The best part of beLIEve is the lie.
I'm up early.
No...I'm up late. To be up early, I would have had to sleep.
I'm probably overreacting, but I can't control my insomnia.
For some reason I have the line from Weird Al's horoscope song that says: "All your friends are laughing behind you back....Kill them" stuck in my head. Then again, I have the music from Epinine's death stuck in my head, too. So I guess it doesn't mean much.
I know what will happen now. I can play it out.
There will be apologies and accusations towards me to soften me up. And make me feel bad. The accusations I'll believe. I'll feel like a horrible person. I already do. The apologies I will not. But, I'll pretend to. Eventually, I'll cave so that they'll shut up about it. But, inside it's all different.
I just can't deal with lies. I wish I could. No matter how unimportant and insignificant, I can't deal with lies.
And to me, this is not unimportant and this is not insignificant.
I'm not even angry. Not much. Just hurt. And not to the point that I will cry for days. Granted, I cried a little, but mostly I'm shocked. I can sit and stare thinking "How could I be so stupid to trust?"
Because everyone you ever trust will fail you. And that ONE person who you've always felt you can rely upon, who you run to when things are at their worst, in whom you confide your deepest secret, however humiliating...will abandon you for someone else.
This is worse than being used. I can't believe that I found out how I did. I can't believe I was expected to know.
Of course, I would expect me to know.
It's probably my fault.
I could die.
And I feel like everyone would go "Oh..yea. Oh well. Now back to things.." and not care. I know I know. I'm melodramatic. I feel so completely destroyed. Someone else took my place and I'm a ...I have no idea what I am. I'm rambling and babbling and I hate myself.
I'm not supposed to hate. I don't want to hate. But, I kind of want to sometimes.
I can't wait to leave this place and find someone new to make a wreck of me.
Thank God I have a stupid therapy session Monday. haha. I'm pathetic.
I can't believe it's almost 6 and I haven't slept a wink. I'll be awful tomorrow. And very difficult to deal with.
I'm completely numb but when I remember to feel again, I'll be hurt and angry. That's exactly what it's like....yes.
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.
~*M*~
No...I'm up late. To be up early, I would have had to sleep.
I'm probably overreacting, but I can't control my insomnia.
For some reason I have the line from Weird Al's horoscope song that says: "All your friends are laughing behind you back....Kill them" stuck in my head. Then again, I have the music from Epinine's death stuck in my head, too. So I guess it doesn't mean much.
I know what will happen now. I can play it out.
There will be apologies and accusations towards me to soften me up. And make me feel bad. The accusations I'll believe. I'll feel like a horrible person. I already do. The apologies I will not. But, I'll pretend to. Eventually, I'll cave so that they'll shut up about it. But, inside it's all different.
I just can't deal with lies. I wish I could. No matter how unimportant and insignificant, I can't deal with lies.
And to me, this is not unimportant and this is not insignificant.
I'm not even angry. Not much. Just hurt. And not to the point that I will cry for days. Granted, I cried a little, but mostly I'm shocked. I can sit and stare thinking "How could I be so stupid to trust?"
Because everyone you ever trust will fail you. And that ONE person who you've always felt you can rely upon, who you run to when things are at their worst, in whom you confide your deepest secret, however humiliating...will abandon you for someone else.
This is worse than being used. I can't believe that I found out how I did. I can't believe I was expected to know.
Of course, I would expect me to know.
It's probably my fault.
I could die.
And I feel like everyone would go "Oh..yea. Oh well. Now back to things.." and not care. I know I know. I'm melodramatic. I feel so completely destroyed. Someone else took my place and I'm a ...I have no idea what I am. I'm rambling and babbling and I hate myself.
I'm not supposed to hate. I don't want to hate. But, I kind of want to sometimes.
I can't wait to leave this place and find someone new to make a wreck of me.
Thank God I have a stupid therapy session Monday. haha. I'm pathetic.
I can't believe it's almost 6 and I haven't slept a wink. I'll be awful tomorrow. And very difficult to deal with.
I'm completely numb but when I remember to feel again, I'll be hurt and angry. That's exactly what it's like....yes.
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.
~*M*~