what would i do if there was no one to doubt me? what would i become?
i am thankful of the few friends and people in my life, who have a
supportive level of faith in me; which i'm afraid, others don't, or
refuse, to see. i know there are more of you out there who feel
the same way. there are some like SGT jessica bunce, my
recruiter, who have so much faith in my abilities, that i fear letting
them down. jessica has told me such things as, "i would be
suprised if you didn't graduate from OSUT with honors" and "i
really think you should consider applying for OCS after you make SGT,
so that you can be an officer in F/425th INF." it's a warm
feeling knowing people like her are out there. Chief, an old CAP
senior of mine, also asked "you do planning on going for your
commission, don't you?" hearing this from his mouth is a little
different than hearing it out of jessica, since he has watched me in
action as the company first SGT back in my mustang days. either
way, the support is appreciated beyond measure. but i do fear
letting them down. i did not join the service for stripes and
silver bars, but for the sole purpose of serving. every piece of
training available is a nice perk, but not the intended goal. as
i told jessica, if mother army feels i can be of more use as an
officer, so be it. i just don't want to let the people who
support me in such a manner down.
there are those who are quietly supportive. they don't pronounce their faith and make it known how they feel. i don't know how to feel about this (hmm.. sounds familiar). are they trying to be nice about the whole thing? are they keeping it in.. that they don't feel i'll make it? i'm not just speaking about the army aspect of my life. although, this is one genre which has recently become a large issue. these are the people that bother me the most. not in the way that oppression bothers me, but more along the lines of; who is hiding what and why? i would rather know that someone agrees or disagrees with what i'm doing. whether they want me to do it or not. whether they support me or not. in other words, i want to know where they stand. do they think i am capable or not? i've tried to always be a man (boy) of truth. while some people would rather not know the truth, due to its possible horrific nature, i always want to know the truth. feeling may get hurt. but at least i know how you feel. at least i know where my supporters are, and who has faith in me. i'm typing these thoughts of mine down, and i've come to a brick wall on this section. perhaps i'll come back later.
hmm. the next thing. ah, yes. faith in oneself. obviously, this is crucial. some people are great at knowing their limits. others have a positive level of confidence. there are of course, those who have no idea what they are capable of (i.e. lacking self confidence). and the opposite folk who feel they can do anything, to a point of being cocky.
as for myself, i feel i fall somewhere between the first two. i know my limitations. i also know what i am capable of. regarding a positive level of self confidence; who has heard me say "it'll all work out in the end?" this is essentially how i feel. let's bring the worse case scenario to the table. if i get shot in the chest in iraq, and i'm laying in my own pool of blood as i die, i will not have pity on myself because of my actions and the course which i have chosen. i have no idea what comes after death, but really.. who does? death is not the worst of all things. and in that moment of passing, it will be clear.. that everything will work out. i will however, miss the people i'm leaving behind. and some of the circumstances surrounding my life which i couldn't change. along with many experiences i wanted, but feel i've already missed. the last one there is fucked anyway, cycles have repeated themselves.
i know my limitations. i also know what i am capable of doing. mostly, this boils down to learning. i don't know how to raise a child. but i know i can learn. for a moment there, i thought i had the right outlook on myself.. on my abilities, and the things that i can take care of. although, perhaps some people have a better view and understanding of you, than you yourself do. to what extent do you use them and their views to keep you in check?
this next little section, i know everyone can relate to. the want to really make someone happy, but the feeling that you're not quite getting the job done. we all first experience this as children. unfortunately, some of us contiinue to experience this from our parents long into our young adult and adult lives. i get that feeling from many family members, when they say they support what you're doing, that they're just waiting for you to come crawling back and admit you've fucked it all up. but this is a dead topic, since most of us know how this works, and we've come to accept it, or at least handle it. if parents and family are out of the discussion, then who's left? well, a broader group called relationships, which can be in tern boiled down to intimate relationships. i'm not speaking to schizophrenics here, so i'll assume we've all come to terms with the cycle and machine work of friendships. the feeling that you're not satisfying or properly supporting friends comes and goes. the wonderful thing about friendships is the ability to talk between parties. true friends don't have trouble (or shouldn't have trouble) confronting each other about mental strains. this burrows itself much deeper and becomes exponentially complex when it comes to intimate relationships. the sexual aspect alone is enough to keep one awake at night. i'll refrain from using the title "i" since i'm writing this, and this is obviously how i feel. but i'm writing to the larger crowd of folks who i know have had the same or similar feelings.
there are a group of people who have always felt alone, or outside of the general populous for the majority of their lives. i'll agree with freud, and say that this almost always spawns itself during childhood. we can deduct from this group of people, three sub groups. there are (1) those who feel alone, and disregard opportunities for happiness because of past fears. they've been hurt, and they'll have it so that they're hurt again before opening up. they don't realize that their past fears are keeping them from having exactly what it is they want. what happens when they find that person worth investing in, and they simply won't open up, and risk creating a stronger relationship? they lose it, and they find themselves right back where they started. this time though, by their own fault. it is understandable the fears that they have, and the importance of time. what does one do when little or no advance is shown during a certain period of time? well, if you have faith in that other person, you may stick around. to them, this should be a confirmation of what they are looking for. often, they fail to see this side of the situation. there are (2) those people who have been hurt in the past, but have such a steady idea of what they want, that they'll risk getting hurt again to have it. these people have faith; faith in themselves (obviously a biased, but possibly true statement). the final sub group is contained of (3) those who have been hurt, and will hurt before the slightest chance arrises for themselves to get hurt. these people will never start relationships, out of the fear of what may come. and they'll use such extreme measures as to hurtfuly end all possibilities before they begin.
