(no subject)
When I meet a woman, hear about her ex's and discover that none of them are friends, much less people in her life still able to communicate with on a platonic level, I get skeptical about her ability to be a suitable girlfriend. Usually, when a person hates his or her ex's it's a sign the person is unstable.
Adults recognize that relationships come and go, just like friendships. However, unlike friendships, relationships hold a different kind of place in our lives, one that is usually impossible to remove from our conscience. I think most people can't forget how an era is earmarked by a relationship. I know that different times in my life I've had relationships that were suitable matches for the challenges and personal changes I went through.
Hating ones ex's is like hating oneself. Unless it was a nuclear downfall, we shouldn't be ashamed that our relationship went astray. Anyway, so that's why I say that it's a red flag when a person isn't--even on a platonic level--casual acquaintances with his or her ex's. I might be saying this only because I have a lot of ex's.
The point I'm trying make isn't to convince myself that I need to be friends with the world--including my ex's. But when a person hates people in their life or believes those around are crazy, typically it's the person, himself, who has the problem. I recognize this. As far as I can tell, I don't have any enemies. I mean, I still have some disjointedness with one or two of my ex's, but those I assume will re-establish in a year or so.
I remember when M and I were seeing each other and I'd make trips down to Santa Barbara regularly to hang out and go on dates. I miss those days because I frankly was too school for college when I was seeking my bachelors. I never really had an opportunity to have the college experience because I was working a shit load of jobs and trying to be responsible and make up time, considering all that I lost trying to figure out what path I wanted to go down academically.
I wasted a lot of time. I admit it. I also grew from those experiences and I also have a large body of general knowledge, which might actually be obsolete now that we all carry smart phones in our pockets.
You can't make people like you, let alone love you. It has the exact opposite effect, in fact. If you even try to get people to love you, consider the target a lost cause. That sort of manipulation will not only backfire, it'll backfire so badly you'll arrive at a lonely place before you realize what the hell happened.
I have one of those ENFJ personality types--"The Teacher." I remember when I was in high school and I took the Myer and Briggs personality test and I had the same personality type then, as well. It surprises me that over 10 years my personality hasn't changed more. I mean, if there's anything that has altered in my personality it's that I've become less of an extrovert than I used to be. Part of the reason for the setting introversion is because, well, I think it's Denzel Washington in American Gangster who summed it up best, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest." That, and I'm getting to place in my life where I'm realizing that being the talkative one typically means being the annoying one. Besides, it's never a good decision to be that open with everyone. I don't like and I know most people don't like the guy who (pretends to be) on a first name basis with the world. It's a feeble and shallow point of view.
I am too self aware. I need to work on giving less of damn about my place in the world. I think about it too much. I think about how my actions and words are being interpreted by those around me far too much. It's not as much the level of insecurity as it reads. I mean, we're all insecure. I just don't like to come off as an intimidating person. I think there's far too much intimidation in the world. I like to be warm, loyal and reliable.
That's another thing I don't understand, I might have the busiest schedule of anyone I know (maybe not E) but I still find the time to be as loyal and available as I can for those around me. Almost to a sacrificial point, like I'll try and set aside responsibilities to be there for people. But inevitably, it seems like those loyalties get misinterpreted into something else and then the relationship spoils.
I've been feeling really lonely recently. I haven't a clue why. I need to stop trying so hard in public when I'm meeting people. I'm not fun to be around when I'm like that. Hell, I probably ought to be less self-aware, less self conscious. We all could use more of that.
Sometimes I daydream about my life going to shit over night. I've been meeting a lot of people whose life stories scare the hell out of me. The kind where the person has gotten a DUI and it changed their life for the worse, sending them on a self destructive downward spiral. You know, like, losing their license, job, moving in with the parents again and starting over down an unsettling path. It's scary to hear stories of people not going anywhere with their lives. I've always had some kind of path. It led me to the tree house, my cushy City job and ultimately my independence.
But I think about the "what-if..." scenario playing out for me, where I do lose my job, house and school. What I would do in that situation. I'd probably do something brazen like move on a lark. I'd relocate to somewhere like New Zealand or Portland (I know, random). I would do this because I have nothing to lose. It boils down to the safe road not actually accomplishing anything; so with that loss of the security comes the loss of a fundamental philosophy on life.
I envy those people who have long standing friendships and personal loyalties. The kind of friendship that has been established over decades of experiences. I wish I had that.
It's really strange getting older, especially when you view yourself as one of those people who doesn't have any enemies. I remember in high school I knew everyone. Cut to college and all the warranted isolation that college brings (because we're working, homeworking, going on different non-linear paths in college) and you get this removal of the ground underfoot. You lose a huge base of friends. Some of them go away entirely because they move and get married. Others go away because you leave them behind, ones ambition outpaces the other and the distance between is foregone.
