[PRIVATE] - Sometimes...
... it's fine. I just sit on the windowsill in the kitchen and watch the traffic below, sipping my tea. But other times it gets... cold. And at the end of the day I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I used to call Mike, to wake him up, wish him good morning and give him a verbal boost for the day, but it's been over a week now that I just don't do it anymore. It started off with him going to Europe, the timezones changed. He had to be the one to call and when he did, he was always dead tired, half drifting off. So when he was back I just told him to go to sleep, I think he listened to me.
Thing is, yesterday they had a party. Or so I think. I heard people and music in the background and... I didn't ask, I just called to wish him goodnight. Could be they arranged a welcome back party? But if so, why wasn't I told, I'd have helped prepare - I even prepared a little something for when he gets back anyway. I suppose the American chosen are tight-knit, but more often than not, it feels like I don't really belong there. Which is understandable - we were not that close buddies even before, but it's disturbing nonetheless because I feel I belong even less here.
It's been two weeks since dad's back home from surgery. Yamato's moved in with him again, of course, but when he's at work, I stay with him. He's doing good, tho doctors are pleased with the rate of his recovery, but it'll be some time till he's back in shape to go to work again. Mom's offered she'd take him to the hot-springs when he's well enough, though he's not said yet wither he'd want to go or not. I don't know how to feel about my family coming together again like this, I've given up hope on it a long time ago, and I'm not even sure what mom's thinking, but it would we nice if we all just went somewhere together, even if it meant pretending everything was fine again for a day.
I've not written here since Easter, have I? And that's... over Easter, Daisuke came by. Literally came by. I have no clue what he was doing in the park by my apartment complex. I was on my way to the store, and suddenly he was there. I didn't even know he'd be back in Japan. I was half in shock. He just talked so normally to me and I was responding likewise but... tears just streamed down my face at a point, out of nowhere. I haven't cried in a year probably. He didn't really comment, he acted as though he couldn't see it. But even if he couldn't, others could, so I took him to my apartment as an excuse. We had tea, we talked; it was all very... careful in a way. And when he left, it sunk in that he was not obliged to even be my friend, and that I've probably caused him more hurt than being with me was worth. Call it irrational, but it makes me wonder wither I'm any good or even able to build my life out from scratch without him.
Because it's not just him I lost, so to speak. Yamato's... I love him, but it doesn't feel the same anymore, I feel I'm clinging to an illusion of him that time's swept away. But then again, it feels as though I've changed, because I'm the one who's made all these decisions, lately... I've not talked with Miya for ever since she and Hikari are trying to settle things between them. It's really sweet, actually. Girls are... so different from us it's amazing. Sometimes, I wish I was with one... and I wonder if things would turn out like they had with my parents, if it's in the genes? I still do like Catherine, though. I wonder what would have happened if I'd have worried a little less and just told her back then, but... I guess we'll never know.
Steve's come to Japan, though. He's settling in okay-ish... I think. He does seem a lot stressed and prudent about anything and everything and is blushing half the time I talk to him, but I hope he'll be okay. He is quite an encyclopedia, that's for sure, for what I managed to talk with him and he really loves his subject, his eyes just come alive when he talks about it... but is it sad to say his classes are nearly the only thing I'm now looking forward to?
I used to be everywhere, talking with everyone. I don't even feel myself lately.
Thing is, yesterday they had a party. Or so I think. I heard people and music in the background and... I didn't ask, I just called to wish him goodnight. Could be they arranged a welcome back party? But if so, why wasn't I told, I'd have helped prepare - I even prepared a little something for when he gets back anyway. I suppose the American chosen are tight-knit, but more often than not, it feels like I don't really belong there. Which is understandable - we were not that close buddies even before, but it's disturbing nonetheless because I feel I belong even less here.
It's been two weeks since dad's back home from surgery. Yamato's moved in with him again, of course, but when he's at work, I stay with him. He's doing good, tho doctors are pleased with the rate of his recovery, but it'll be some time till he's back in shape to go to work again. Mom's offered she'd take him to the hot-springs when he's well enough, though he's not said yet wither he'd want to go or not. I don't know how to feel about my family coming together again like this, I've given up hope on it a long time ago, and I'm not even sure what mom's thinking, but it would we nice if we all just went somewhere together, even if it meant pretending everything was fine again for a day.
I've not written here since Easter, have I? And that's... over Easter, Daisuke came by. Literally came by. I have no clue what he was doing in the park by my apartment complex. I was on my way to the store, and suddenly he was there. I didn't even know he'd be back in Japan. I was half in shock. He just talked so normally to me and I was responding likewise but... tears just streamed down my face at a point, out of nowhere. I haven't cried in a year probably. He didn't really comment, he acted as though he couldn't see it. But even if he couldn't, others could, so I took him to my apartment as an excuse. We had tea, we talked; it was all very... careful in a way. And when he left, it sunk in that he was not obliged to even be my friend, and that I've probably caused him more hurt than being with me was worth. Call it irrational, but it makes me wonder wither I'm any good or even able to build my life out from scratch without him.
Because it's not just him I lost, so to speak. Yamato's... I love him, but it doesn't feel the same anymore, I feel I'm clinging to an illusion of him that time's swept away. But then again, it feels as though I've changed, because I'm the one who's made all these decisions, lately... I've not talked with Miya for ever since she and Hikari are trying to settle things between them. It's really sweet, actually. Girls are... so different from us it's amazing. Sometimes, I wish I was with one... and I wonder if things would turn out like they had with my parents, if it's in the genes? I still do like Catherine, though. I wonder what would have happened if I'd have worried a little less and just told her back then, but... I guess we'll never know.
Steve's come to Japan, though. He's settling in okay-ish... I think. He does seem a lot stressed and prudent about anything and everything and is blushing half the time I talk to him, but I hope he'll be okay. He is quite an encyclopedia, that's for sure, for what I managed to talk with him and he really loves his subject, his eyes just come alive when he talks about it... but is it sad to say his classes are nearly the only thing I'm now looking forward to?
I used to be everywhere, talking with everyone. I don't even feel myself lately.