well, i hope somebody out there enjoys steve's psychoanalytical/philosophical writings via introspection. if anything, i've at least written some thoughts down, which should help somehow. right?
there are those who are quietly supportive. they don't pronounce their faith and make it known how they feel. i don't know how to feel about this (hmm.. sounds familiar). are they trying to be nice about the whole thing? are they keeping it in.. that they don't feel i'll make it? i'm not just speaking about the army aspect of my life. although, this is one genre which has recently become a large issue. these are the people that bother me the most. not in the way that oppression bothers me, but more along the lines of; who is hiding what and why? i would rather know that someone agrees or disagrees with what i'm doing. whether they want me to do it or not. whether they support me or not. in other words, i want to know where they stand. do they think i am capable or not? i've tried to always be a man (boy) of truth. while some people would rather not know the truth, due to its possible horrific nature, i always want to know the truth. feeling may get hurt. but at least i know how you feel. at least i know where my supporters are, and who has faith in me. i'm typing these thoughts of mine down, and i've come to a brick wall on this section. perhaps i'll come back later.
hmm. the next thing. ah, yes. faith in oneself. obviously, this is crucial. some people are great at knowing their limits. others have a positive level of confidence. there are of course, those who have no idea what they are capable of (i.e. lacking self confidence). and the opposite folk who feel they can do anything, to a point of being cocky.
as for myself, i feel i fall somewhere between the first two. i know my limitations. i also know what i am capable of. regarding a positive level of self confidence; who has heard me say "it'll all work out in the end?" this is essentially how i feel. let's bring the worse case scenario to the table. if i get shot in the chest in iraq, and i'm laying in my own pool of blood as i die, i will not have pity on myself because of my actions and the course which i have chosen. i have no idea what comes after death, but really.. who does? death is not the worst of all things. and in that moment of passing, it will be clear.. that everything will work out. i will however, miss the people i'm leaving behind. and some of the circumstances surrounding my life which i couldn't change. along with many experiences i wanted, but feel i've already missed. the last one there is fucked anyway, cycles have repeated themselves.
i know my limitations. i also know what i am capable of doing. mostly, this boils down to learning. i don't know how to raise a child. but i know i can learn. for a moment there, i thought i had the right outlook on myself.. on my abilities, and the things that i can take care of. although, perhaps some people have a better view and understanding of you, than you yourself do. to what extent do you use them and their views to keep you in check?
this next little section, i know everyone can relate to. the want to really make someone happy, but the feeling that you're not quite getting the job done. we all first experience this as children. unfortunately, some of us contiinue to experience this from our parents long into our young adult and adult lives. i get that feeling from many family members, when they say they support what you're doing, that they're just waiting for you to come crawling back and admit you've fucked it all up. but this is a dead topic, since most of us know how this works, and we've come to accept it, or at least handle it. if parents and family are out of the discussion, then who's left? well, a broader group called relationships, which can be in tern boiled down to intimate relationships. i'm not speaking to schizophrenics here, so i'll assume we've all come to terms with the cycle and machine work of friendships. the feeling that you're not satisfying or properly supporting friends comes and goes. the wonderful thing about friendships is the ability to talk between parties. true friends don't have trouble (or shouldn't have trouble) confronting each other about mental strains. this burrows itself much deeper and becomes exponentially complex when it comes to intimate relationships. the sexual aspect alone is enough to keep one awake at night. i'll refrain from using the title "i" since i'm writing this, and this is obviously how i feel. but i'm writing to the larger crowd of folks who i know have had the same or similar feelings.
there are a group of people who have always felt alone, or outside of the general populous for the majority of their lives. i'll agree with freud, and say that this almost always spawns itself during childhood. we can deduct from this group of people, three sub groups. there are (1) those who feel alone, and disregard opportunities for happiness because of past fears. they've been hurt, and they'll have it so that they're hurt again before opening up. they don't realize that their past fears are keeping them from having exactly what it is they want. what happens when they find that person worth investing in, and they simply won't open up, and risk creating a stronger relationship? they lose it, and they find themselves right back where they started. this time though, by their own fault. it is understandable the fears that they have, and the importance of time. what does one do when little or no advance is shown during a certain period of time? well, if you have faith in that other person, you may stick around. to them, this should be a confirmation of what they are looking for. often, they fail to see this side of the situation. there are (2) those people who have been hurt in the past, but have such a steady idea of what they want, that they'll risk getting hurt again to have it. these people have faith; faith in themselves (obviously a biased, but possibly true statement). the final sub group is contained of (3) those who have been hurt, and will hurt before the slightest chance arrises for themselves to get hurt. these people will never start relationships, out of the fear of what may come. and they'll use such extreme measures as to hurtfuly end all possibilities before they begin.
well, i hope somebody out there enjoys steve's psychoanalytical/philosophical writings via introspection. if anything, i've at least written some thoughts down, which should help somehow. right?