i'll.spread.my.wings.and.i'll.learn.how.to.fly.i'll.do.what.it.takes.til.i.touch.the.sky.
and you eventually get to the point where you just know that it isn't working. because if it was meant to be, wouldn't it be easier? mike christy told me tonight that if it isn't working, if you tried everything you can, sometimes you just look at the person you love with all your heart, and say we have grown to almost hate each other because we love each other and can't be together right now. and it made my throat drop to my stomach and my heart palpitate...but isn't he right. i mean look at how hard one tries, only to figure out that without 100% from both parties, it can never work. how do you move on? how do you say you're my best friend, my first love, one of the most important people in my life, the person who knows me better than anyone; i could trace the outline of your face out with my fingertips, blindfolded. i never want to lose you. now goodbye...? how is that logical? i can't believe that...i just cannot. i am a hopeless romantic with an overshadowing of girlpower that has lost itself. i never even believed in love or 'the right person' and here i am in it and losing that...someone tell me how. i have tried to change it all, make myself happy, make my world colorful, be healthy, be independent, deal with it all as healthily as possible--but it's never good enough anyway. so the romance has gone, and the girl with the power vacated the premises long ago. she never even picked up her mail or paid the rent. so i'm sitting here listening to "breakaway" by kelly clarkson, thinking this is just the way to be. i went through high school without ever having a real relationship...just one or two best guy friends who were a little more...then you meet that one person. then you lose that one person. then you sit and wonder how a prom and a dance to the theme of the wonder years, a night on the beach with ambrosia and tiki torches and daisies surrounding us, tears in our eyes, over two years at college, traveling overseas, living in letters or through phonecalls, seeing each other once a month, tightly taped packages with something to make the other person smile--if only for a moment, of all the cheesy nights laying intertwined, of the most real and open wound i've ever experienced...where is this going when i'm nothing i intended to be and everything i disliked? who was i in the beginning and who am i now? oh kelly clarkson, why don't you have the answersssss?