(no subject)
The following is an attempt to explain certain aspects of my mind. This entry is not meant to make anybody feel guilty in any way... but it is something that I need to express.
Here I am, a good Christian kid. I avidly believe in God, pray at least twelve million times a day, even in school. I have friends who love me. I have a girlfriend who loves me even more.
But God isn't real. And Alyssa? She goes behind my back all the time, and talks about me, but I do'nt even know it, because nobody would ever trash her name to me as she trashes mine to them. Julie? She hates me too. She tolerates me because she's afraid to just tell Leah how much she hates me. What the fuck would she want with me anyway? John? Is he really laughing at my jokes? I think not. He is only trying to make me feel better, because I know that everything that comes out of my mouth is either stupid bull shit, or blasphemy. And why would anybody give me the time of day by just telling me that I"m an idiot? It's much easier to ignore me, or fake a laugh or two. Oh yeah, the best part. Leah is with like eight different guys right now... and everybody knows it except for me. My greatest fear.
None of that is true, I know that. In fact, none of that is even exactly what I think, but it is a slight exageration of what I fear. The world is full of lies and slander. Why shouldn't it be that I am a victim of it?
Think about it. When me and Alyssa went out, she didn't like me at all for like the last month of our relationship. She told her mom about it, and she told her sister about it, God knows who else she told about it... but she never told me. She even told our friend over Starcraft about it... and never told me. And to walk into the chat room all of a sudden and find "He's really annoying... but don't tell him I said that." :0 was like ripping my heart out of my chest right there. It wasn't so bad that she didn't like me... but that so many people knew it, but I did not. Nobody told me. I was left to live in other people's lives, going about my duties as a naive 14 year old kid without a clue. Then, just like that, it was over, and I never saw it coming. What hurt the most was not the break up, but the fact that I never knew what everybody else knew. It was all in good intentions: 'Lyss didn't want to hurt me. But it hurt so much worse.
Then Julie. I'm not even going to explain. Similar situation: A pool of lies, to which I was the naive victim.
My father. Similary story. My mother. Similar story. My step father cheated on my mother with two different women, promised he'd stop, then did it again. All around me there has existed a cesspool of lies. That is all there was been to see; all there has been to believe in.
Whose to say that won't happen again? Maybe Leah is contemplating our break-up right now. I know that she is not, and I know that she loves me very dearly, because when I am with her, I feel it. It's nothing that can be explained... but I do feel it. I know that she's not lying to me, let me make that clear right now... but there are times when the question just flutters thorugh my mind What if she is? And that's all it takes. Suddenly a million scenarios fly through my head, all of them false, all of them utterly unfathomable, yet all of them somehow an alternate reality to which I reside. The second I hear her voice, or see her face, it goes away. It evaporates, dissolves, is gone. But for the terrifying moments that it does exist, I find myself in a panic.
My greatest fear is not being able to trust those whom I love.
I all ready don't trust my mother or father for shit. Neither of them deserve my trust. I don't trust half of my friends. There are tmies when I don't trust God. If he does not exist, than I am wasting my entire life for His purpose. And even if I wasn't living for that purpose, I'm still wasting my life... even though He DOES exist... but, just like the above situation, there are always those terrifying moments when I enter my alternate chaotic reality, and He is not there.
But the true reality still reigns surpreme over the universe... and I know that none of the fears described here are real. None of them could be real. None of them ever will be real. They are what they are. Nothing stupid little kid fears.
Here I am, a good Christian kid. I avidly believe in God, pray at least twelve million times a day, even in school. I have friends who love me. I have a girlfriend who loves me even more.
But God isn't real. And Alyssa? She goes behind my back all the time, and talks about me, but I do'nt even know it, because nobody would ever trash her name to me as she trashes mine to them. Julie? She hates me too. She tolerates me because she's afraid to just tell Leah how much she hates me. What the fuck would she want with me anyway? John? Is he really laughing at my jokes? I think not. He is only trying to make me feel better, because I know that everything that comes out of my mouth is either stupid bull shit, or blasphemy. And why would anybody give me the time of day by just telling me that I"m an idiot? It's much easier to ignore me, or fake a laugh or two. Oh yeah, the best part. Leah is with like eight different guys right now... and everybody knows it except for me. My greatest fear.
None of that is true, I know that. In fact, none of that is even exactly what I think, but it is a slight exageration of what I fear. The world is full of lies and slander. Why shouldn't it be that I am a victim of it?
Think about it. When me and Alyssa went out, she didn't like me at all for like the last month of our relationship. She told her mom about it, and she told her sister about it, God knows who else she told about it... but she never told me. She even told our friend over Starcraft about it... and never told me. And to walk into the chat room all of a sudden and find "He's really annoying... but don't tell him I said that." :0 was like ripping my heart out of my chest right there. It wasn't so bad that she didn't like me... but that so many people knew it, but I did not. Nobody told me. I was left to live in other people's lives, going about my duties as a naive 14 year old kid without a clue. Then, just like that, it was over, and I never saw it coming. What hurt the most was not the break up, but the fact that I never knew what everybody else knew. It was all in good intentions: 'Lyss didn't want to hurt me. But it hurt so much worse.
Then Julie. I'm not even going to explain. Similar situation: A pool of lies, to which I was the naive victim.
My father. Similary story. My mother. Similar story. My step father cheated on my mother with two different women, promised he'd stop, then did it again. All around me there has existed a cesspool of lies. That is all there was been to see; all there has been to believe in.
Whose to say that won't happen again? Maybe Leah is contemplating our break-up right now. I know that she is not, and I know that she loves me very dearly, because when I am with her, I feel it. It's nothing that can be explained... but I do feel it. I know that she's not lying to me, let me make that clear right now... but there are times when the question just flutters thorugh my mind What if she is? And that's all it takes. Suddenly a million scenarios fly through my head, all of them false, all of them utterly unfathomable, yet all of them somehow an alternate reality to which I reside. The second I hear her voice, or see her face, it goes away. It evaporates, dissolves, is gone. But for the terrifying moments that it does exist, I find myself in a panic.
My greatest fear is not being able to trust those whom I love.
I all ready don't trust my mother or father for shit. Neither of them deserve my trust. I don't trust half of my friends. There are tmies when I don't trust God. If he does not exist, than I am wasting my entire life for His purpose. And even if I wasn't living for that purpose, I'm still wasting my life... even though He DOES exist... but, just like the above situation, there are always those terrifying moments when I enter my alternate chaotic reality, and He is not there.
But the true reality still reigns surpreme over the universe... and I know that none of the fears described here are real. None of them could be real. None of them ever will be real. They are what they are. Nothing stupid little kid fears.