Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine (Season 7 spoilers)

[100deaths_a_day]

Dean's close to breaking point. this is just my interpretation of how it might go.

27/10/2011: knightcons Drew a lovely fanart linked to this. <3

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Rethread!

[hunter_returns]

Worry started to edge towards alarm at the quiet, pained question. Sam reached out, gripping his brother's shoulder, as if somehow that would keep him from shattering.

The answer was a painfully simple one. It wasn't "because we can", because half the time, they barely squeaked out alive anymore.

It was because Castiel had been family. He had risked everything for them on more than one occasion because.. because he had seen something worthwhile in Dean.

"Because we owe him," he said softly. If they couldn't bring Cas back, and Sam wasn't so sure that was beyond the realm of possibility, they could find some way of stopping the Leviathan and letting him rest in peace.

[100deaths_a_day]

He didn't shrug Sam's hand off of his shoulder, nor did he lean into it. He lifted his head from the window and looked at Sam, though.

Cas had seen something worthwhile in Dean, but Dean had never seen it. still couldn't. All he knew was that he kept failing in his one job: to protect his family.

"I can't pay him him back for what he's done for us. Hell, he told me felt regret for what he'd done, and the only damned thing I could say was asking if that it made him feel better." There was so many things he should have said. But no. Of course he never said what he should have.

[hunter_returns]

Sam squeezed his shoulder harder, reinforcing his presence.

"None of us can, Dean. And Cas.. he knew. That's why he came home in the first place. Because he was still family and he knew that we'd help him. You didn't have to say it. He knew."

He wanted to grab Dean and shake him until he screamed. He'd idolized his brother since he was a child. There were parts of him that still did, even if he did find him frustrating, infuriating and difficult half the time. He was worthwhile. He was his big brother.

"Cas was worth saving."

".. so were you."

...and.... he still can't bring himself to say it.

[100deaths_a_day]

There was a little choked exhalation of air, and he shook his head, closing his eyes against the bitter sting of tears that threatened. He had to wonder if Sam would be singing the same tune if he'd seen what he'd done to some of those damned souls.

Or if he knew what Dean had done to Amy. That might change Sam's glowing opinion of him, or so he thought.

Dean's voice was low and broken, after he got out of the car to lean against it and get some air. "...He saved me.... but I couldn't do anything to help him."

[hunter_returns]

Sam was out of the car a fraction of a second after Dean. He damn near slid over the hood just to get to him quicker.

"We were trying to get him back."

Chick flick moments be damned. Sam grabbed Dean and pulled him into a hug. "We almost had him, Dean. You were trying to help him. Cas knew, Dean. He knew."

[100deaths_a_day]

Dean tried pushing Sam away but, when that failed, gripped Sam tightly. He wasn't caring about the chick-flick moment. Just that at this second, Sam was his anchor and wasn't letting him go.

"It wasn't.... It's not good enough Sammy." I'm not good enough, and I don't know how the hell to make it better; make me better.