And now I alum...
So that's it... I'm a college graduate. I walked the stage and everything.
I'm kinda proud of myself. Not as much for graduating as much as for coming up with the greatest thing ever to put on my cap. Yeah, I checkered it. I told everyone before the ceremony that it was a surprise, but that the second they saw it they'd know it was me. I've been thinking about what to put on my cap for months - how to convey in this tiny square who I am without being crude or offensive, and how to maintain a sense of myself in this ceremony based on everyone being almost exactly the same. After months of thinking, I came up with this idea last night.
I took out the piercings in my face today, and most of the ones in my ears. I feel like I've lost my face in taking them out, and I feel like I've lost the comfort of life as I've known it in graduating and moving on. That being said, more than I care about graduating, more than I care about almost anything right now, I'm so proud of myself for finding a way (even as stupid as the design on my cap is) to still feel like myself despite these radical changes.
That being said, I'm still really uncertain about my future. I was standing outside tonight, and listening to Dan and Morgan talking about their dreams, and it got me thinking. We're all so sure that we're going to make it - that we'll do and be whatever we want. We're young, and we're idealistic. The thing is, the chances of all of us making it are so small. No matter how much we believe that we're all exceptional, and I do believe that with all my heart, in the face of reality, out of our little group, out of all my friends... it would be exceptional for ONE of us to achieve their dreams. In the face of those odds, it's hard to believe that I'll be the one. In the face of the kindness and just general radness I've witnessed from these people, it's even harder to want to be the one rather than wish it on one (or rather, all) of them. That's not to complain, or to wish things different... it's just to say that it's a major factor in me being so nervous about my future.
As for the subject I haven't yet mentioned, the only subject that really matters to me these days... all I'll really say is that I hope that in leaving, he found what he needed. I appreciate everyone who's pissed at him on my behalf, but I'm not capable of that. More than anything I want him in my life, even as just a friend, but I would be so happy just to know that he found or escaped whatever he needed to find or escape. What I feel for him doesn't translate into the past tense, and so I can't think about him as that guy I used to love with whom it didn't work out. He's the guy that I'll always love who I want to be happy and safe, no matter who it's with or whether or not I'm a part of that.
The sun will be up soon, and my family is still in the area. I should sleep, or at least try to.
I'm kinda proud of myself. Not as much for graduating as much as for coming up with the greatest thing ever to put on my cap. Yeah, I checkered it. I told everyone before the ceremony that it was a surprise, but that the second they saw it they'd know it was me. I've been thinking about what to put on my cap for months - how to convey in this tiny square who I am without being crude or offensive, and how to maintain a sense of myself in this ceremony based on everyone being almost exactly the same. After months of thinking, I came up with this idea last night.
I took out the piercings in my face today, and most of the ones in my ears. I feel like I've lost my face in taking them out, and I feel like I've lost the comfort of life as I've known it in graduating and moving on. That being said, more than I care about graduating, more than I care about almost anything right now, I'm so proud of myself for finding a way (even as stupid as the design on my cap is) to still feel like myself despite these radical changes.
That being said, I'm still really uncertain about my future. I was standing outside tonight, and listening to Dan and Morgan talking about their dreams, and it got me thinking. We're all so sure that we're going to make it - that we'll do and be whatever we want. We're young, and we're idealistic. The thing is, the chances of all of us making it are so small. No matter how much we believe that we're all exceptional, and I do believe that with all my heart, in the face of reality, out of our little group, out of all my friends... it would be exceptional for ONE of us to achieve their dreams. In the face of those odds, it's hard to believe that I'll be the one. In the face of the kindness and just general radness I've witnessed from these people, it's even harder to want to be the one rather than wish it on one (or rather, all) of them. That's not to complain, or to wish things different... it's just to say that it's a major factor in me being so nervous about my future.
As for the subject I haven't yet mentioned, the only subject that really matters to me these days... all I'll really say is that I hope that in leaving, he found what he needed. I appreciate everyone who's pissed at him on my behalf, but I'm not capable of that. More than anything I want him in my life, even as just a friend, but I would be so happy just to know that he found or escaped whatever he needed to find or escape. What I feel for him doesn't translate into the past tense, and so I can't think about him as that guy I used to love with whom it didn't work out. He's the guy that I'll always love who I want to be happy and safe, no matter who it's with or whether or not I'm a part of that.
The sun will be up soon, and my family is still in the area. I should sleep, or at least try to.