(no subject)

[0basicallyme0]

well i've decided its time for an update. im kinda down right now. i was thinking and i've realized that i've lost alot of people. not like physically dead or anything.. but... on a friend basis. for instance me and alyssa gulledge. we used to be best friends. hello summer goodbye alyssa. tom, hello to the end of a wonderful relationship goodbye to one of the best friends i have ever had. We barely ever talk anymore and i find it truly depressing. but... i cant really do anythinig about it but move on right? easier said than done... i dont know... i've tried. didnt work. so i guess im just gonna have to... wait for time to do its thing. but lately time has been against me. when you have friends... and you say to yourself "we are always going to talk and be best friends forever" you just say that to make yourself feel good. people say that when they have their doubts. its their own way of brainwashing themselves i guess... who knows. thats kinda how i see it. I remember saying. wow me and alyssa gulledge are always always going to be best friends. no matter what. look what happened! neither one of us meant for it to happen. but it did. and its sad. i remember telling myself that tom and i were gonna be together for a long time. 2 months. best 2 months of my life may i add. but i was wrong. and i've come to find that i really did have those doubts. and i told myself that things were gonna stay the way they were cuz thats what i wanted to hear. its so screwy. you trick yourself...and you dont even mean to... or realize it for that matter!! how fucked up is that?! hmm... who knows. i have not one clue how the rest of my life is gonna turn out. no one knows for sure. but some people have like... a goal or something. a career all picked out. what college they want to go to. i on the other hand have no idea what i want to do once i get older. not sure which college i want to go to. it makes me kinda pissed... i dont mean to sound pessimistic or anything. but i dont even think im gonna end up with a decent job or a decent home or anything. i hope so. but it looks as though right now.. im heading down the wrong way. im trying to get my grades up and im trying to stay out of trouble. im fucking working my ass off. i know your thinking "how hard is it to stay out of mother fucking trouble you dumb ass?!" well when your me and you've fallen into bad habits... (ex: lieing and smoking) your fucked. so im trieng to get in the habit of telling the truth im trying to quit smoking its been...3 days so far. which amazes me. im trying to get ALL of my homework in (but i've never done that so the chances of that happening is slim to none)

oh well... im gonna try and be optimistic now...