20
God I hate Christmas...
Yea...this has been the best holiday ive had in as long as i can remeber and it still sucked. the fact that im going to be able to pay a lot of bills this next month makes me happy, and the fact that some people actualy took the time to think about what the fuck they got me. granted i hate getting and giving...thats not what it's suppost to be about, but the fact that they took the initiative and got me something so small yet something that means so much. who knew that a can opener and a book could really mean so much? anyways...i took a little step and tried talking to C again...to see if she really was pushing me away or what. she had been really busy working and what not so i understand why there was the lack of conversation between us. but now that ive just began talking to her again, as friends...FUCK! this girl has some weird ass power over me. i really wanna know how she has done it. so many just really tiny things that just make me want to squeeze the crap out of her...in a good way. i need to just not ask her questions that are gonna give me answers i dont want to hear...good or bad. BUT...i dont want to even think about trying to start something with her. not the right time for either of us. she has her things and ive got S.
the book i spoke of...S got it for me. and baisicly told me that if i got her something she would be mad at me. i feel horribale about it but im not going to. if you know more than a little about me you will know that my fav movie ever is The Princess Bride...she got me the book. I've read over half of it in a day. its just a really good book, but its the fact that she thought about me. has to be the nicest thing that anyone has ever done...ever! that and my mom knew how much i loved her weird can opener and got me one...that was hella cool.
but screw all the girl problems right now...ive got bigger things on my mind. what made this christmas suck. the fact that the whole time i was at my grandpa's they where talking like he was going to die in the next few days or something. granted he did give me A LOT of money, saying that he couldnt take it with him. then they started talking about who would get what stuff and all sorts of shit. dude...just not cool. i just lost my other g-pa and my g-ma the last few years...so i have one on each side left. dude...it just makes everything seems so terminal and short lived. i dont want my g-pa to die...i dont want my parents to die. but like a few years ago my mom comes up to me to tell me that her and my dad bought burial plots...WTF! Tell my other brothers or sister...not me. i dont care...fuck. it just makes it seem so clear that im gonna die alone, or unhappy, or both, or i dont know...
got piss faces drunk the other night...i need to avoid that. sides of me that i dont like come out. the people that are here now are trying to get me to drink...good thing everything we have taist like ass or i would be to drunk to write this. so weird too...ive been so happy, but the last few days have sucked...i dont want it to be but i think it might be b/c i havent seen S. the days that i had seen her and talked to her everything had been perfect. work hadnt bothered me, nothing could bring me down...but everthing is kinda crashing...i miss her. but i dont know what im going to do...all this shit with C is coming back and i dont know how happy i could be with either of them. im almost at the point where i would go ahead and date/go out with S but if C came along and wanted to be with me i would drop S like a bad habbit. i cant do that...i cant be that mean. but i in no way want to wait on C. I want her to live her life and be happy. and i am happy hanging out with S...god ive never been so fucking confused. i know what a lot of people would say in this situation...if you cant deside one or the other then chose neither and avoid it all. that is probably best...but i cant help but feel something for S. she is so sweet...and acts a lot like me and my friends. I finally find the type of girl i like and start finding them everywhere...damn it.
anyways...i need to just go with the flow...let be what will be. life is about balance...my ups always have their downs. but i do think its time for a much needed up. im thinking that its just really late and im letting a lot of things that dont really matter cloud my judgment. if im happy with S i should be with her...and i am. WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS!?!? wtf im weird. no one reads this anyways...i mean i know that im on a few friends list so there-fore i know that this does get around...but none of you know who i am.
Yea...this has been the best holiday ive had in as long as i can remeber and it still sucked. the fact that im going to be able to pay a lot of bills this next month makes me happy, and the fact that some people actualy took the time to think about what the fuck they got me. granted i hate getting and giving...thats not what it's suppost to be about, but the fact that they took the initiative and got me something so small yet something that means so much. who knew that a can opener and a book could really mean so much? anyways...i took a little step and tried talking to C again...to see if she really was pushing me away or what. she had been really busy working and what not so i understand why there was the lack of conversation between us. but now that ive just began talking to her again, as friends...FUCK! this girl has some weird ass power over me. i really wanna know how she has done it. so many just really tiny things that just make me want to squeeze the crap out of her...in a good way. i need to just not ask her questions that are gonna give me answers i dont want to hear...good or bad. BUT...i dont want to even think about trying to start something with her. not the right time for either of us. she has her things and ive got S.
the book i spoke of...S got it for me. and baisicly told me that if i got her something she would be mad at me. i feel horribale about it but im not going to. if you know more than a little about me you will know that my fav movie ever is The Princess Bride...she got me the book. I've read over half of it in a day. its just a really good book, but its the fact that she thought about me. has to be the nicest thing that anyone has ever done...ever! that and my mom knew how much i loved her weird can opener and got me one...that was hella cool.
but screw all the girl problems right now...ive got bigger things on my mind. what made this christmas suck. the fact that the whole time i was at my grandpa's they where talking like he was going to die in the next few days or something. granted he did give me A LOT of money, saying that he couldnt take it with him. then they started talking about who would get what stuff and all sorts of shit. dude...just not cool. i just lost my other g-pa and my g-ma the last few years...so i have one on each side left. dude...it just makes everything seems so terminal and short lived. i dont want my g-pa to die...i dont want my parents to die. but like a few years ago my mom comes up to me to tell me that her and my dad bought burial plots...WTF! Tell my other brothers or sister...not me. i dont care...fuck. it just makes it seem so clear that im gonna die alone, or unhappy, or both, or i dont know...
got piss faces drunk the other night...i need to avoid that. sides of me that i dont like come out. the people that are here now are trying to get me to drink...good thing everything we have taist like ass or i would be to drunk to write this. so weird too...ive been so happy, but the last few days have sucked...i dont want it to be but i think it might be b/c i havent seen S. the days that i had seen her and talked to her everything had been perfect. work hadnt bothered me, nothing could bring me down...but everthing is kinda crashing...i miss her. but i dont know what im going to do...all this shit with C is coming back and i dont know how happy i could be with either of them. im almost at the point where i would go ahead and date/go out with S but if C came along and wanted to be with me i would drop S like a bad habbit. i cant do that...i cant be that mean. but i in no way want to wait on C. I want her to live her life and be happy. and i am happy hanging out with S...god ive never been so fucking confused. i know what a lot of people would say in this situation...if you cant deside one or the other then chose neither and avoid it all. that is probably best...but i cant help but feel something for S. she is so sweet...and acts a lot like me and my friends. I finally find the type of girl i like and start finding them everywhere...damn it.
anyways...i need to just go with the flow...let be what will be. life is about balance...my ups always have their downs. but i do think its time for a much needed up. im thinking that its just really late and im letting a lot of things that dont really matter cloud my judgment. if im happy with S i should be with her...and i am. WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS!?!? wtf im weird. no one reads this anyways...i mean i know that im on a few friends list so there-fore i know that this does get around...but none of you know who i am.