And Smile as you Die
Okay, I wrote this for mywheezy who wanted Greg to have a crush on Nick, but Nick only wanting to be friends. She said she wanted Greg to suffer. It's pure angst and I don't plan on putting it anywhere else.
And Smile as you Die
0creativity
PG13
I don't own anything.
“So, I was wondering... if you’re not doing anything this weekend...”
Jenna looks up from her math textbook and offers Greg a sad excuse for a smile. He doesn’t miss the pity in her eyes. He doesn’t even bother waiting for an answer. Instead, he plasters on his own fake smile and says “You know what? Forget I even asked. I uh... I should probably spend the weekend studying, you know? With finals next week and all...”
He gathers up his books, stuffs them into his bag, and quickly walks out of the library. He keeps bumping into people as he makes his way back to his dorm room, but he barely even notices it. He’s too busy mentally scolding himself for being such an idiot. Rejection. He’s so used to it by now that he wonders why it still bothers him when he receives it.
~
“I’m going to ask him out tonight.”
Alison laughs. “What?”
“I’m going to ask him out tonight,” he repeats.
“Jason?”
“Yeah, Jason. We’d make a pretty good couple, don’t you think?”
“Well, yeah, I guess, but...”
“But what?”
“I always thought he had a thing for Mark.”
Greg rolls his eyes. “Who in their right mind would choose Mark over me?”
“Greggo, look. You’re a good guy, you really are, and believe me, you deserve someone, but I just don’t think Jason is your best bet.”
“Yeah? And who is?”
She fights back the urge to say “Me, you idiot!” and settles for shrugging instead. “I don’t know. I just know it isn’t Jason.”
“Well, what’s the worst that could happen? He’ll say no? I’ve faced rejection enough. I’m pretty sure I know how to deal with it.”
Alison looks down at her feet for a minute before speaking. “The worst that could happen,” she says as her eyes meet his, “is that he’ll say yes.”
He doesn’t get a chance to see if that’s true or not, though. He doesn’t even get a chance to ask Jason out.
“Did you know he was into drugs?” Greg asks Alison at his funeral. She dabs at her eyes with a kleenex and shakes her head no. Greg stares straight ahead, his mind not able to comprehend that not only is his best friend dead, but that maybe Greg didn’t know him as well as he thought he did.
The funeral is nice and short. What is there to say, really, about someone who gets their brains blown out in a drug deal gone wrong? Before that day, before Jason was knocked off the pedestal Greg had placed him on, before Jason became just another regular human being with faults and secrets and problems like the rest of them, Greg could have thought of a million things to say about him.
Now he doesn’t want to think at all.
After the funeral, they’re all standing around and Mark wanders over. As soon as Greg glances at him, he realizes he’s probably hopped up on something. His eyes are bloodshot and he can’t seem to stand still. They all make small talk, but Greg isn’t really paying attention. He’s too busy wondering if Mark is the one who turned Jason on to drugs. It’s easier to believe that, easier to believe that Jason wasn’t solely responsible for the fucked up decisions he made.
“He asked me out right before it happened, you know.” Mark’s words cause Greg to come crashing back to Earth. Surely he heard wrong, but Alison asks Mark to explain, and he does, and Greg isn’t even afforded the luxury of being able to deny it for more than a few seconds.
Greg feels as if he’s just been stabbed and he wonders if Mark knows that with each word he utters the knife feels as if it is twisted deeper and deeper into his heart. And as Mark finishes talking, Greg swears he can feel the tip of the knife sticking out of his back. He’s sure that if he looks down, he’ll see his blood dripping down his shirt and pooling at his feet. And just as he’s sure that he can’t possibly feel any worse, he realizes with a sudden start that the last thing Jason thought of when he died wasn’t him. It wasn’t dependable, loving, caring, best friend Greg. No, the last thing Jason thought of was his new cokehead boyfriend.
Everyone’s staring at him now, looking at him as if he really does have a knife sticking out of his chest and a pool of blood at his feet. He offers them a shaky smile, says he’ll be okay, and heads out to his car.
~
Nick Stokes lets out a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. He looks up from his plate and sees Greg nervously twisting a napkin in his hand, looks further up and when he sees Greg’s anxious expression, he wishes he wouldn’t have because now it will be so much harder.
