if.i.knew.all.the.words.i.would.write.myself.out.of.here.
something i never do, that i need to start doing, is focusing on what i need to become a better person for myself...not for other people. sometimes i look at what i do on a day-to-day basis, and i realize that it's all about others. if it isn't for them, it's about how they will judge what i am doing. i want to understand who i am and love myself, and then maybe i can accept others into my life more readily. i am constantly only letting people to the surface so i don't have to deal with pain, but pain is inevitable. and eventually, after people push hard enough, they get in. not only that, but i need to chill out with how i am constantly trying to plan my entire future out. i am just now realizing that i don't want kids anytime soon. i seriously do not. even if i get married in the next ten years, i want sometime after i first get married to develop a relationship before i have to live my life for someone else. i was talking to my dad this past weekend, and he said that once he had his first child, he could no longer live for himself--because everything he did is going to affect the life of this other little person. i am not ready for that, not even close. marriage is the first way that one eases the focus away from one's self and onto a relationship, and then once the first child is there, it will be a very long time before there is any sort of selfish living. selfish has a negative connotation, but maybe we need to be selfish sometimes...do things that make us happy. i stayed out of relationships basically all through high school, with a few small non-serious relationship/hanging out type things/road bumps in the way. but you can only stay out of love for so long, because sometimes you meet someone who you try to not like at all, and you end up loving them instead. and relationships are great, but then you have to deal with them ending...which is apparently part of growing up. if you let someone go, eventually the pain eases away. but how does anyone let go of a first love? my mom tells me that she hasn't completely let go of her's, even though she loves my dad, but he was not the first one she loved. my dad says that you can love different people in different ways, and you'll always hold them in your heart. some of my friends say that you'll love that person forever, but moving on means meeting other people. i don't want other people right now though. i don't want a relationship. i don't want anything like that. i just want to be me right now. relationships do not have to take one's identity or independence away--the most serious one i have had did not do either of those things, but it helped me discover who i am and how i deal with certain things. some people think that one cannot live life with someone else, but that depends on how a relationship is dealt with i think. it is quite possible to live life with another person in it, if the effort is made. but while i love that relationship and everything it did for me, i do not want another one if it isn't that one right now. i just want to be happy. and if that person comes back into my life, it was meant to be. if not, then maybe i'll meet someone else eventually. but not right now or any time soon i don't think, because i'm still loving someone. and i don't want to be with another person and still be in love with an ex-boyfriend. that's a sucky thing to do to someone. who am i? i need to know that. so i'm finding out, with my significant other or without, because i need to be doing that right now.