more ramblings...
lately its been really hard for me to fall asleep, i think it might be stress related which blows. a study by someone somewhere sometime found that of all the chronic illnesses known to man (not viral) stress was considered the #1 killer. i promise i didnt make that up. so i try not to stress about shit, especially since i know stressing wont fix them, but its so god dang hard not to. so heres the rundown:
-i feel like a failure of a big brother, i feel omar and nicky are missing out on so much by dad not being here, but theres not much i can do to fix it. arrrgh! i fucking hate that so much. i hate not being able to go to track meets, not being able to just buy them a ride, just being able to give them the world my dad wouldve. i hate it.
-same goes for my mom.
-every other day i dont know whats going on w/ me and my girl. one week we wanna kill each other and the next shes the most beautiful person ive ever met. this is kind of on the backburner right now, since weve actually been doing really good lately, but its still somewhat of a nagging thought on the underbelly of my conscience.
-i hate being home, i wanna get out and have my life again, but theres some things that set me back, so im left playing catch up. the accident being one, my crappy job (although i have absolutely no regrets about leaving wm) and then this feeling i get that this family will fall apart if im not here to hold it together. i know this is kind of self-indulgent and self-centered, but it really feels like this sometimes. last time i left, my little brothers' grades slipped, they didnt listen to my mom and my mom was constantly calling me to play mediator.
-i wanna hurry up and finish school. i dont know what exactly ill be able to do this semester, this being partly my fault and partly the accident's, but i need to start studying for my lsat. if i cant do all the school i want, i dont wanna waste a semester and not get anything done.
atlas had a shitty existence.
-i feel like a failure of a big brother, i feel omar and nicky are missing out on so much by dad not being here, but theres not much i can do to fix it. arrrgh! i fucking hate that so much. i hate not being able to go to track meets, not being able to just buy them a ride, just being able to give them the world my dad wouldve. i hate it.
-same goes for my mom.
-every other day i dont know whats going on w/ me and my girl. one week we wanna kill each other and the next shes the most beautiful person ive ever met. this is kind of on the backburner right now, since weve actually been doing really good lately, but its still somewhat of a nagging thought on the underbelly of my conscience.
-i hate being home, i wanna get out and have my life again, but theres some things that set me back, so im left playing catch up. the accident being one, my crappy job (although i have absolutely no regrets about leaving wm) and then this feeling i get that this family will fall apart if im not here to hold it together. i know this is kind of self-indulgent and self-centered, but it really feels like this sometimes. last time i left, my little brothers' grades slipped, they didnt listen to my mom and my mom was constantly calling me to play mediator.
-i wanna hurry up and finish school. i dont know what exactly ill be able to do this semester, this being partly my fault and partly the accident's, but i need to start studying for my lsat. if i cant do all the school i want, i dont wanna waste a semester and not get anything done.
atlas had a shitty existence.