Marvel-616: Frequently Asked Questions (Kate, Clint, PG-13)
Title: Frequently Asked Questions
Author:
mad_maudlin
Fandom: Marvel-616 ("Hawkeye" with a dash of "Secret Avengers")
Charaters: Clint and Kate, plus various cameos
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: If you've read the first issue of the current "Secret Avengers" volume, you're good. Hell, if you've heard of the premise of the book, you're golden.
Summary: Today is Monday, March 18th. You started losing your memories yesterday.
A/N: For
trope_bingo: "Amnesia." I got the premise from this story on Reddit. Thanks to
laurakaye for a beta!
YOUR FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Monday, March 18th (6:39 pm)
Where am I? Interfaith Medical Center in Brooklyn. You got admitted through the ER around ten this morning. Yes, they take the Avengers' insurance plan, and also they were closest.
What happened? You appear to have some kind of chronic amnesia, such that you keep asking everybody these questions every five minutes, so I drove you over here and wrote you this awesome FAQ. You're welcome.
What's wrong with me? The doctors are still running a bunch of tests, but they think maybe it's meningitis. No, I don't know how you got meningitis, but don't breathe on me too much just in case.
Where's Lucky? Simone is taking care of him for now.
When can I leave? Probably not soon, since, you know, meningitis. They did a spinal tap (which was gross and you were a total baby about it) and the results will be back in the morning.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Tuesday, March 19th, 2013
Where am I? You are now in a super-secret spy hospital. I suspect it is in Jersey.
What happened? You were feeling funny yesterday morning, and you asked me to give you a ride to the hospital. Specifically, you asked me for a ride to the hospital like six times and then locked me out of your apartment, because you seem to be having some short-term memory problems. The doctors at Interfaith diagnosed you with meningitis, but at about three o'clock in the morning some spooks from SHIELD turned up and brought you here.
What's wrong with me? Obviously not meningitis, only nobody is telling me anything so I can't be sure.
How did you get here? Screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.
Where's Lucky? Simone is taking care of him. I made sure somebody ran her an extra bag of dog food since it looks like we're gonna be here for a while.
That lady looks familiar. She is LaTonya, your CNA, and she is super married, bro. Cut it out.
Frequently Asked Questions for Wednesday, March 20th which is today
What's my name? Clint.
What's your name? Kate.
Why am I tied to the bed? Long version: there is something wrong with your brain that is messing with your memories. We thought it was just your short-term memory, like the guy in "Memento," but now it seems like you're forgetting a lot of other things, like names, and how to read the FAQs I have been making you, and that IV lines are there for a reason. You've been in Secret Agent Memorial Hospital here for forty-eight hours (as of me typing this).
Short version: you tried to sneak out while I was getting food and beat up a security guard in the process. Don't beat up security guards, dumbass.
What's wrong with my brain? I don't know and nobody is willing to tell me because I'm not your next of kin. Try asking Natasha, she knows stuff. (She is the one with the red hair.) (But she is not your next of kin, either.)
When can I go home? Nobody will tell me that, either, but I think it will help if you don't beat people up.
Where's my dog? Your neighbor's taking care of him.
Where are my hearing aids? Drawer by the bed.
That lady is familiar. Dude, just stop.
Can you get me a soda? Do I look like your maid?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS because we are all frankly sick of answering them.
Who am I? You are Clinton Francis Barton, aka Hawkeye, aka Dumbass.
Where am I? You are in a private medical facility run by secret agents.
No fuckin' way. Yes, fuckin' way.
What the hell happened? For reasons nobody is entirely willing to explain at the moment you appear to have lost the ability to access long-term semantic memory and to form new short-term memories-yes, like the guy in "Memento." (Yes, "Memento" is the movie you're thinking of.) That means you have been asking the same questions over and over for like three days, hence this FAQ.
What day is it? As of this version of the FAQ is it Thursday, March 21st. You seem to have started losing your memories on Sunday, March 17th, but under the circumstances everyone thought you were just drunk as all hell and so they didn't realize anything was wrong until Monday morning when you called me in. You are now in the secret agent hospital and they have you drugged up like Keith Richards, which frankly isn't helping with the memory thing.
Why is this happening to me? Se above re: nobody is telling me anything, and I'm the only one willing to type this all up for you and then badger the nurses into letting me print it out. Incidentally, I owe them take-out and you owe me all the coffee forever.
Who are all you people?
