I have no fucking clue anymore

[0lovemetender0]

I love Alicia to fucking death I would do anything for that girl. Everytime I see her I start crying and it fucking sucks. It hurts so much to be able to sit there and hold her and kiss her but not have her. It's killing me or maybe it's just myself doing it?. She's still in love with Mel which sucks really bad I so cryed when she told me ugh!. I knew it was what she was going to say and the whole time while she got up the nerve to tell me I kept thiking it was my fault. Me and Alicia were perfect together seriously everything was great until like the last week of our relationship because she was all into Mel and hung out with her more then me and I guess I'm the jealous type?. I left her because I was afraid of getting hurt I didn't want her to hurt me so I figured if I got out then I wouldn't have to look back. See the only problem was that by the time I got out I was already in love with her. Which is serously weird because we only dated for a month. Even though it was like totally last year I remember every little thing every word spoken everything we did togeter and it suck because I dont have her anymore. Who know's if I ever will again see says she love's me but I dont know what to say. I mean she's in love with Mel and nothing will happen as long as she is. Seriously I could have anyone and yet all I want is her. Since the day I left her I wanted her back and it's been killing me. I dont know what I'm supposed to do really she the only one I really want to be with. Do I just say fuck it I'm not going to get hurt and run away like last time? Or do I just sit there dieing hoping one day she will come back to me. I really dont want to hurt anymore I think I have been threw enough of that to last me a fucking lifetime. Ashley said something to me today "How much you want to bet I can get her before you can." That so scares me because part of me rally believe's it even though Ashley is a total fuck up and Alicia deserves so much better then that. I dont know anymore I'm just so done hurting I talked to my dad about moving the other day and he's seriously considering it weither or not it will happen who knows. He said that he wants me to be able to be happy with out doing something to make me that way he said "I want my daughter back." Which so made me start thinking about me and the way I have changed. Like my attitude torwards life has totally changed I used to love my life and everything around me now I hate it. The only thing I have ever found that has ever been able to make me happy is animlas which would so explain the zoo I have. You dont know how many times I have just thought about cutting myself off from the world and never talking to anyone ever. To be totally honest with you I would be so happy as long as I had animals I would be perfectly fine. I could got into hibernation if I wanted to really could and the sad thing is most of me wants to right now. I loved it in the institution because I never had to worrie about anything or anyone all I had to do is worrie about when I was going to eat. Which I loved explaining the reason why I begged my mom to let me stay longer. I think after this week if things dont start changeing I'm going to stop talking to everyone and see what happens. So I guess this one week coming up decides my social life. haha. But yeah anyways I think I have said like way to much and even more so I'm gonna go.

Trying to staighten my life out so I can be me again.

LL