(no subject)
I once believed that i was as independent as i said. i gave off this air of self-sufficiency that was so believable i even managed to convince myself that i could make it on my own. but really, i'm incredibly naïve. i don't know what i'm doing, i’m more inexperienced than you could ever imagine. and yet, i'll push you away, say i don’t want your help. but i need it. i need people to take care of me and that’s what i'm so scared of. i cant let myself be dependent on anyone. i'll get hurt. i'll be vulnerable. i hate nothing more than vulnerability, it makes you weak and uncontrolled, so i continue with my defense mechanisms, never letting anyone get too close. but it really comes down to the fact that i just want someone to fix me. to see straight through and still smile up at me. someone who will hold me, whispering that they still need me despite all my imperfections, that they love me because i am hopelessly flawed.
i don't think that love is really the best option, for right now at least. or a few years from now. sadly, i am perfectly content [aha, wait what's that] with lorazepam and cigarettes for the time being.
i don't think that love is really the best option, for right now at least. or a few years from now. sadly, i am perfectly content [aha, wait what's that] with lorazepam and cigarettes for the time being.