Thought I would write my autobioghrahpy, turns out I lack the patience.
I keep starting to write a journal entry... and it just never happens. I have been reading a book on how to change bad habits (I am literally drawning in them, and I dont like to think of myself as a passive person, so I am trying to do something about it) and I have found out that I am the perverse kind of perfectionist that cannot bare life to be anything but perfect so in an effort to not fail, I do nothing. I do that well. (I have impossibly high standards sometimes. there is a certain way to do things right, and dammit they should be done that way or no way at all). I am scared of failing. I have only said I cant once in my life, and from that moment on did nothing (I was 16, that is a long time a go, its time for a change). Pathetic. I dont know how to change, knowing what kind of person you want to be does not mean you know how to be that person.
But stiill I am in better spirits than I have been. (my family has infurated me, belittled me, and generally made me feel like shutting them away from me). It could be a false sense of hope, but I would like to think not. I have many epiphanies, so perhaps I dont think them so special, and discard them like so much used toilet paper. Anyway I have realized that I live in a dream world, and may ideas about reality could not be further from the truth. As much as a dream world may sound nice, I have discovered I like reality- with all its pain too (well maybe not all, hey who actually likes pain for the sake of pain? i say this thinking of a light spanking from a sexy someone). So I have been real with myself, which is refreshing, but difficult, it gets harder to lie to myself about the state my life is in. I am failing in school. I do not love the people in my life the way they should be loved, and I have let bad things happen to myself, entirely my own fault on most counts. I lied to myself about the situation of my life in the past which allowed me to avoid the cold hard truth about the mess I have made of my life,that has only grown bigger. I cannot do it anymore, this is not the life I want and somewhere I have to find the courage to change. Its my life, I get one shot, saddly I dont believe in reincarnation, or I would procrastinate change to my next lifetime, or maybe the next two... I dont want to stress myself :-). A complete overhaul of my most basic habits must be undertaken. Thankfully/cursedly I have been born with an optimism that is well- optimistic in its size (metaphors are my forte- seriously). Unforunately optimism is not courage, or strengh and it can easily turn on me, so that I once again rationalize the situaton and trick myself into thinking that everything is okay.
I will do a little at a time with my journals- I have the attention span of sperm, and so already this is a violent stretch of my concentration, which is in direct conflict of my desire to get my life and thought down in one journal entry. Another problem I must conquer; I live with dualities and contradictions, something exhausting to any mind. I must pick what I want, instead of wanting it all (can I not want it all? I think I can have it) or at least find a middle ground.
p.s. I was looking at personals, and I even went to eharmony.com and filled out the questionnaire, I didnt finish though it took to long and it became glaringly obvious that I am ill prepared for a relationship, it would be a disaster if I had one, and I cannot afford an emotional ordeal in my current state. I am now shopping gay.com to for someone to screw, or at least someone to put on lay away when I have raging fits of horniness that my vibrator cannot fix. Have decided to call you Addy. Its not childish/uncool to name you. So there.