has so many different facets...and it's nice and refreshing that he's allowing me to see these sides of him, quite frankly, I never knew even existed. He's so open and honest...about everything...the tattoos, the little boy, the family. He has this rawness to himself that is amazing. Despite the fact that we've known each other for five years, we really were never close on a personal level unless we're talking about basketball or A&M; all of which is nice, but one could understand how it's refreshing to not only have that personal interaction with another human being, but to have this interaction with someone you've longed to get to know better.
So what's wrong? The fact that I can feel myself wanting more. Falling for him more. And that cannot, under any circumstances, happen. Why? Here's a list of reasons why, or what I'm trying to deem valid as to why I can't and should not have feelings for him: He's older than me (just turned 26 ...and I still have several months before I turn 23), he has a little boy, he's not over his ex (which is another story in and of itself), and he is fixing to go to law school, in Dallas (and I'm moving back to CC after I graduate). Oh, and I almost forgot, he smokes...which normally would be a no-go, with the exception of one person, but for some odd reason, it's not that big of a deal to me...and he plays video games (which, he made me play the other day with him and his friend. Incredibly horrible and embarrassing time, but it was fun all in the same).
So why do I like him, other than the fact that "I've had a crush on him" for so long? He's older than me..and there's just something sexy about that, he has a kid and seems like he'd be/is a great dad...which of course would be attractive to any female who wants to have a family of her own one day; he is incredibly sexy, both physically speaking and intellectually speaking; he's funny, he's outgoing--I can see him having a spontaneous side to him which is always nice; he is caring and passionate about the things he loves the most; he has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in a man...the way he gets these dimples and his eyes squint, yet you can still see the sparkle in them; he has the cutest laugh ever...it's definitely one of those "I hear RTS, where is he?" He has this warm touch...when he holds you, when he holds your feet to try to warm them up...and he has the smoothest, softest skin ever. And his kisses...they're so different, like nothing I've ever had before, yet at the same time, they are the best I've ever had...they're sweet, and soft..and just the way I like him (i.e. not a lot of tongue action where you have to clean up afterwards). And his smell. Everyone has their own smell, but his is just ...I don't even know how to explain it. It just smells so good. And relaxes you...takes you to a happy place...
I just want to like run up to him and tell him all of this that I find attractive about him and ask him to take things slow with me...get to know each other...despite the long distance that would be taking place...just to have a chance with him. When I asked him last night if time were on our side, if a real chance for an us existed, he said "If time were on our side, for sure. There'd be a real good chance." GREAT. As if I weren't more confused...why did I have to ask him!?!?
It's so weird to me that I'm so emotional or hung up on him. I mean, I know I can't have him. I know things wouldn't work out. Unfortunately. At the same time, I know that he doesn't want anything more. He seems guarded at times...Anyway, back to the original point of being hung up on him...I don't even know him that well! It's not like we're together or have been...seriously, I think I've cried more over him in the last hour or two than I have over other people. Which is weird considering I've had "relational" time with these people versus the hanging out as if we're friends...or "friendly buddies," if you get where I'm going with that...
I don't know. I just want him. And I can't have him. As mentioned earlier. I just want things to be different...for him to say let's do this haha...forget about the fact that we're leaving each other, forget about the fact that he's going to be busy with law school and working...forget about the girl who dumped you because "You're mom doesn't like me/hard to get along with" (whatever it was she said) and "I'm not ready for the extra baggage" (i.e. the little one)...just do it with me. I'm willing to do it with you. To get to know your family, even if your mom seems to be a factor in the ending of your last 3 serious relationships (the lady seems cool to be..she's a neat freak like me, she collects Barbies, like me...omg I am so jealous that she has like five or six Bob Mackie Barbies that I saw!) I want to meet your little one. I want to see if I could be a part of his life. I mean, I understand we personally haven't been on that level to even start talking about the latter of the two, but I wouldn't mind trying. I know Mindi and Lyndsee both said they weren't ready for a family and to do that, plus whatever it was with your mom...and I understand you loved them. I would never deny that fact..and I understand how it is hard to move on when you've thought about marriage and picked out a ring...but I want to show you how it is to truly be loved. I want to show you that regardless of the "extra baggage," it is possible for you to have love in your life. True, honest, raw, unconditional love.