sad
i found out about sam the morning i was supposed to leave for bonnaroo. i still went to bonnaroo and i had a lot of fun. as soon as i got back though, i cried again. i've never cried when someone i know has died, because no one that close to me has ever died suddenly or prematurely. sam was one of my best, closest friends from high school. if i could name the five people who knew me best at chattahoochee, he would be on the list. and then he died. i haven't been able to stop crying or thinking about him. i can't imagine life without him because he always seemed to pop back into my life. and i didn't call him back the last time he called me.
always call people back. you don't ever know.
and i keep asking myself, why am i still here? why wasn't it me? because it could have been. i guess this is what i've been learning about in my trauma studies. survivor guilt. it's fine to read about, it's interesting. but living it feels crappy. i just feel like crap. i'm terrified to see everyone at the service tonight. i'm going to lose it. sam may have made some mistakes but we all did. he had a good heart. a big, endless, warm heart. he would do anything for his friends. i don't know if i'll ever accept that he's gone forever.
always call people back. you don't ever know.
and i keep asking myself, why am i still here? why wasn't it me? because it could have been. i guess this is what i've been learning about in my trauma studies. survivor guilt. it's fine to read about, it's interesting. but living it feels crappy. i just feel like crap. i'm terrified to see everyone at the service tonight. i'm going to lose it. sam may have made some mistakes but we all did. he had a good heart. a big, endless, warm heart. he would do anything for his friends. i don't know if i'll ever accept that he's gone forever.