(no subject)
The kind of depression I feel these days, although fleeting, is kind of fake to most people. These days I am mostly filled with insecurity about the relationships I have with people in my life.
I know that the root of the problem for most people is that I have the self-doubt, that it has manifested itself as a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think things will go poorly, so they do. Then I act surprised when they do.
I am so good at visualizing myself doing things because I'm in control of what I do, I'm in control of how serious I can take my life experiences. What I'm not in control over is how my words/actions are perceived, and I'm not in control over the level of which people care about me.
I love when people care for me. If there's one thing that I have lost in the past three years it's people from my life. Part of it is because I've gotten more adult-job oriented and I just haven't had the time to forge the necessary bridges to keep people in my life at an important, attentive level. Another problem is that I think I've changed. Probably for the better in some ways, probably for the worse in others.
More than anything else, I'm putting too many expectations on people. I hate that I'm doing that, almost subconsciously out of my control. I know that isn't totally true and I'm probably making an excuse for myself, I'm sure deep down I can control that. I'm sure that I can stop the pressure I put on other people if I really focused on the things I say. I need to do more of that. Because where I see myself in the end of this academic goal I've set for myself is a lonely place. Yeah, I'll have money. But that isn't what matters in life. I discovered a few years ago that the meaning of life are people and experiences. I also believe that an element of the the "experience" side is finding something of more importance than oneself and then dedicating a significant portion of ones life to improving that thing.
Sometimes I wish I could just ask everyone around me who's leaving my life if that assessment is for sure--do I put too much pressure on the relationships in my life? Is that my problem with fucking things up with those around me? I really hope it is, I can fix this. I don't want to waste energy trying to fix something that really isn't the problem. The last shit load of entries have been super fucking emo bullshit. What gives? What's up with all this inward looking crap? The funny thing is that I post this garbage to livejournal because I know nobody will read it here. It's like a haven or something. I can get this crap out of my head and move on with my life. I can fix the parts that need to be fixed. I can do self improvement when I need to mend the parts that need to be mend.
And I can move on. And get back to what matters. People and Experiences.
I know that the root of the problem for most people is that I have the self-doubt, that it has manifested itself as a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think things will go poorly, so they do. Then I act surprised when they do.
I am so good at visualizing myself doing things because I'm in control of what I do, I'm in control of how serious I can take my life experiences. What I'm not in control over is how my words/actions are perceived, and I'm not in control over the level of which people care about me.
I love when people care for me. If there's one thing that I have lost in the past three years it's people from my life. Part of it is because I've gotten more adult-job oriented and I just haven't had the time to forge the necessary bridges to keep people in my life at an important, attentive level. Another problem is that I think I've changed. Probably for the better in some ways, probably for the worse in others.
More than anything else, I'm putting too many expectations on people. I hate that I'm doing that, almost subconsciously out of my control. I know that isn't totally true and I'm probably making an excuse for myself, I'm sure deep down I can control that. I'm sure that I can stop the pressure I put on other people if I really focused on the things I say. I need to do more of that. Because where I see myself in the end of this academic goal I've set for myself is a lonely place. Yeah, I'll have money. But that isn't what matters in life. I discovered a few years ago that the meaning of life are people and experiences. I also believe that an element of the the "experience" side is finding something of more importance than oneself and then dedicating a significant portion of ones life to improving that thing.
Sometimes I wish I could just ask everyone around me who's leaving my life if that assessment is for sure--do I put too much pressure on the relationships in my life? Is that my problem with fucking things up with those around me? I really hope it is, I can fix this. I don't want to waste energy trying to fix something that really isn't the problem. The last shit load of entries have been super fucking emo bullshit. What gives? What's up with all this inward looking crap? The funny thing is that I post this garbage to livejournal because I know nobody will read it here. It's like a haven or something. I can get this crap out of my head and move on with my life. I can fix the parts that need to be fixed. I can do self improvement when I need to mend the parts that need to be mend.
And I can move on. And get back to what matters. People and Experiences.