(no subject)
A reply I made to one of Deni's entries had me thinking. Where I am today compared to where I have been.
I remember when I was young. My dad was in the military and life was good. He was a loving and attentive father who rarely raised his voice. I was Daddy's little girl with good reason. We moved a lot. Which made it hard for me to make and keep friends. But I saw more and experience more than most kids my age had.
My dad told me he was leaving the military and going to live with Grandma. I was so excited. Living with Grandma! How fun! Except Grandma had changed. She was a RX junkie now. Through the years my dad became more and more depressed. He withdrew more and more into himself. I was lost. If I didn't clean the house, it didn't get done. As a youth, you can imagine how that went.
How I grew to despise my family. I had 3 friends. 3 actual friends. They were my escape. The only escape I had. My room was fair game. If I were in line of sight or earshot, it was fair game. Whenever I wanted to play a challenging game or do something crafty, I called Mouse. Whenever I wanted to watch movies and just hang out, there was Kyu. Whenever I needed to get Christmas decorations down from the attic and was to scared to do it myself, I called Deni. We all did things together. I think I roller bladed every day for an entire summer. After I had been yelled at and terrified beyond belief.; called stupid...again; got into trouble for something I was allowed to do last week my friends were there.
I screwed up my life quite a bit after that. Things I never wanna relive. I was scared and unsure. I had never had the freedom to really make my own choices before. If I screwed up, no one really cared. No one yelled. No one raised their hand as if they were going to hit me but backed down at the last second.
My life was a royal mess. I barely talked to Deni or Mouse anymore. Poor Kyu tried to be there. But I don't think she could deal with the level of screwed up I was. I'm not sure a licensed therapist could have dealt with it. Then I met Patrick. I expected him to come and go like everyone else. But he didn't. And after a few months, I began to change. Some of my anger began to go away. My drive for self destruction that seemed to be running full steam ahead had stopped.
Life hasn't been perfect since that moment. But we went through it all together. Now I have a beautiful 2 year old son. My anger is at a lower rate than ever. I don't feel the empty hollowness of despair anymore.
I have some new friends. I also have some old. I still talk to Deni and Mouse and see them when I can. Kyu and I haven't talked in forever. I get that we are very different people now. I think part of me will always wonder where she is and how she's doing. I try not to ask Mouse because I don't want to create awkwardness. Our relationship was slightly destructive anyway. We were so different it's ridiculous. She was still my best friend. And with the end of our friendship a part of me is gone, too.
I remember when I was young. My dad was in the military and life was good. He was a loving and attentive father who rarely raised his voice. I was Daddy's little girl with good reason. We moved a lot. Which made it hard for me to make and keep friends. But I saw more and experience more than most kids my age had.
My dad told me he was leaving the military and going to live with Grandma. I was so excited. Living with Grandma! How fun! Except Grandma had changed. She was a RX junkie now. Through the years my dad became more and more depressed. He withdrew more and more into himself. I was lost. If I didn't clean the house, it didn't get done. As a youth, you can imagine how that went.
How I grew to despise my family. I had 3 friends. 3 actual friends. They were my escape. The only escape I had. My room was fair game. If I were in line of sight or earshot, it was fair game. Whenever I wanted to play a challenging game or do something crafty, I called Mouse. Whenever I wanted to watch movies and just hang out, there was Kyu. Whenever I needed to get Christmas decorations down from the attic and was to scared to do it myself, I called Deni. We all did things together. I think I roller bladed every day for an entire summer. After I had been yelled at and terrified beyond belief.; called stupid...again; got into trouble for something I was allowed to do last week my friends were there.
I screwed up my life quite a bit after that. Things I never wanna relive. I was scared and unsure. I had never had the freedom to really make my own choices before. If I screwed up, no one really cared. No one yelled. No one raised their hand as if they were going to hit me but backed down at the last second.
My life was a royal mess. I barely talked to Deni or Mouse anymore. Poor Kyu tried to be there. But I don't think she could deal with the level of screwed up I was. I'm not sure a licensed therapist could have dealt with it. Then I met Patrick. I expected him to come and go like everyone else. But he didn't. And after a few months, I began to change. Some of my anger began to go away. My drive for self destruction that seemed to be running full steam ahead had stopped.
Life hasn't been perfect since that moment. But we went through it all together. Now I have a beautiful 2 year old son. My anger is at a lower rate than ever. I don't feel the empty hollowness of despair anymore.
I have some new friends. I also have some old. I still talk to Deni and Mouse and see them when I can. Kyu and I haven't talked in forever. I get that we are very different people now. I think part of me will always wonder where she is and how she's doing. I try not to ask Mouse because I don't want to create awkwardness. Our relationship was slightly destructive anyway. We were so different it's ridiculous. She was still my best friend. And with the end of our friendship a part of me is gone, too.