(no subject)
There was a story on the news about honey's healing powers...apparently it's really good at helping stuff like cuts heal faster and cleaner. I wonder, if I swallowed a spoonful or two, if it would make my heart stop breaking.
I asked my mom and she said no.
: |
It's so hard to keep Josh Lee out of my mind...I pray every night that I can see him in one of my dreams and talk to him one more time, and tell him how sorry I am, and let him know that I still care, and ask him why he did what he did, and also ask where he's at now. I want so badly to believe that he's safe, happy, and has found comfort in the arms of the Lord. But suicide...is like giving up on both yourself and God...it's saying to the person who created the universe "You can't help me now." Can God forgive that? What in the world could be so terrible to make anyone, particularly someone as devoted to God as he was (or seemed to be), reach that point of hopelessness?
At last night's Easter Vigil Mass, Father Martin began his homily talking about hope. I don't even remember exactly what he said about it, but it made me cry. I just closed my eyes so I couldn't see the hundreds of people in that huge church and just let the tears fall. No one said anything to me. Thank goodness, because I didn't want to explain. I'm so tired of explaining. I remember it made me think about what I need to do in MY life. I need to keep breathing. Keep walking. Keep learning. Keep loving. Keep living. I need to keep going from where Josh left off.
I don't have any pictures of him other than the one on the Leesburg Volunteer Fire Company website. Not one of my Europe pictures has him...us...in it.
I wish I had made things right.
I have to accept that he's gone. And that there is probably nothing I could have ever done to help him.
Don't ANY of you ever think that suicide is an option. It doesn't matter whether or not you believe in God or in life after death. It never gets that bad. All you have to do is think...who would find you? How do you think they would feel? Do you have ANY idea the number of lives it would touch? Me, I'm just some ex-girlfriend from ages ago who broke up with him after four days and [sadly] didn't want to ever keep in touch. And it's still made me a mess. I cannot even imagine how his family must have felt when they found out...how they still feel today. And will until THEY die. Even if your pain stops, theirs will be unimaginable forever.
I need to go pack. I'm going back to Greenville...very soon.
I asked my mom and she said no.
: |
It's so hard to keep Josh Lee out of my mind...I pray every night that I can see him in one of my dreams and talk to him one more time, and tell him how sorry I am, and let him know that I still care, and ask him why he did what he did, and also ask where he's at now. I want so badly to believe that he's safe, happy, and has found comfort in the arms of the Lord. But suicide...is like giving up on both yourself and God...it's saying to the person who created the universe "You can't help me now." Can God forgive that? What in the world could be so terrible to make anyone, particularly someone as devoted to God as he was (or seemed to be), reach that point of hopelessness?
At last night's Easter Vigil Mass, Father Martin began his homily talking about hope. I don't even remember exactly what he said about it, but it made me cry. I just closed my eyes so I couldn't see the hundreds of people in that huge church and just let the tears fall. No one said anything to me. Thank goodness, because I didn't want to explain. I'm so tired of explaining. I remember it made me think about what I need to do in MY life. I need to keep breathing. Keep walking. Keep learning. Keep loving. Keep living. I need to keep going from where Josh left off.
I don't have any pictures of him other than the one on the Leesburg Volunteer Fire Company website. Not one of my Europe pictures has him...us...in it.
I wish I had made things right.
I have to accept that he's gone. And that there is probably nothing I could have ever done to help him.
Don't ANY of you ever think that suicide is an option. It doesn't matter whether or not you believe in God or in life after death. It never gets that bad. All you have to do is think...who would find you? How do you think they would feel? Do you have ANY idea the number of lives it would touch? Me, I'm just some ex-girlfriend from ages ago who broke up with him after four days and [sadly] didn't want to ever keep in touch. And it's still made me a mess. I cannot even imagine how his family must have felt when they found out...how they still feel today. And will until THEY die. Even if your pain stops, theirs will be unimaginable forever.
I need to go pack. I'm going back to Greenville...very soon.