(no subject)
I don't get it. I don't understand why he can't just let go. Why can't he just move on and forget about me? I want him to understand that i just don't want to be with him right now. What is so hard to understand about that? And I mean it's not even like we were together for that long....3, 4 months tops. I just want him to hate me...to never want to see me agian...i mean i deserve it...he was perfect...good looking, funny, my friends loved him...why did i feel the need to break up with him? even after we broke up the first time right before v-day he sent me two of the most beautiful flower arrangements i have ever seen. what did i do to deserve him? what did i do to him that makes him so attatched to me? i can't explain it...as hard as i try to i just can't. Did i make a mistake? should i be with him? it makes me think...but the more i think about it the more i begin to feel that if i were supposed to be with him i would know instead of having to think so hard about it. he is a good looking guy...all of my friends who have met him have major crushes on him...why cant he just go after one of them...i've got some good looking friends...why doesnt he want them? he has so much going for him. he works full time and is a full time student @ American University...and all of his girl friends have a thing for him...WHY DOESNT HE SEE THAT? i just can't wrap my mind around why he is so hooked on me...after all the crap i put him through...i broke his heart the first time...he took me back...i did it again...and he still wants me back..it doesnt make sense...he is a smart guy..why is he wasting his time with a girl like me? im leaving in august anyway..what is he going to do while im gone? sit around and wait for me to come home on break? He can't just put his life on hold until im ready to be with him...what if that never happens? i feel like hes wasting his time on someone who isnt even worth it. do i love him? im getting there...i care about him soo much but when he tells me he loves me i just can't bring myslef to say i love you too...thats not fair to him...he needs to be with someone who can tell him that they love him and mean it. maybe he is just waiting for the day i can say that...i know he wants me to be that girl...im just not...at least not right now. its not like i dont remember all the good times we had together...cooking my parents dinner on their anniversary and nearly burning the house down...snow ball fights, sledding contests, me cracking jokes on him being 6 ft 5 and trying to explain that hes not tall its just the rest of the world is made up of vertically challenged people, movie nights...having a food fight with him and his mom, making him hold up his end of the deal when his team lost the superbowl, the bruise on my knee from when he pulled me off his kitchen counter and i busted my knee on the cabinet...then the hardwood floor,him making me laugh so hard it hurts when we are trying to do homework, catching him starring at me for no reason, and him stealing my chapstick cause "his lips hurt real bad". we can still have those good times...but we can have those times as friends...why wont he let that happen? why is he so in love with me? i dont get it...i may never get it.