Alone...

[wicked_xand]

Anya and I had stayed away for a few days. Not from each other. God no. That would give her notice that something is wrong. But we stayed away from the gang. We all knew now what Buffy was dealing with. She had been in heaven and Willow, Anya, Tara and I ripped her out of there with our spell not even thinking that maybe since she had been a slayer

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[wicked_xand]

She paused for a minute or two obviously contemplating my request. It was understandable. We hadn't really gotten together for coffee or rather for anything in a long while. And personally I had thought this was overdue. I leaned into the phone while glancing through the classifieds. No particular reason of course. I had a nice job as a construction worker moving on up the ladder.

She finally said she was okay and then paused again. The universal sign for 'but I'm actually not okay.' But I let that go of course because this was about sharing not accusing. "Uhh, how about the Espresso Pump. Coffee and talk." Because those things have always gone best together with me. Okay, I've never been a coffee person but for Buffy I'd become one. Plus, it's neutral territory between us. No Dawn, or Anya in earshot unless they randomly need a coffee fix of which I hope they don't.

So here I go. Hang with Buff for the first time really in about three years. The last time I guess I actually hung out with her was about four years ago when I was dating Cordelia and we hung out virtually everywhere because Willow was student-teaching. I wished we'd have that authenticity and that same feeling. But nothing would really feel the same. Could we be blamed for it. We were older, darker and a little bit bleaker. We said our goodbyes and I hung up my phone glancing at the clock. Wow, meet Buff in an hour for coffee.

I needed a shower.

[slayer__buffy]

I was sort of stretched out like on the couch talking to Xander on the phone. Which was kind of weird only because he usually was always around that there as no need for phone usage. But since all of this happened, alot of things have changed most, well ok all of them for the bad. But I really didn't want them to know that.

They already knew alot without me continuing to pour my feelings all over them. I didn't even think they cared. And I know all of them are just trying to help. But it's hard and being sorry isn't going to make it all go away. I just need time and most of that time probably will be alone. I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

I layed my head back on the couch listening to Xander. I knew what this was all about. I knew he wanted to talk for a reason and that reason? To talk about what happened. Which I'm so not in the mood to talk about. Because it seems like it's just the same thing everytime. 'Buffy we didn't know, we're sorry.' Everybody's sorry but they aren't going through this. If they only knew how it felt and how it is feeling right now. I feel like I'm in hell but they already knew that thanks to my nice little song.

And that was an nightmare too. Everyone's feelings and secrets poured out uncontrollably in songs. Not exactly a happy musical number. Nope it was full of sadness and angst. Which is how it still is right now. "Sounds good. I'll meet you there in about an hour. Bye." I said after waiting for his goodbye and then hung up the phone. It was time to be miss everything is ok even though it's not.

I was pretty much all ready, ready. I grabbed my leather jacket and threw it on. I watched some tv for a little while and once an hour had Passed I made my way out the door and to the Expresso Pump. Caffeine is of the good right now.

[wicked_xand]

I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off making sure when I put clothes on that i wouldn't feel uncomfortabally wet afterwards. I pulled on a pair of underwear and then socks and finally jeans and a shirt.

I grabbed up my brown jacket last and sat on my couch for the remaining half hour. I flipped on Passions and watched as Sheridan and Luis kissed for maybe the millionth time. And then Theresa in her troubles with Bermuda and Ethan. Poor Theresa.

I shook my head and turned the t.v. off. Checking the answering machine quickly I then headed out into the open air. I don't know why I took my car, I guess because walking would take too much energy.

I don't know. But nevertheless the car halted to a stop down the block from the espresso pump. I looked out my window contemplating why I was actually hear.

I glanced out my car window and spotted Buffy sitting and sipping a cup of coffee and looking at the other cup of coffee in front of her, which was meant for me.

I took a breath and stepped out my car, closing it and locking it and walked into the establishment. Buffy hadn't seen me, still in the coffee trance as I walked up behind her. "Hey." I said tapping her on the shoulder.

[slayer__buffy]

After walking out my front doors, I sighed as I made my way towards the Expresso Pump. It wasn't that far of a walk. Everything in Sunnydale was pretty much a quick like walk. Eh, it's the boringness of Sunnydale. I got to the Expresso Pump and walked inside. I ordered up a hazelnut coffee and ordered Xander's favorite coffee. I took them to a table placing his across from me and slowly sipping mine.

