New plan everyday
Apparently I'm on the convenience diet. It involves eating whatever you want, whenever you want and hoping for the best. I'm hoping to lose nothing on it, but gain 50 lbs.
UGH.
I started watching The Truth About Size Zero, a BBC documentary yesterday. I thought it would sickly encourage me like The Race to Size Zero did. Well, I was enjoying it secretly until it go to the part where she checks in with a doctor half way through the month... WELL the doctor was saying that she was losing 1/2 muscle and 1/2 fat (which is what I want because my leg muscles are HUGE), but then he said that when she started to eat again, she would gain it ALL back as fat. This isn't really new information, but it hit home.
That is exactly what has been happening to me in the past few years because I crash diet and gain back.. Which is why my body fat percentage is so high. It really scared me. I have this cloud of doubt in the back of my mind that tells me I'll never make it through the 130s into the 120s. So, while thinking that, hearing that I'll gain it all back as fat gave me the picture of getting down to 134 and then binging up to 155 with 50% body fat. I just couldn't take it. I used to be that girl, and I every night I prayed for God to deliever me from that costume.
So I ate, and ate, and ate yesterday. (yeah, that'll keep the fat off) I say that but it was probably only like 1000 calories or so. I am so afraid of not losing and gaining, that I trick myself into saying that I'll be healthy. And that has worked in the past. I "gave up" dieting, just started making some healthy choices and ended up losing like 4 lbs this summer. I consider them to be "permanate" pounds, whereas the pounds I crash-diet off I don't consider permanate. Half of me says, that's great that you lost 4 lbs without dieting, that you'll never have to worry about those lbs again, while the other half of me says 4 lbs?? You're 20 lbs over weight! You should have been dieting and you would have lost 40 lbs!! Then you wouldn't have to be dieting today, you stupid whore.
It doesn't help that there's no definitive answers about any of this crap. You talk to doctors and they want you to be a "healthy" weight with a "healthy" look, but I don't want that. You go to people at the gym and they want your thighs to be the size of texas because "squats are so good for you," and it's like, I'm sorry, but I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU. You go to anorexics that you do want to look like and they'll tell you to eat cabbage for 6 days straight, then eat carrots for 2 days, then eat celery for 9 and you'll drop 45 lbs. And you're sitting there, in your fat skin, saying "all of these people are wrong."
So I'm telling myself, I used to be over 155 lbs. Now I am just under 140. I'm 15 lbs lighter, and some time in the next year I'll tell myself, I used to be 140, and now I am less than 125, that's 15lbs.
As for these crazy diet plans? Well, I'm going to try and not eat. And when I do eat, I'm going to try and make it vegan/vegetarian. I'm not going to diet on sundays, and I am going to continuously post that I'm going to get down to the 120s. And soon.
UGH.
I started watching The Truth About Size Zero, a BBC documentary yesterday. I thought it would sickly encourage me like The Race to Size Zero did. Well, I was enjoying it secretly until it go to the part where she checks in with a doctor half way through the month... WELL the doctor was saying that she was losing 1/2 muscle and 1/2 fat (which is what I want because my leg muscles are HUGE), but then he said that when she started to eat again, she would gain it ALL back as fat. This isn't really new information, but it hit home.
That is exactly what has been happening to me in the past few years because I crash diet and gain back.. Which is why my body fat percentage is so high. It really scared me. I have this cloud of doubt in the back of my mind that tells me I'll never make it through the 130s into the 120s. So, while thinking that, hearing that I'll gain it all back as fat gave me the picture of getting down to 134 and then binging up to 155 with 50% body fat. I just couldn't take it. I used to be that girl, and I every night I prayed for God to deliever me from that costume.
So I ate, and ate, and ate yesterday. (yeah, that'll keep the fat off) I say that but it was probably only like 1000 calories or so. I am so afraid of not losing and gaining, that I trick myself into saying that I'll be healthy. And that has worked in the past. I "gave up" dieting, just started making some healthy choices and ended up losing like 4 lbs this summer. I consider them to be "permanate" pounds, whereas the pounds I crash-diet off I don't consider permanate. Half of me says, that's great that you lost 4 lbs without dieting, that you'll never have to worry about those lbs again, while the other half of me says 4 lbs?? You're 20 lbs over weight! You should have been dieting and you would have lost 40 lbs!! Then you wouldn't have to be dieting today, you stupid whore.
It doesn't help that there's no definitive answers about any of this crap. You talk to doctors and they want you to be a "healthy" weight with a "healthy" look, but I don't want that. You go to people at the gym and they want your thighs to be the size of texas because "squats are so good for you," and it's like, I'm sorry, but I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU. You go to anorexics that you do want to look like and they'll tell you to eat cabbage for 6 days straight, then eat carrots for 2 days, then eat celery for 9 and you'll drop 45 lbs. And you're sitting there, in your fat skin, saying "all of these people are wrong."
So I'm telling myself, I used to be over 155 lbs. Now I am just under 140. I'm 15 lbs lighter, and some time in the next year I'll tell myself, I used to be 140, and now I am less than 125, that's 15lbs.
As for these crazy diet plans? Well, I'm going to try and not eat. And when I do eat, I'm going to try and make it vegan/vegetarian. I'm not going to diet on sundays, and I am going to continuously post that I'm going to get down to the 120s. And soon.