oh god
everyone starts back at school today. emory doesn't even begin until NEXT wednesday, thursday for me since i have no classes on MWF. i wasn't going to move back until a week from now, because we have a writing center meeting next tuesday, but the way things have been at home, i might move back thursday of this week after my dentist appt. on wednesday. i would be further away from ben but i think it'll be fine because i'll be in an overall better mood being back in my safe zone, away from this house. israel had to move out because of his crazy ex-wife, so shaye's friend mike is moving in. i don't mind. i'm so anti-social anyway, always in my room doing homework or sleeping. we're all moving out in may, which is crazy to me. shaye will have been there 3 years, and i 2 years.
the national championship is on tonight. last year i watched it at famous with chase and ian because ben was somewhere else and we weren't on the best of terms at that time. things are so different now. anyway, i hope ohio state wins for ben's sake. he loves them so much and florida ate them last year and everyone's predicting lsu will do the same this year. i love the sec, but a few sportscasters are predicting an ohio state win and i don't know what to think, except ben will get a lot of shit if lsu wins.
i have been driving around the area at night after my mom goes to bed, just to clear my head and be alone in the dark. i think i drive in order to feel like i am going somewhere, instead of sitting still, stagnating. that might also be why i like the sound of train whistles in the distance. somewhere, close or far away, someone is moving somewhere else. the idea of movement and change is comforting when you're stuck in one unhappy place. but i have noticed something. anyone who lives in this area has noticed all the development going on since we became johns creek. thousands and thousands of trees have just been leveled to the ground and you never think about it in passing, except maybe, wow another strip mall or townhome subdivision. but at night when you drive by these places, still undeveloped but stripped, there are several families of deer standing on the side of the road, on the edge of the woods, looking lost. and for some reason, the past few nights, the sight of these deer standing there has broken my heart. not only for the obvious reason, that we're destroying their homes and lifestyle, and eventually they will be in so much competition for food sources that they will die out or get hit by the idiotic teenage drivers around here, as they try to cross the street to find food for their babies. but also maybe because i can relate to them. i hate to center this on myself, since it really is about the deer and their loss of habitat, but lately i have been feeling like a lost deer in headlights, late at night on the side of the road on the edge of the forest. it makes me sad right to my core.
in getting older and gaining more experience, wisdom, and maturity, my writing has expanded. i used to be very plot-centered, but i have been exploring more psychological depths of family and friend relationships. the hurts, intentional and not, that we cause each other, our own personal demons we quietly or loudly struggle with, our contradictions and fears and secret hopes that make us so disgustingly human. i have been picking up on these things as i get older and start making connections, not just in my academic life, but also in my regular life. and maybe that's why i'm in therapy. i feel like some people can just breeze through life, never stopping to examine or question, and that is how they are always so carefree and happy. but i stop to look under the surface and it depresses me and weighs me down, like a heavy load on my back that i have to carry for everyone else. maybe that is why i cry all the time. not only because of this load but also because few people seem to notice it.
i just have this horrible feeling that one day everyone's going to notice how depressed i am and the game will be up and i will be all alone. if you peel back each layer of me, if you get through the superficial, everyday things, to the human core, it's dark and weighed down. and i want to think everyone is like that, just maybe some people don't know about the layers and haven't begun to peel them back. good for them. maybe life would be overall happier if we just left the layers as they were and didn't try to self-examine ourselves. but would it really be a complete life if we didn't realize our connection to genuine and sometimes sickening humanity?
the national championship is on tonight. last year i watched it at famous with chase and ian because ben was somewhere else and we weren't on the best of terms at that time. things are so different now. anyway, i hope ohio state wins for ben's sake. he loves them so much and florida ate them last year and everyone's predicting lsu will do the same this year. i love the sec, but a few sportscasters are predicting an ohio state win and i don't know what to think, except ben will get a lot of shit if lsu wins.
i have been driving around the area at night after my mom goes to bed, just to clear my head and be alone in the dark. i think i drive in order to feel like i am going somewhere, instead of sitting still, stagnating. that might also be why i like the sound of train whistles in the distance. somewhere, close or far away, someone is moving somewhere else. the idea of movement and change is comforting when you're stuck in one unhappy place. but i have noticed something. anyone who lives in this area has noticed all the development going on since we became johns creek. thousands and thousands of trees have just been leveled to the ground and you never think about it in passing, except maybe, wow another strip mall or townhome subdivision. but at night when you drive by these places, still undeveloped but stripped, there are several families of deer standing on the side of the road, on the edge of the woods, looking lost. and for some reason, the past few nights, the sight of these deer standing there has broken my heart. not only for the obvious reason, that we're destroying their homes and lifestyle, and eventually they will be in so much competition for food sources that they will die out or get hit by the idiotic teenage drivers around here, as they try to cross the street to find food for their babies. but also maybe because i can relate to them. i hate to center this on myself, since it really is about the deer and their loss of habitat, but lately i have been feeling like a lost deer in headlights, late at night on the side of the road on the edge of the forest. it makes me sad right to my core.
in getting older and gaining more experience, wisdom, and maturity, my writing has expanded. i used to be very plot-centered, but i have been exploring more psychological depths of family and friend relationships. the hurts, intentional and not, that we cause each other, our own personal demons we quietly or loudly struggle with, our contradictions and fears and secret hopes that make us so disgustingly human. i have been picking up on these things as i get older and start making connections, not just in my academic life, but also in my regular life. and maybe that's why i'm in therapy. i feel like some people can just breeze through life, never stopping to examine or question, and that is how they are always so carefree and happy. but i stop to look under the surface and it depresses me and weighs me down, like a heavy load on my back that i have to carry for everyone else. maybe that is why i cry all the time. not only because of this load but also because few people seem to notice it.
i just have this horrible feeling that one day everyone's going to notice how depressed i am and the game will be up and i will be all alone. if you peel back each layer of me, if you get through the superficial, everyday things, to the human core, it's dark and weighed down. and i want to think everyone is like that, just maybe some people don't know about the layers and haven't begun to peel them back. good for them. maybe life would be overall happier if we just left the layers as they were and didn't try to self-examine ourselves. but would it really be a complete life if we didn't realize our connection to genuine and sometimes sickening humanity?