(no subject)
It's so hard to explain, but everything feels changed.
As I sat and watched people I know and people I don't know, friends and strangers, all I could think was "what happened? Everything is so different."
I was very bored, with the conversations I was overhearing, the styles, the sweat, the beards, the friendships, nothing was stimulating for me. So I sat and watched people and their actions and thought about the state I live in and have lived in for my whole life and the different "communities" I involve myself with when I feel like socializing. The different groups of people and all the different activities they do. Everything is structured differently, the system is run differently.
There is no more acceptance.
It's a strange feeling to look back on ten days that were spent in a foreign country only to realize that those ten days were the most comfortable, accepting ten days of your life. You easily adapted, on day one, to a different way of living and the only anxieties you felt were due to the language barrier. Everything was easy to accept, and everything easily accepted you.
And it's even stranger to come back to the place you have spent your life and have such a hard time readapting. To feel the most extreme levels of discomfort in places and with people that you once considered a level of stability. Though you never really felt truly okay in your surroundings, you found ways around it, found ways to explain why this night was awkward or why that party was boring. Before you left you never seriously thought that it would be better in another state or country. After you came back you realized that it has everything to do with it. There is no more gratification that you can receive from your home town. Your well-being lays hidden in the cobblestone streets and ivy covered walls of France.
Paris is not nearly as pretentious as Providence is.
I bite my nails and hope everything will run smoothly from now until December. And that on December 14th I can pack up my bags, walk out of this house and watch the small receptacle that is Rhode Island disappear below me as I fly away from it and no longer call it my home.
It's funny that his face floats behind every thought I have. I could be thinking "I need to get some gas" and his face will be shimmering white in the background like a phantom. When I close my eyes he is there smiling at me. I cry from being happy and I cry from being sad. I love him with every ounce of my heart, soul and mind. He is Perfection; even his faults. Our differences truly are what makes our relationship so great and our similiarities propel us to another level of compatability. He is everything to me, without him I would be lost.
As I sat and watched people I know and people I don't know, friends and strangers, all I could think was "what happened? Everything is so different."
I was very bored, with the conversations I was overhearing, the styles, the sweat, the beards, the friendships, nothing was stimulating for me. So I sat and watched people and their actions and thought about the state I live in and have lived in for my whole life and the different "communities" I involve myself with when I feel like socializing. The different groups of people and all the different activities they do. Everything is structured differently, the system is run differently.
There is no more acceptance.
It's a strange feeling to look back on ten days that were spent in a foreign country only to realize that those ten days were the most comfortable, accepting ten days of your life. You easily adapted, on day one, to a different way of living and the only anxieties you felt were due to the language barrier. Everything was easy to accept, and everything easily accepted you.
And it's even stranger to come back to the place you have spent your life and have such a hard time readapting. To feel the most extreme levels of discomfort in places and with people that you once considered a level of stability. Though you never really felt truly okay in your surroundings, you found ways around it, found ways to explain why this night was awkward or why that party was boring. Before you left you never seriously thought that it would be better in another state or country. After you came back you realized that it has everything to do with it. There is no more gratification that you can receive from your home town. Your well-being lays hidden in the cobblestone streets and ivy covered walls of France.
Paris is not nearly as pretentious as Providence is.
I bite my nails and hope everything will run smoothly from now until December. And that on December 14th I can pack up my bags, walk out of this house and watch the small receptacle that is Rhode Island disappear below me as I fly away from it and no longer call it my home.
It's funny that his face floats behind every thought I have. I could be thinking "I need to get some gas" and his face will be shimmering white in the background like a phantom. When I close my eyes he is there smiling at me. I cry from being happy and I cry from being sad. I love him with every ounce of my heart, soul and mind. He is Perfection; even his faults. Our differences truly are what makes our relationship so great and our similiarities propel us to another level of compatability. He is everything to me, without him I would be lost.