And it's not like I want to be married or something. I like the way I've settled into my late twenties. I'm finally independent, dealing with my problems on my own terms and how I perceive the solutions. I don't want to be married right now, but I also don't want to be alone. I see people around me with groups of loyal friends and I get jealous. I wish I had people in my life that I could call and hang out on any whim and not have the moment be something forced or awkward.
Sometimes I think it'd be easier to live the typical emotionally detached male role. One who doesn't need anyone and doesn't feel like there's anything to prove. I think those people have a mysterious interpersonal magnetism. They are completely stable, monolithic and predictable. Yikes, that almost implies I'm unstable, which totally isn't true. Although, I think my almost unwavering sense of optimism and happiness is suspicious for a lot of people. I don't think people trust happiness or optimism. It's tough for me, in all the shit I've been through over the years the only thing that I've been in control of is how I react, rationalize and cope with the issues I'm facing.
When I graduated from high school I had the reading level of a sixth grader. That's true. I had a brutally difficult and absolutely fantastic childhood (more fantastic than difficult: 80-20% portioning). One that took years to reconcile, but I did and got beyond the bullshit and became a stronger, realistic (not entirely losing my idealistic side) young adult. Then I graduated from high school and my nuclear family (ironically) blew up. Mom went into the hospital. She came out, then dad went in with cancer. Then he came out and mom went back in permanently. I got myself through community college, learned to write all over again, started doing it part time-professionally, then got myself through university, worked three jobs to remain debt free. I bought my car, paid for my own college, got my first real job and pursued going for my masters all with little family support. My friends moved away, some got married, some just left to leave. From being a, as my mother says, "social butterfly" to having to live an extravagantly lonely era that is earmarked with a tawdry list of sordid relationships--there were some amazing ones, nevertheless.
I came to terms with being one of those guys that prepares women to get married. I got to see a bunch of women I was with literally marry the guy (let's be fair, or girl) they dated after me. It fostered self-consciousness. How could it not? The only subtextual thing I was able to muster on a mental level from academia is how being self-aware helps guide ethical and moral decisions. I don't mind being self aware. I like making good impressions, but it comes at a cost. Being self aware makes an individual more susceptible to self conscious introspection. That's the thing I need to lose.
Through all the difficult obstacles I encountered becoming an independent adult post-high school, the personality trait ingrained by my family (specifically my mother) is that an unwavering sense of optimism lowers the robustness of life's obstacles. If that simply means I approach problems with a different point of view, a clearer head, more tolerance--whatever--then that's fine. The point is, positivity and positive emotion beat negative emotion every time. That's a direct quote from Inception, but I honestly can't sum it up any better. I figured that out a long time ago.
But that doesn't prevent optimism from being suspicious to others. And I might also be wrong with my assumption regarding peoples reception to optimism, I think it's ridiculous to assume that people haven't stuck around my life because I'm "too optimistic." There's something inherently "wrong" with me. I put that in quotes because I'm not crazy, but I am desperately curious. If I could place anything as my fault it's that I've almost perpetually been in a relationship since 18. Serious relationships isolate us.
I remember Louis CK has this bit on his show "Louis" where he talks about being married for something like twenty-five years, then suddenly getting divorced and being thrust into world with the rest of the single people. He said that it's like the worst time machine ever, kind of one that works in reverse--the world around stays dynamic and single people stay beautiful--but you wander out of the monogamy bleary-eyed, old, unkempt and overweight, you show your age.
I relate to the bit because I haven't been single--really single for a long stint--in many years. At least a decade. It's completely unusual out here. And there's A LOT to be learned while being single. I have a lot to learn about myself on a psychological level, to cut the false sense of security (it is indeed false) any co-dependencies, irrespective of how much I don't want to believe I have them. Cutting the desperate need to have someone be the security blanket and a depository for concern rather than work through the issues on my own. When you're single for awhile, you learn to navigate the hardships on your own. That's a far more admirable quality than codependency.
It's easy to be in a relationship because there's so much security. Not having to impress the by-standing opposite sex by being confident, cool and collected is tough. I like to be myself all the time. And sometimes that isn't presentable because I feel like a guy who worked 16 hours (because I did). Sometimes I want to expose my biting sense of humor because I've had to be an uptight and tight-lipped professional all day. I need to get back to normal. I need to lose the nonsense self conscious point of view. Stop trying to impress people. I need to be myself 100% of the time, accurately, pointedly and then the rest will fall into place on its own. As it always does. Anyway, I feel like I'm getting off topic and been rambling for awhile. That's the end of this entry.