I wasn't really sure on how this was all going to go. I mean sure we could talk about simple things that didn't matter but we both know what this is all about.I know he wants to talk about the thing I really don't want to talk about. This was going to be hard and much with the heartache. I hadn't really listened to what my friends really felt. All I listened to was the fact that they didn't know and they were sorry. I tuned the rest out not wanting to hear it.

But I had good reason right? I mean what I'm going through is different than anything I have ever felt before. I was suffering more now than ever. Being brought back the first time was nothing seeing as how I was only dead for like a second, but being brought back twice? Not something I had planned on doing in my slaying career. I looked at my watch waiting for him. Maybe this was a set up. Maybe they did this because of the way I've been acting. I just wish they could really understand what it's like. Then they wouldn't be so harsh.

I was about to get up and leave with a disgusted sigh when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around I saw Xander and gave him the world's most pathetic half smile. "Hey." I said. "Wasn't sure you were going to show. And I got your favorite caffeinated coffee like drink."

[wicked_xand]

She indicated my coffee as I hugged her and we both shared fake smiles. I moved around her into the chair and took up my coffee, sipping it. French Vanilla. Mmm. I smiled at her again, sort of forced this time though and finally started ... something.

"I'm not happy."

Well, that was easier then I thought. But the moment the words came out I knew it was true. I hadn't even know what compulsed me to say that. But it couldn'tve meant anything, right? I mean, plenty of people joke about their unhappiness.

It looked like I caught Buffy by surprise as I sipped my vanilla that is french. I took into account my life at this point in time, this second. Here I was, Xander Lavelle Harris drinking coffee across from my equally unhappy best friend in the smallest town in California where we only have one starbucks which noone goes too.

What a glamorous life. "I am Buffy. I have been for a while now." That's it. Lay down the law Harris. Just get it all out. It's good for you. At least that's what people had told me.

[summers__buffy]

I slowly sipped my coffee. Something was telling me that our small yet noticeable conversation was going to be uncomfortable. Call it my slayer sense. Well that's if I even have it anymore after dying again. Sometimes I wonder about that. I mean when a slayer dies a new one is chosen.

Well I died and was brought back with the whole slayer package still intact, but no new slayer was called. I mean I knew Faith was still alive, but still, a slayer did die. Unless it's because I'm dead to the world. Which is the way I feel and it's probably a mutual feeling with my friends.

I put my cup down and looked over at Xander solemn face in all, when he said he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy? Join the club. I've been unhappy all my life. I know there have been good times in my life and I did want to be alive. But there were times even before I died again that I was unhappy.

Only I think now it's a rating of off the scale unhappiness. And now it was all in the open. Which is the reason for this. As much as it pained me to face my friends, they didn't seem to want to stop. I know they are just trying to help but they don't understand and they never will.

This was all awkward in the sense that leaving was my best option here. But I needed to stay for Xander. He needed me, I just wasn't sure if I was here to tend to his needs. Things are complicated and they will be for awhile. "Look Xander, I'm sorry, but maybe we shouldn't do this."

I wasn't trying to shrug him off, I just, I just couldn't deal with this on top of everything else in my life. "Not now anyway. Things are just different right now." There was more to that word right now then he would ever know.

I know what alone time does to me, but in a time like this maybe it was best. Another part of me was screaming for no alone time, but the only person I could be around right now is Angel. Only that's a way out there plan.

[wicked_xand]

This was the most uncomfortable conversation I had had in a long time and with one of my best friends no less. I guess when you tell your friend your current relationship isn't working out it's not as good of a conversation piece as it could be. Not really. It never could be I guess. It only led to awkwardness and this. Carefully timed sips of coffee and denying that there's a problem.

"When are we going to talk about it Buffy? I mean you have to be at the Magic Box in half an hour. I ahve to be with Anya in half an hour. If we don't talk now then we never will. Besides, we both know the one thing were not talking about."

Somehow the assertive bitter part of me had come out and maybe had scared her. Her face immediately changed to one of foreboding and a little bit of hope that we were thinking different things. But we never did, that's why we were called best friends. But we both were talking about the same thing except, not talking about it.

"You were in heaven Buffy. Anya, Tara, Willow and I took you out of it."

We sang, we danced we had a merry good time and then we found out that. What joys a song can bring. I was going to wait. That's what I was good at anyway. That spur of the moment control? Gone. Just as it had appeared. Fleeting control, that's what I was about.

There was nothing more I could say. It was her turn. Her turn to say something, to be honest and really mean something and not just tell us she was okay because in the end...nobody is ok. That's life and I can accept that but does she?