“Greg, I... What I am to you... It’s not what you mean to me, okay?”
Greg immediately stops twisting the napkin. The expression on his face switches from anxious to hurt and defeated and the light behind his eyes goes out. “Oh.”
“I just... you really are a great guy, Greg. But you’re my friend, and I think... I think if we tried to take it any further than that, we’d both just end up regretting it.”
“You never know until you try, though, right?” Greg asks meekly. He refuses to meet Nick’s eyes. He doesn’t need to see the pity. He doesn’t need to watch as Nick carefully considers his words, trying his hardest not to hurt Greg. Even when he’s breaking hearts, Nick is the perfect gentleman.
“Greg, I... It’s just... work, and... maybe, you know... a different time, a different place...”
“Maybe if I was a different person, you mean.”
“Greg...”
“I’m begging you, Nick. Just give me a chance, please? No one else ever has, and I really think... I really think we could have something, if you’d just give me a chance.”
“Don’t.” Nick’s tone is firm, now. “Don’t throw yourself in front of me like this. You’re better than that.”
“Not good enough, apparently.”
“I just don’t feel like that about you, Greg. I’m sorry, I really am. If I could make myself feel that way, don’t you think I would? Or do you think I enjoy hurting you like this?”
An uncomfortable silence hangs over them. Greg is still avoiding Nick’s eyes, but Nick is watching him intently. The waitress brings them their bill, and Nick reaches into his pocket for his wallet.
“Look,” he says as he counts out the money, “one day you are going to find someone, and they’re going to be extremely lucky. And yeah, I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I can’t have that. What you’re offering... it’s incredible, G, but it’s not what I need. I don’t... You don’t need me. And someday, you’ll figure that out.”
Greg is playing with his napkin again. “You don’t need...?”
“I don’t need you as anything other than a friend. Please tell me this isn’t going to ruin our friendship. You’re the best friend I have, G, and I really do care about you. I hate that I’m doing this to you, but I’d hate it more if I lied to you and strung you along. So please, can we still be friends?”
So Greg does what he always does. He looks Nick straight in the eyes, says “Sure, Nicky. Friends,” and smiles as he dies.
And Smile as you Die
0creativity
PG13
I don't own anything.
“So, I was wondering... if you’re not doing anything this weekend...”
Jenna looks up from her math textbook and offers Greg a sad excuse for a smile. He doesn’t miss the pity in her eyes. He doesn’t even bother waiting for an answer. Instead, he plasters on his own fake smile and says “You know what? Forget I even asked. I uh... I should probably spend the weekend studying, you know? With finals next week and all...”
He gathers up his books, stuffs them into his bag, and quickly walks out of the library. He keeps bumping into people as he makes his way back to his dorm room, but he barely even notices it. He’s too busy mentally scolding himself for being such an idiot. Rejection. He’s so used to it by now that he wonders why it still bothers him when he receives it.
~
“I’m going to ask him out tonight.”
Alison laughs. “What?”
“I’m going to ask him out tonight,” he repeats.
“Jason?”
“Yeah, Jason. We’d make a pretty good couple, don’t you think?”
“Well, yeah, I guess, but...”
“But what?”
“I always thought he had a thing for Mark.”
Greg rolls his eyes. “Who in their right mind would choose Mark over me?”
“Greggo, look. You’re a good guy, you really are, and believe me, you deserve someone, but I just don’t think Jason is your best bet.”
“Yeah? And who is?”
She fights back the urge to say “Me, you idiot!” and settles for shrugging instead. “I don’t know. I just know it isn’t Jason.”
“Well, what’s the worst that could happen? He’ll say no? I’ve faced rejection enough. I’m pretty sure I know how to deal with it.”
Alison looks down at her feet for a minute before speaking. “The worst that could happen,” she says as her eyes meet his, “is that he’ll say yes.”
He doesn’t get a chance to see if that’s true or not, though. He doesn’t even get a chance to ask Jason out.
“Did you know he was into drugs?” Greg asks Alison at his funeral. She dabs at her eyes with a kleenex and shakes her head no. Greg stares straight ahead, his mind not able to comprehend that not only is his best friend dead, but that maybe Greg didn’t know him as well as he thought he did.
