What happened.
I'm going to write about my mom's death, mostly because I need to get it out and start living again. I have been in a state of denial and shock for 3 days now, completely incapable of talking to most people. I haven't cried because that's something I usually have to trigger myself. I never cry spontaneously; I'm too much of a control freak. I figure if I make myself cry though, I don't know what will happen. So I'll write and hopefully that'll mean something.
Tuesday morning I got a call at 6:36 AM from Richard, who told me to get over to the house quick; Mom might be dead. I panicked and got in the car, but rationalized it out a bit because this is not the first time something like it happened. I figured maybe it was a suicide attempt, but Richard's an extremely empathic individual and in the past luck's been on our side.
I got to the house and there was a cruiser and an ambulance. I ran up to the house and I saw the cop, and then I saw the paramedics come out of the house with an empty stretcher, and I thought that maybe she was alright; she got resuscitated and was refusing to go to the hospital (again, it's happened before). So I run in the house to my mom's room and there she is. Cold.
Typing this is a whole lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
Richard didn't know what happened. After Buddy got picked up from school yesterday she was complaining of pain in her right eye, and Richard kept pleading with her to go to the doctor but she wasn't having any of it. She went to sleep about 4 PM (that's not uncommon for Mom) and that was it. Buddy slept through all the 5-0 and detectives and coroner officials and what not, thank God. He woke up right as the funeral home got there and we got them to run around the block and get Bud to Richard's mom's place. I watched TV with him for a while and shot the shit, occasionally going outside into the backyard and trying to regain some level of sanity. Finally Richard got over there and we told him. He wailed for a few minutes and got it together surprisingly quick. That boy is more resilient than any of us. He just said that it was better because she was in a better place now without pain, and that she was with her dad. I think that's what really broke me, that my 9-year-old brother is so smart and yet so desensitized because to the constant catastrophe that is our family life for as long as he can remember. We get a lot of pain, so we get upset and then we deal with it.
I'm not dealing well with it. My last conversation with Mom was not a good one and we weren't so much on speaking terms when it happened. That usually happens, we have fights and then immediately resolve them because we're incapable of holding real grudges. I figured I had time to patch things up. I didn't.
From here, I don't know. Richard and Buddy are going to stay with his mom for a while but keep paying rent on that house and leave it empty. I think he wants me to move in and stay there, but I can't really get my head together on anything right now. I need to get some immediate bills taken care of and I guess get back to work. Richard's going to help out a bit. My mom had a life insurance policy that we're unsure about, but it's still active and we might be able to get it. I want Buddy to have it so he can go to college, but I might ask Richard for a small part of it so I can put my fucking life together.
Tornado blew my neighborhood the fuck up last night. Roads are closed, me and Lauren went wandering around clearing branches off the streets. Lauren's been pretty great. Don't get me wrong, me and her have never really been on the best of terms. I despised her when we were dating, I despised her more when she dumped me because she was cheating on me with just ridiculous people, I REALLY despised her when she moved in for a while, but we were intimate for a long time at a young age, and you don't realize how much of an impression that leaves. Even now, her politics aggravate the living FUCK out of me but there's a bond there, and that's something.