you stay, i go. you stay, i go! LYLE, YOU STAY HERE! I'LL GO!
last night, i was tired. i started work at the pizza hut next ti my house, delivering delicious food all over town, and then i got to come home and kick back. sadly, because i have the energy reserves of a gym bag, i was pretty tired after work. so i get home, and am hungry. sadly, i am also very poor (which explains the need for a job) and as a result have very little food. so, going to my old mother hubbard-esque pantry, i find little more than a few bags of spaghetti and a bunch of seasoning packets. luckily for me, one of the packets happens to be for making alfredo sauce, and it just so happens i have milk and butter, so i actually have all the ingredients it takes to make it. so, as my tired, pizza smelling ass is making dinner (at 10:00 pm) people start walking into my house. don't worry, it wasn't like they were crazy bums or fundamentalists, or anything that serious. rather, they were merely firneds who were coming over for some reason unbeknownst to me. anyway, one of the many people who are, by this point, standing around my living room, is named ruth. now ruth is my massage therapist-in-training who gives me free 30-40 minutes massages and likes is pretty awesome as a whole. so, while i am enjoying my dinner, she comes up to me to ask if i would be willing to go to the store and buy her a bottle of wine, to which i respond (and i quote) "well, let's do it now, because i'm going to bed." sorry, that quote wasn't funny at all, and has absolutely no value in this story whatsoever. i'll try not to do that again.
anyway, we drive to the safeway on 18th and she needs to get money out of the ATM. now, i don't know about you, but i am acutely aware of proper ettiquette for buying booze for a minor:
rule 1) if they are with you, don't park near the front door of the store.
rule 2) if they need to give you money from the ATM in the store, have them get the money, and meet you somewhere in the back of the store to give it to you because
rule 3) never, ever, EVER under any circumstance, are you to walk into the store within 30 seconds of each other. don't make eyecontact, don't call each other, don't make quiet comments in passing under your breath. if you must communicate, text. non verbal communication is the only way to go. as long as you are in the confines of the store, you two have never seen each other in your life.
well, many of my minor friends don't really seem to be aware of these rules of ettiquette, and so ruth and i broke almost every one of them. she got money out of the ATM that the security guy was leaning against, we walked into the wine aisle together, and then she even yelled at my about our tactical planning for getting the wine paid for and out of the store, while standing next to an employee. (if you want to know what she yelled at me, just read the tagline.) needless to say, i was more than a little concerned about how this was going to go down.
so i'm standing in the aisle with a bottle of Gnarley Head in hand, as ruth walks out of the store and to her car. and to my horror, i see the cop follow her the whole way. being me, i immediatly start to freak out, and debate whether or not i should put the bottle back. well, in my delay, ruth had time to get in her car and drive to a different parking lot on the block behind the store, and then call me to tell me this. so then i go to the checkout lane, and the cop walks back into the store and heads straight for me at the counter. now, because i don't want to seem guilty, i'm trying as hard as i possibly can to avoid any eye contact with him, as he strides towards me. he then proceeds to start telling my cashier about how she just sold a case of beer to a guy who just hopped in a car with a bunch of younger looking people and drove away. so as he finishes his lecture about selling to people who buy for minors, i finish paying. he turns to walk back outside, and i follow him with my bottle of wine in hand. so basically, i'm shitting myself, because this guy saw me walk in with ruth, then followed her out of the store, and then came back in only to see my buying booze. fantastic. anyway, he happens to glance to the left, and start heading that way through the parking lot. seeing my opportunity, i quicken my pace and turn to the right, walking down to the side of the building and then cross the street behind, eventually meeting back up with ruth. pretty much, we were both scared shitless about getting caught, but pulled it off ocean's eleven style. except that there were only two of us, there were no casinos involved, and brad pitt was nowhere in sight (that pussy little bastard... always flaking on our plans.) anyway, we got the wine and decided that if and when we ever do this again, we are going to stake out the store first and determine what will happen, where we will meet and who will do what. pretty much, that was a very long sentence that could have been replaced by saying "next time we're going to have a plan worked out ahead of time".
ok, that is quite enough of unlce lyle's story time. i want some sleep.
anyway, we drive to the safeway on 18th and she needs to get money out of the ATM. now, i don't know about you, but i am acutely aware of proper ettiquette for buying booze for a minor:
rule 1) if they are with you, don't park near the front door of the store.
rule 2) if they need to give you money from the ATM in the store, have them get the money, and meet you somewhere in the back of the store to give it to you because
rule 3) never, ever, EVER under any circumstance, are you to walk into the store within 30 seconds of each other. don't make eyecontact, don't call each other, don't make quiet comments in passing under your breath. if you must communicate, text. non verbal communication is the only way to go. as long as you are in the confines of the store, you two have never seen each other in your life.
well, many of my minor friends don't really seem to be aware of these rules of ettiquette, and so ruth and i broke almost every one of them. she got money out of the ATM that the security guy was leaning against, we walked into the wine aisle together, and then she even yelled at my about our tactical planning for getting the wine paid for and out of the store, while standing next to an employee. (if you want to know what she yelled at me, just read the tagline.) needless to say, i was more than a little concerned about how this was going to go down.
so i'm standing in the aisle with a bottle of Gnarley Head in hand, as ruth walks out of the store and to her car. and to my horror, i see the cop follow her the whole way. being me, i immediatly start to freak out, and debate whether or not i should put the bottle back. well, in my delay, ruth had time to get in her car and drive to a different parking lot on the block behind the store, and then call me to tell me this. so then i go to the checkout lane, and the cop walks back into the store and heads straight for me at the counter. now, because i don't want to seem guilty, i'm trying as hard as i possibly can to avoid any eye contact with him, as he strides towards me. he then proceeds to start telling my cashier about how she just sold a case of beer to a guy who just hopped in a car with a bunch of younger looking people and drove away. so as he finishes his lecture about selling to people who buy for minors, i finish paying. he turns to walk back outside, and i follow him with my bottle of wine in hand. so basically, i'm shitting myself, because this guy saw me walk in with ruth, then followed her out of the store, and then came back in only to see my buying booze. fantastic. anyway, he happens to glance to the left, and start heading that way through the parking lot. seeing my opportunity, i quicken my pace and turn to the right, walking down to the side of the building and then cross the street behind, eventually meeting back up with ruth. pretty much, we were both scared shitless about getting caught, but pulled it off ocean's eleven style. except that there were only two of us, there were no casinos involved, and brad pitt was nowhere in sight (that pussy little bastard... always flaking on our plans.) anyway, we got the wine and decided that if and when we ever do this again, we are going to stake out the store first and determine what will happen, where we will meet and who will do what. pretty much, that was a very long sentence that could have been replaced by saying "next time we're going to have a plan worked out ahead of time".
ok, that is quite enough of unlce lyle's story time. i want some sleep.