The funeral is nice and short. What is there to say, really, about someone who gets their brains blown out in a drug deal gone wrong? Before that day, before Jason was knocked off the pedestal Greg had placed him on, before Jason became just another regular human being with faults and secrets and problems like the rest of them, Greg could have thought of a million things to say about him.
Now he doesn’t want to think at all.
After the funeral, they’re all standing around and Mark wanders over. As soon as Greg glances at him, he realizes he’s probably hopped up on something. His eyes are bloodshot and he can’t seem to stand still. They all make small talk, but Greg isn’t really paying attention. He’s too busy wondering if Mark is the one who turned Jason on to drugs. It’s easier to believe that, easier to believe that Jason wasn’t solely responsible for the fucked up decisions he made.
“He asked me out right before it happened, you know.” Mark’s words cause Greg to come crashing back to Earth. Surely he heard wrong, but Alison asks Mark to explain, and he does, and Greg isn’t even afforded the luxury of being able to deny it for more than a few seconds.
Greg feels as if he’s just been stabbed and he wonders if Mark knows that with each word he utters the knife feels as if it is twisted deeper and deeper into his heart. And as Mark finishes talking, Greg swears he can feel the tip of the knife sticking out of his back. He’s sure that if he looks down, he’ll see his blood dripping down his shirt and pooling at his feet. And just as he’s sure that he can’t possibly feel any worse, he realizes with a sudden start that the last thing Jason thought of when he died wasn’t him. It wasn’t dependable, loving, caring, best friend Greg. No, the last thing Jason thought of was his new cokehead boyfriend.
Everyone’s staring at him now, looking at him as if he really does have a knife sticking out of his chest and a pool of blood at his feet. He offers them a shaky smile, says he’ll be okay, and heads out to his car.
~
Nick Stokes lets out a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. He looks up from his plate and sees Greg nervously twisting a napkin in his hand, looks further up and when he sees Greg’s anxious expression, he wishes he wouldn’t have because now it will be so much harder.
“Greg, I... What I am to you... It’s not what you mean to me, okay?”
Greg immediately stops twisting the napkin. The expression on his face switches from anxious to hurt and defeated and the light behind his eyes goes out. “Oh.”
“I just... you really are a great guy, Greg. But you’re my friend, and I think... I think if we tried to take it any further than that, we’d both just end up regretting it.”
“You never know until you try, though, right?” Greg asks meekly. He refuses to meet Nick’s eyes. He doesn’t need to see the pity. He doesn’t need to watch as Nick carefully considers his words, trying his hardest not to hurt Greg. Even when he’s breaking hearts, Nick is the perfect gentleman.
“Greg, I... It’s just... work, and... maybe, you know... a different time, a different place...”
“Maybe if I was a different person, you mean.”
“Greg...”
“I’m begging you, Nick. Just give me a chance, please? No one else ever has, and I really think... I really think we could have something, if you’d just give me a chance.”
“Don’t.” Nick’s tone is firm, now. “Don’t throw yourself in front of me like this. You’re better than that.”
“Not good enough, apparently.”
“I just don’t feel like that about you, Greg. I’m sorry, I really am. If I could make myself feel that way, don’t you think I would? Or do you think I enjoy hurting you like this?”
An uncomfortable silence hangs over them. Greg is still avoiding Nick’s eyes, but Nick is watching him intently. The waitress brings them their bill, and Nick reaches into his pocket for his wallet.
“Look,” he says as he counts out the money, “one day you are going to find someone, and they’re going to be extremely lucky. And yeah, I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I can’t have that. What you’re offering... it’s incredible, G, but it’s not what I need. I don’t... You don’t need me. And someday, you’ll figure that out.”
Greg is playing with his napkin again. “You don’t need...?”
“I don’t need you as anything other than a friend. Please tell me this isn’t going to ruin our friendship. You’re the best friend I have, G, and I really do care about you. I hate that I’m doing this to you, but I’d hate it more if I lied to you and strung you along. So please, can we still be friends?”
So Greg does what he always does. He looks Nick straight in the eyes, says “Sure, Nicky. Friends,” and smiles as he dies.