I think I have a dog. Yes, you have a dog. Your downstairs neighbor Simone and her kids are taking care of him for you until you get your brain back.
That lady looks familiar. You have three CNAs who check on you periodically, and only two of them are ladies (Trisha and LaTonya). The third one (Chris) is probably going to start punching you if you call him a lady again. Stop flirting with them.
Are we related and/or dating? No. Also, hell no.
The why are you here? Because us Hawkeyes have to stick together.
When do I get out of here? Nobody will tell me anything, but presumably once you no longer need this FAQ.
Can I have some [insert any food/drink here]: There is only so much junk food I can smuggle through the front door in my purse, okay? And no way are we getting a pizza delivered in here. So assume that the answer is "no" and then you can be pleasantly surprised if this changes.
Am I the Iron Fist? No, and I don't know why you suddenly started asking me this.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
FRIDAY, MARCH 22
Your name: Clint Barton
My name: Kate Bishop
Your problem: You are really, really sick and it is scrambling your memories. Yes, like that movie with the guy in it. I know the one, and I know you know the one.
How long? All week.
Can they fix it? They'd better damn well be able to fix it.
Where are we? Jersey.
Why are you in restraints? You keep trying to escape on us, and frankly this is easier than walking you back here every time you get halfway down the hall and then forget where you're going.
Why am I here? Somebody has to be.
Who is that guy in the suit? His name is Agent Coulson. Do not tell him anything.
Did you give him the black eye? Yes.
Where are my hearing aids? Drawer to your left, but you might as well leave 'em out because you keep falling asleep with them in and then waking up cranky.
What are you doing here? Protecting your sad ass till you can do it yourself.
FAQ - SATURDAY MARCH 23
Your name: Clint
My name: Kate
Who you are: a superhero with a malfunctioning brain
Who am I: a superhero whose sense of duty supercedes her sense of self-preservation.
Are you shitting me: no.
Where are we: in a hospital, where you are being treated for your memory loss
What happened: Apparently you went on a mission so secret that somebody tried to your wipe it from your memory afterwards so that not even you would know about it. Yes, that's fucked up and yes, you are a moron for agreeing to such a thing. Now all your memories are breaking down which is why you keep asking me all this, and you're lucky I've decided that's punishment enough because you are seriously the king of bad decisions and I know some people who make REALLY bad decisions.
Holy shit: yes.
Can they fix me? They are trying.
Who is the guy with the shiner? Agent Coulson. You can talk to him but I'm not sure it does any good.
Why can't I hear anything? You have long-term hearing loss in both ears. Your hearing aids are in the drawer on your left. Take them out before you fall asleep.
Why are you here? Because right now I seem to be your only friend who doesn't have a vested interest in screwing you over. Well, me and Captain America, but he had to go to Mars or something.
Really? Captain America? Yes, really. Stop asking him that.
March 24, 2013
Mr. Barton,
Please try to remain calm. You are in a safe place. You are suffering from a degenerative neurological condition that is interfering with your ability to form and access memories. You've been in the care of a highly skilled medical team for the past week while we get to the bottom of this. We anticipate you making a full recovery. In the meantime, we have put you in restraints for your own protection.
I understand that this is very disconcerting for you but I assure you that we're doing everything we can. Please let one of your nurses know if you need anything or have any questions.
Sincerely,
Special Agent Phil Coulson.
PS DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM CLINT WE ARE COMING FOR YOU
HELLO
TODAY IS MONDAY
YOU HAVE CHRONIC MEMORY LOSS RIGHT NOW
YOUR NAME IS CLINT
THE PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ARE KATE AND NATASHA
THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS.
PLEASE STOP TRYING TO PUNCH THEM.
THERE'S PIZZA AND YOUR HEARING AIDS IN THE LIVING ROOM IF YOU WANT
THEM.
THE DOG'S NAME IS LUCKY HE IS YOURS.
FAQ - Tuesday, March 26
Your name: Clint
Everybody else: The awesome lady with the bow is Kate. The awesome lady with the hair is Natasha. The awesome guy with the hair is Billy. The dog is Lucky, and you named him that so quit calling it a stupid name.
What's happening? You had your brain scrambled by secret agents and it broke your memories. We helped you escape from them and Billy is trying to fix you with magic.
No, really, what's happening? Look, dude, if I was going to lie to you I'd be able to come up with a lot more plausible of a scenario than that.
