(no subject)
yesterday i was glad to be home.
today i woke up and i wasn't in my room. (i was, just not my room in Mexico)
i looked around and i think it killed me.
my sister (mexican one) wasn't asleep the the next bed. the window wasn't open. there wasn't a palm tree with it's leaves inside your room. there weren't mountains in the distance.
it wasn't right.
i've never missed anything more than this. never.
i didn't walk out of my room and witness my brother cooking breakfast in just boxers.
he didn't swat me with the overly large wooden spoon.
i didn't eat frosted flakes with chocolate milk.
i didn't go and have hilarious conversations with some of the best teachers in the world.
and tonight i won't get dressed up, i won't get pretty, i won't wear my hair down.
i won't go out, i won't go be beautiful, i won't have men buy me drinks, i won't go dance, i won't go stay up all night and in the morning not feel tired, i won't.
i won't have the life that i love. the life i have yet to tire of. the life no one tires of. it just won't be.
and i can't stand thinking about it.
i can't stand thinking about how alive i felt, how wonderful it was to finally be happy to be alive. i just, i don't know,
i guess to took a day for me to miss it. Mexico i mean.
it was just one of those places where i felt like i belonged.
today i woke up and i wasn't in my room. (i was, just not my room in Mexico)
i looked around and i think it killed me.
my sister (mexican one) wasn't asleep the the next bed. the window wasn't open. there wasn't a palm tree with it's leaves inside your room. there weren't mountains in the distance.
it wasn't right.
i've never missed anything more than this. never.
i didn't walk out of my room and witness my brother cooking breakfast in just boxers.
he didn't swat me with the overly large wooden spoon.
i didn't eat frosted flakes with chocolate milk.
i didn't go and have hilarious conversations with some of the best teachers in the world.
and tonight i won't get dressed up, i won't get pretty, i won't wear my hair down.
i won't go out, i won't go be beautiful, i won't have men buy me drinks, i won't go dance, i won't go stay up all night and in the morning not feel tired, i won't.
i won't have the life that i love. the life i have yet to tire of. the life no one tires of. it just won't be.
and i can't stand thinking about it.
i can't stand thinking about how alive i felt, how wonderful it was to finally be happy to be alive. i just, i don't know,
i guess to took a day for me to miss it. Mexico i mean.
it was just one of those places where i felt like i belonged.