× *sneeze!* ×
It's hard to be happy for someone when you feel like they've turned their back on you...
and when you feel that they are being slightly shady in their motives with you.
It's painful to keep up a front that you're so psyched and happy... when inside you feel like everything is falling apart right in front of your eyes.
I'm fairly certain that it's most dishonorable to be lip-locked with one and thinking of another.
And worse yet... to not feel bad for it... and not regret it.
I'm not sure what my brain is doing lately. I'm certain that it has it's own opinion of what is best for the well being of my heart... and I'm certain that I both agree and disagree. I agree with my crazy brain for giving me the common sense to get out of that situation emotionally. (A feat I am still struggling with) But I don't agree with my crazy brain for trying to fill in the gaps in my life with whatever it can find. People, games, cigarettes, food... whatever. A lot of the holes in my life have been filled with a thick smoke lately. That smoke brings me a sense that everything is okay... I laugh and I joke and I forget for a few hours all the stupid shit that I know I shouldn't feel, but do. A little part of me always screams from the back of my brain that this is not how I should deal... but those screams get muffled and lost in the smoke and I hear very little from them anymore.
Meh. Things will get better when I can feel better about myself. That will happen when I find a job and move the hell out. Then I'll have something to be proud of and I'll be okay. Until then I will have to get along the way I am now, I suppose. That's okay... because I'm working toward my future. Meep.
*pat pat on the head* Things are okay..........
and when you feel that they are being slightly shady in their motives with you.
It's painful to keep up a front that you're so psyched and happy... when inside you feel like everything is falling apart right in front of your eyes.
I'm fairly certain that it's most dishonorable to be lip-locked with one and thinking of another.
And worse yet... to not feel bad for it... and not regret it.
I'm not sure what my brain is doing lately. I'm certain that it has it's own opinion of what is best for the well being of my heart... and I'm certain that I both agree and disagree. I agree with my crazy brain for giving me the common sense to get out of that situation emotionally. (A feat I am still struggling with) But I don't agree with my crazy brain for trying to fill in the gaps in my life with whatever it can find. People, games, cigarettes, food... whatever. A lot of the holes in my life have been filled with a thick smoke lately. That smoke brings me a sense that everything is okay... I laugh and I joke and I forget for a few hours all the stupid shit that I know I shouldn't feel, but do. A little part of me always screams from the back of my brain that this is not how I should deal... but those screams get muffled and lost in the smoke and I hear very little from them anymore.
Meh. Things will get better when I can feel better about myself. That will happen when I find a job and move the hell out. Then I'll have something to be proud of and I'll be okay. Until then I will have to get along the way I am now, I suppose. That's okay... because I'm working toward my future. Meep.
*pat pat on the head* Things are okay..........