reality check
so i had a major reality check last night. i'm depressed. not clinically-need-medication-bi-polar-depressed, just down on my situation depressed. i think that i had done such a good job at telling everyone else that i'm great and everything is fine that i fooled myself into believing that i'm happy. i must be pretty persuasive 'cause it took me about a month to realize this.
and now i'm at a loss as to what to do. at least before i thought i was happy, and that made me being here and adam being in england a bearable thought. i was dealing excellent actually (if i do say so myself), no dramatic emotional stints or anything! i had somehow put all my emotions into a box not to be opened until i got to london. god knows how i did it, but i did and it and it was an amazing way to cope with these harsh emotional circumstances. so that box was opened, and i'm for the first time feeling how much it sux to be separated from adam. i'm mad at myself that i'm not stronger. but in all fairness i wasn't mentally prepared to be away from him this long, i though that i'd be there by now.
well ... if i have to be here for another month i don't know how i will deal now that. i guess i'm just going to have to feel now. not that i'm pleased about it, but unless i can figure out how i put him in a box the first time i don't think that i'll be able to put him back in that box a second time.
fuck (and we all know how i don't swear, but that's the only word that describes how i feel right now)
and now i'm at a loss as to what to do. at least before i thought i was happy, and that made me being here and adam being in england a bearable thought. i was dealing excellent actually (if i do say so myself), no dramatic emotional stints or anything! i had somehow put all my emotions into a box not to be opened until i got to london. god knows how i did it, but i did and it and it was an amazing way to cope with these harsh emotional circumstances. so that box was opened, and i'm for the first time feeling how much it sux to be separated from adam. i'm mad at myself that i'm not stronger. but in all fairness i wasn't mentally prepared to be away from him this long, i though that i'd be there by now.
well ... if i have to be here for another month i don't know how i will deal now that. i guess i'm just going to have to feel now. not that i'm pleased about it, but unless i can figure out how i put him in a box the first time i don't think that i'll be able to put him back in that box a second time.
fuck (and we all know how i don't swear, but that's the only word that describes how i feel right now)