Why am I wearing hearing aids? Because you need them and you keep losing them when you take them out.
Can I go outside? That is actually a very bad idea.
Can I go to the bathroom? Yes, but you have to promise not to punch anybody and then actually not punch anybody.
Can you untie me? I'm really sorry, but you keep trying to run away and you are infinitely safer here than anywhere else right now, so no, not really.
How long until I get better? Knowing Billy, I don't feel comfortable making predictions. I promise that this is the best we can do right now.
Today is Wednesday, March 27 - You Have Been Crazy Since Sunday, March 17
Where am I? This is my sister's place. She and her husband are in Europe being avante-garde, so we're safe here.
What happened to me? The long story is too long because you can't reach the screen here to scroll down. The short story: you lost some memories, we broke you out of Spy Hospital, and you punched a wizard. We are currently hiding from SHIELD, certain Avengers, and the wizard's boyfriend until further notice.
Why can't I remember _____? Billy said it might take time for everything to come back to you. Frankly, the fact that you know your own name right now is huge compared to yesterday, so I'm hoping by tomorrow I can stop tying you up because it's getting weird.
You can totally stop tying me up now. Nope, really can't.
You can also give me back my hearing aids. You need to make up your mind whether you want these damn things or not.
Is this my dog? Yep, and you're paying the bill for steam-cleaning these rugs when you get your marbles back. His name is Lucky and you're not allowed to feed him.
How much do I owe you for putting up with my bullshit this week? You have no frickin' idea.
Today is Thursday, March 28. My name is Clint Barton and you are Sassy McSassypants. We're laying low at your sister's place because I'm in some trouble with SHIELD and until I remember why that is, probably not a good idea to talk to people. You also need to work on your knots if you wanna tie up non-brain-damaged people in the future, girly-girl.
Apologize to your friend with the sparkles for me, will ya, and don't let me feed the dog any more today. And thanks.
--H
Author:
mad_maudlin
Fandom: Marvel-616 ("Hawkeye" with a dash of "Secret Avengers")
Charaters: Clint and Kate, plus various cameos
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: If you've read the first issue of the current "Secret Avengers" volume, you're good. Hell, if you've heard of the premise of the book, you're golden.
Summary: Today is Monday, March 18th. You started losing your memories yesterday.
A/N: For
trope_bingo: "Amnesia." I got the premise from this story on Reddit. Thanks to
laurakaye for a beta!
YOUR FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Monday, March 18th (6:39 pm)
Where am I? Interfaith Medical Center in Brooklyn. You got admitted through the ER around ten this morning. Yes, they take the Avengers' insurance plan, and also they were closest.
What happened? You appear to have some kind of chronic amnesia, such that you keep asking everybody these questions every five minutes, so I drove you over here and wrote you this awesome FAQ. You're welcome.
What's wrong with me? The doctors are still running a bunch of tests, but they think maybe it's meningitis. No, I don't know how you got meningitis, but don't breathe on me too much just in case.
Where's Lucky? Simone is taking care of him for now.
When can I leave? Probably not soon, since, you know, meningitis. They did a spinal tap (which was gross and you were a total baby about it) and the results will be back in the morning.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Tuesday, March 19th, 2013
Where am I? You are now in a super-secret spy hospital. I suspect it is in Jersey.
What happened? You were feeling funny yesterday morning, and you asked me to give you a ride to the hospital. Specifically, you asked me for a ride to the hospital like six times and then locked me out of your apartment, because you seem to be having some short-term memory problems. The doctors at Interfaith diagnosed you with meningitis, but at about three o'clock in the morning some spooks from SHIELD turned up and brought you here.
What's wrong with me? Obviously not meningitis, only nobody is telling me anything so I can't be sure.
How did you get here? Screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.
Where's Lucky? Simone is taking care of him. I made sure somebody ran her an extra bag of dog food since it looks like we're gonna be here for a while.
That lady looks familiar. She is LaTonya, your CNA, and she is super married, bro. Cut it out.
Frequently Asked Questions for Wednesday, March 20th which is today
What's my name? Clint.
What's your name? Kate.
Why am I tied to the bed? Long version: there is something wrong with your brain that is messing with your memories. We thought it was just your short-term memory, like the guy in "Memento," but now it seems like you're forgetting a lot of other things, like names, and how to read the FAQs I have been making you, and that IV lines are there for a reason. You've been in Secret Agent Memorial Hospital here for forty-eight hours (as of me typing this).
