(no subject)
what am i living for?
no really.. i mean it.
i dont have a single thing to be proud of.
ya so i have A's and B's in school.
so fucking what.
so does everyone else with a higher GPA than me.
and to be more precise
everyone with a 3.0 or higher.
ya im like # 320 somethin in my fuckin class.
that would make me..
a DUMBASS.
i choose to hold on to a guy that constantly makes me feel like im nothing.
i choose to hold on because im holding on to the way he was two years ago.
and for some reason, my stupid ass cant let go.
* he hates almost all of my friends.
* he doesnt let me wear makeup.
* he gets angry if i stay after and workout after work with kelley and marissa.
(he thinks we're oogling guys. oh but guess what.. all that comes into my gym are old men. STRIKE ONE.)
* he hates my mother with the biggest passion.
* he's letting me know right now that im getting fat..or fatter.. i cant decide which one he's aiming at.
* no matter how many times i say im sorry for the past, he will NOT let it go.
* i pay for every bit of food we eat together. guess what.. i dont have a choice.
* anytime we go anywhere, im driving. i dont have a choice on that one either.
* if i dont make sure i call him on time or the time he tells me to, to wake him up before work, just out of immature revenge, he wont call me in the morning to wake me up for school. (we fought about this one last night.)
* no matter what we fight about, it's always my fault.
im just so sick and tired of high school drama, and stupid bullshit drama from someone who i love so much but he just hates my guts.. he really does and that's one of the main things that makes me cry all the time. im so unhappy right now, i really am. there's nothing i can do about it. BINGE? yeah right.. im fat enough. CRY? i cant anymore because im so sick right now that when i cried last night i dried up all the moisture from my nose, ending up with a nosebleed at 4am. CUT MYSELF? i'd like to. but im not home alone. plus i'd have someone yell at me like last time and make things even worse.
i really just want to step back and step away from everything in my life and start over. i want to be left alone.. but then again i dont. because i dont really know what might happen if im left alone.
i dont know what to do with anything anymore.