Adults recognize that relationships come and go, just like friendships. However, unlike friendships, relationships hold a different kind of place in our lives, one that is usually impossible to remove from our conscience. I think most people can't forget how an era is earmarked by a relationship. I know that different times in my life I've had relationships that were suitable matches for the challenges and personal changes I went through.
Hating ones ex's is like hating oneself. Unless it was a nuclear downfall, we shouldn't be ashamed that our relationship went astray. Anyway, so that's why I say that it's a red flag when a person isn't--even on a platonic level--casual acquaintances with his or her ex's. I might be saying this only because I have a lot of ex's.
The point I'm trying make isn't to convince myself that I need to be friends with the world--including my ex's. But when a person hates people in their life or believes those around are crazy, typically it's the person, himself, who has the problem. I recognize this. As far as I can tell, I don't have any enemies. I mean, I still have some disjointedness with one or two of my ex's, but those I assume will re-establish in a year or so.
I remember when M and I were seeing each other and I'd make trips down to Santa Barbara regularly to hang out and go on dates. I miss those days because I frankly was too school for college when I was seeking my bachelors. I never really had an opportunity to have the college experience because I was working a shit load of jobs and trying to be responsible and make up time, considering all that I lost trying to figure out what path I wanted to go down academically.
I wasted a lot of time. I admit it. I also grew from those experiences and I also have a large body of general knowledge, which might actually be obsolete now that we all carry smart phones in our pockets.
You can't make people like you, let alone love you. It has the exact opposite effect, in fact. If you even try to get people to love you, consider the target a lost cause. That sort of manipulation will not only backfire, it'll backfire so badly you'll arrive at a lonely place before you realize what the hell happened.
I have one of those ENFJ personality types--"The Teacher." I remember when I was in high school and I took the Myer and Briggs personality test and I had the same personality type then, as well. It surprises me that over 10 years my personality hasn't changed more. I mean, if there's anything that has altered in my personality it's that I've become less of an extrovert than I used to be. Part of the reason for the setting introversion is because, well, I think it's Denzel Washington in American Gangster who summed it up best, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest." That, and I'm getting to place in my life where I'm realizing that being the talkative one typically means being the annoying one. Besides, it's never a good decision to be that open with everyone. I don't like and I know most people don't like the guy who (pretends to be) on a first name basis with the world. It's a feeble and shallow point of view.
I am too self aware. I need to work on giving less of damn about my place in the world. I think about it too much. I think about how my actions and words are being interpreted by those around me far too much. It's not as much the level of insecurity as it reads. I mean, we're all insecure. I just don't like to come off as an intimidating person. I think there's far too much intimidation in the world. I like to be warm, loyal and reliable.
That's another thing I don't understand, I might have the busiest schedule of anyone I know (maybe not E) but I still find the time to be as loyal and available as I can for those around me. Almost to a sacrificial point, like I'll try and set aside responsibilities to be there for people. But inevitably, it seems like those loyalties get misinterpreted into something else and then the relationship spoils.
I've been feeling really lonely recently. I haven't a clue why. I need to stop trying so hard in public when I'm meeting people. I'm not fun to be around when I'm like that. Hell, I probably ought to be less self-aware, less self conscious. We all could use more of that.
Sometimes I daydream about my life going to shit over night. I've been meeting a lot of people whose life stories scare the hell out of me. The kind where the person has gotten a DUI and it changed their life for the worse, sending them on a self destructive downward spiral. You know, like, losing their license, job, moving in with the parents again and starting over down an unsettling path. It's scary to hear stories of people not going anywhere with their lives. I've always had some kind of path. It led me to the tree house, my cushy City job and ultimately my independence.
But I think about the "what-if..." scenario playing out for me, where I do lose my job, house and school. What I would do in that situation. I'd probably do something brazen like move on a lark. I'd relocate to somewhere like New Zealand or Portland (I know, random). I would do this because I have nothing to lose. It boils down to the safe road not actually accomplishing anything; so with that loss of the security comes the loss of a fundamental philosophy on life.
I envy those people who have long standing friendships and personal loyalties. The kind of friendship that has been established over decades of experiences. I wish I had that.
It's really strange getting older, especially when you view yourself as one of those people who doesn't have any enemies. I remember in high school I knew everyone. Cut to college and all the warranted isolation that college brings (because we're working, homeworking, going on different non-linear paths in college) and you get this removal of the ground underfoot. You lose a huge base of friends. Some of them go away entirely because they move and get married. Others go away because you leave them behind, ones ambition outpaces the other and the distance between is foregone.