Short version: you tried to sneak out while I was getting food and beat up a security guard in the process. Don't beat up security guards, dumbass.
What's wrong with my brain? I don't know and nobody is willing to tell me because I'm not your next of kin. Try asking Natasha, she knows stuff. (She is the one with the red hair.) (But she is not your next of kin, either.)
When can I go home? Nobody will tell me that, either, but I think it will help if you don't beat people up.
Where's my dog? Your neighbor's taking care of him.
Where are my hearing aids? Drawer by the bed.
That lady is familiar. Dude, just stop.
Can you get me a soda? Do I look like your maid?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS because we are all frankly sick of answering them.
Who am I? You are Clinton Francis Barton, aka Hawkeye, aka Dumbass.
Where am I? You are in a private medical facility run by secret agents.
No fuckin' way. Yes, fuckin' way.
What the hell happened? For reasons nobody is entirely willing to explain at the moment you appear to have lost the ability to access long-term semantic memory and to form new short-term memories-yes, like the guy in "Memento." (Yes, "Memento" is the movie you're thinking of.) That means you have been asking the same questions over and over for like three days, hence this FAQ.
What day is it? As of this version of the FAQ is it Thursday, March 21st. You seem to have started losing your memories on Sunday, March 17th, but under the circumstances everyone thought you were just drunk as all hell and so they didn't realize anything was wrong until Monday morning when you called me in. You are now in the secret agent hospital and they have you drugged up like Keith Richards, which frankly isn't helping with the memory thing.
Why is this happening to me? Se above re: nobody is telling me anything, and I'm the only one willing to type this all up for you and then badger the nurses into letting me print it out. Incidentally, I owe them take-out and you owe me all the coffee forever.
Who are all you people?
- You - Dumbass
- Me - Kate Bishop, also Hawkeye, She Who Bring You Stuff and Types FAQs and Needs Coffee.
- Natasha - your friend, who is not telling me anything even though she totally knows something because she knows everything. Stop flirting with her, she dumped your ass years ago.
- Captain America - the actual Captain America. He apparently saw you on Sunday but didn't realize you weren't just drunk and now he feels bad. Stop asking if he's the actual Captain America because I think it's weirding him out.
- Agent Coulson - frankly I don't know who he is or what he's doing here but he keeps kicking me out to talk to you in private. If he is abusing you in any way you just need to start drawing tick marks on your arm with that Sharpie by the bed and I will spring you from this joint.
I think I have a dog. Yes, you have a dog. Your downstairs neighbor Simone and her kids are taking care of him for you until you get your brain back.
That lady looks familiar. You have three CNAs who check on you periodically, and only two of them are ladies (Trisha and LaTonya). The third one (Chris) is probably going to start punching you if you call him a lady again. Stop flirting with them.
Are we related and/or dating? No. Also, hell no.
The why are you here? Because us Hawkeyes have to stick together.
When do I get out of here? Nobody will tell me anything, but presumably once you no longer need this FAQ.
Can I have some [insert any food/drink here]: There is only so much junk food I can smuggle through the front door in my purse, okay? And no way are we getting a pizza delivered in here. So assume that the answer is "no" and then you can be pleasantly surprised if this changes.
Am I the Iron Fist? No, and I don't know why you suddenly started asking me this.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
FRIDAY, MARCH 22
Your name: Clint Barton
My name: Kate Bishop
Your problem: You are really, really sick and it is scrambling your memories. Yes, like that movie with the guy in it. I know the one, and I know you know the one.
How long? All week.
Can they fix it? They'd better damn well be able to fix it.
Where are we? Jersey.
Why are you in restraints? You keep trying to escape on us, and frankly this is easier than walking you back here every time you get halfway down the hall and then forget where you're going.
Why am I here? Somebody has to be.
Who is that guy in the suit? His name is Agent Coulson. Do not tell him anything.
Did you give him the black eye? Yes.
Where are my hearing aids? Drawer to your left, but you might as well leave 'em out because you keep falling asleep with them in and then waking up cranky.
What are you doing here? Protecting your sad ass till you can do it yourself.
FAQ - SATURDAY MARCH 23
Your name: Clint
My name: Kate
Who you are: a superhero with a malfunctioning brain
Who am I: a superhero whose sense of duty supercedes her sense of self-preservation.
Are you shitting me: no.
