true strength
well i did it. i took the first step to not allowing others to rule with fear over me. as long as i can remember i was always hiding and cowering from someone yelling and who terrified me. spent pretty much all my life being afraid. i guess i just had it. was done with it. done carrying shit around with me, done with not having total control over my life. just done. so i faced my fears. i should feel awesome. i should feel proud. i should feel strong. but i don't. i don't feel any of these things. with people who really know me looking at me in awe doesnt feel right. im disgusted with myself more then anything. disgusted i wasted so many years being afraid. disgusted i couldn't have done it sooner. then, here is my lil sis who has been through hell as well but has never seemed to let fear stop her or control her her entire life. she has always done what she needed to for her, and nobody could ever inflict that kind of fear in her. what kind of older sister am i to look up too when all i do is hide? she is the strongest person i know. yesturday was her one year and i cried and cried. i am so damn proud of her. mary spoke and i started weeping, then my sister stood up to speak and i was gone. i dont know if i will ever be tested as much as she was and is, but i do pray that if and when i am, i have at least some of that inner strength she contains within.