And it's not like I want to be married or something. I like the way I've settled into my late twenties. I'm finally independent, dealing with my problems on my own terms and how I perceive the solutions. I don't want to be married right now, but I also don't want to be alone. I see people around me with groups of loyal friends and I get jealous. I wish I had people in my life that I could call and hang out on any whim and not have the moment be something forced or awkward.
Sometimes I think it'd be easier to live the typical emotionally detached male role. One who doesn't need anyone and doesn't feel like there's anything to prove. I think those people have a mysterious interpersonal magnetism. They are completely stable, monolithic and predictable. Yikes, that almost implies I'm unstable, which totally isn't true. Although, I think my almost unwavering sense of optimism and happiness is suspicious for a lot of people. I don't think people trust happiness or optimism. It's tough for me, in all the shit I've been through over the years the only thing that I've been in control of is how I react, rationalize and cope with the issues I'm facing.
When I graduated from high school I had the reading level of a sixth grader. That's true. I had a brutally difficult and absolutely fantastic childhood (more fantastic than difficult: 80-20% portioning). One that took years to reconcile, but I did and got beyond the bullshit and became a stronger, realistic (not entirely losing my idealistic side) young adult. Then I graduated from high school and my nuclear family (ironically) blew up. Mom went into the hospital. She came out, then dad went in with cancer. Then he came out and mom went back in permanently. I got myself through community college, learned to write all over again, started doing it part time-professionally, then got myself through university, worked three jobs to remain debt free. I bought my car, paid for my own college, got my first real job and pursued going for my masters all with little family support. My friends moved away, some got married, some just left to leave. From being a, as my mother says, "social butterfly" to having to live an extravagantly lonely era that is earmarked with a tawdry list of sordid relationships--there were some amazing ones, nevertheless.
I came to terms with being one of those guys that prepares women to get married. I got to see a bunch of women I was with literally marry the guy (let's be fair, or girl) they dated after me. It fostered self-consciousness. How could it not? The only subtextual thing I was able to muster on a mental level from academia is how being self-aware helps guide ethical and moral decisions. I don't mind being self aware. I like making good impressions, but it comes at a cost. Being self aware makes an individual more susceptible to self conscious introspection. That's the thing I need to lose.
Through all the difficult obstacles I encountered becoming an independent adult post-high school, the personality trait ingrained by my family (specifically my mother) is that an unwavering sense of optimism lowers the robustness of life's obstacles. If that simply means I approach problems with a different point of view, a clearer head, more tolerance--whatever--then that's fine. The point is, positivity and positive emotion beat negative emotion every time. That's a direct quote from Inception, but I honestly can't sum it up any better. I figured that out a long time ago.
But that doesn't prevent optimism from being suspicious to others. And I might also be wrong with my assumption regarding peoples reception to optimism, I think it's ridiculous to assume that people haven't stuck around my life because I'm "too optimistic." There's something inherently "wrong" with me. I put that in quotes because I'm not crazy, but I am desperately curious. If I could place anything as my fault it's that I've almost perpetually been in a relationship since 18. Serious relationships isolate us.
I remember Louis CK has this bit on his show "Louis" where he talks about being married for something like twenty-five years, then suddenly getting divorced and being thrust into world with the rest of the single people. He said that it's like the worst time machine ever, kind of one that works in reverse--the world around stays dynamic and single people stay beautiful--but you wander out of the monogamy bleary-eyed, old, unkempt and overweight, you show your age.
I relate to the bit because I haven't been single--really single for a long stint--in many years. At least a decade. It's completely unusual out here. And there's A LOT to be learned while being single. I have a lot to learn about myself on a psychological level, to cut the false sense of security (it is indeed false) any co-dependencies, irrespective of how much I don't want to believe I have them. Cutting the desperate need to have someone be the security blanket and a depository for concern rather than work through the issues on my own. When you're single for awhile, you learn to navigate the hardships on your own. That's a far more admirable quality than codependency.
It's easy to be in a relationship because there's so much security. Not having to impress the by-standing opposite sex by being confident, cool and collected is tough. I like to be myself all the time. And sometimes that isn't presentable because I feel like a guy who worked 16 hours (because I did). Sometimes I want to expose my biting sense of humor because I've had to be an uptight and tight-lipped professional all day. I need to get back to normal. I need to lose the nonsense self conscious point of view. Stop trying to impress people. I need to be myself 100% of the time, accurately, pointedly and then the rest will fall into place on its own. As it always does. Anyway, I feel like I'm getting off topic and been rambling for awhile. That's the end of this entry.