Where are we: in a hospital, where you are being treated for your memory loss
What happened: Apparently you went on a mission so secret that somebody tried to your wipe it from your memory afterwards so that not even you would know about it. Yes, that's fucked up and yes, you are a moron for agreeing to such a thing. Now all your memories are breaking down which is why you keep asking me all this, and you're lucky I've decided that's punishment enough because you are seriously the king of bad decisions and I know some people who make REALLY bad decisions.
Holy shit: yes.
Can they fix me? They are trying.
Who is the guy with the shiner? Agent Coulson. You can talk to him but I'm not sure it does any good.
Why can't I hear anything? You have long-term hearing loss in both ears. Your hearing aids are in the drawer on your left. Take them out before you fall asleep.
Why are you here? Because right now I seem to be your only friend who doesn't have a vested interest in screwing you over. Well, me and Captain America, but he had to go to Mars or something.
Really? Captain America? Yes, really. Stop asking him that.
March 24, 2013
Mr. Barton,
Please try to remain calm. You are in a safe place. You are suffering from a degenerative neurological condition that is interfering with your ability to form and access memories. You've been in the care of a highly skilled medical team for the past week while we get to the bottom of this. We anticipate you making a full recovery. In the meantime, we have put you in restraints for your own protection.
I understand that this is very disconcerting for you but I assure you that we're doing everything we can. Please let one of your nurses know if you need anything or have any questions.
Sincerely,
Special Agent Phil Coulson.
PS DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM CLINT WE ARE COMING FOR YOU
HELLO
TODAY IS MONDAY
YOU HAVE CHRONIC MEMORY LOSS RIGHT NOW
YOUR NAME IS CLINT
THE PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ARE KATE AND NATASHA
THEY ARE YOUR FRIENDS.
PLEASE STOP TRYING TO PUNCH THEM.
THERE'S PIZZA AND YOUR HEARING AIDS IN THE LIVING ROOM IF YOU WANT
THEM.
THE DOG'S NAME IS LUCKY HE IS YOURS.
FAQ - Tuesday, March 26
Your name: Clint
Everybody else: The awesome lady with the bow is Kate. The awesome lady with the hair is Natasha. The awesome guy with the hair is Billy. The dog is Lucky, and you named him that so quit calling it a stupid name.
What's happening? You had your brain scrambled by secret agents and it broke your memories. We helped you escape from them and Billy is trying to fix you with magic.
No, really, what's happening? Look, dude, if I was going to lie to you I'd be able to come up with a lot more plausible of a scenario than that.
Why am I wearing hearing aids? Because you need them and you keep losing them when you take them out.
Can I go outside? That is actually a very bad idea.
Can I go to the bathroom? Yes, but you have to promise not to punch anybody and then actually not punch anybody.
Can you untie me? I'm really sorry, but you keep trying to run away and you are infinitely safer here than anywhere else right now, so no, not really.
How long until I get better? Knowing Billy, I don't feel comfortable making predictions. I promise that this is the best we can do right now.
Today is Wednesday, March 27 - You Have Been Crazy Since Sunday, March 17
Where am I? This is my sister's place. She and her husband are in Europe being avante-garde, so we're safe here.
What happened to me? The long story is too long because you can't reach the screen here to scroll down. The short story: you lost some memories, we broke you out of Spy Hospital, and you punched a wizard. We are currently hiding from SHIELD, certain Avengers, and the wizard's boyfriend until further notice.
Why can't I remember _____? Billy said it might take time for everything to come back to you. Frankly, the fact that you know your own name right now is huge compared to yesterday, so I'm hoping by tomorrow I can stop tying you up because it's getting weird.
You can totally stop tying me up now. Nope, really can't.
You can also give me back my hearing aids. You need to make up your mind whether you want these damn things or not.
Is this my dog? Yep, and you're paying the bill for steam-cleaning these rugs when you get your marbles back. His name is Lucky and you're not allowed to feed him.
How much do I owe you for putting up with my bullshit this week? You have no frickin' idea.
Today is Thursday, March 28. My name is Clint Barton and you are Sassy McSassypants. We're laying low at your sister's place because I'm in some trouble with SHIELD and until I remember why that is, probably not a good idea to talk to people. You also need to work on your knots if you wanna tie up non-brain-damaged people in the future, girly-girl.
Apologize to your friend with the sparkles for me, will ya, and don't let me feed the dog any more today. And thanks.
--H