(no subject)
Today wasn't a good day for me. It sucks I had a bad day but I will have a clean slate tomorrow. I probably gained but there is nothing I can do about it now except get the pounds off . I feel really fat now. I'm spending more time looking at how I look. I think.I've been in somewhat of a denial stage. Telling myself I don't look bad and I think it has held me back from being fully determined. Somedays I see myself as gross and disgusting andbother times I see all fat I'm desperate to lose. I had to deal with counselor again. It is kind of sad I felt somewhat ok with myself on somedays but with this guy hammering away at me and making me feel so worthless, ugly and disgusting, it has brought the self hatred to the highest level it has been in a long time. When it gets like thus, I usually binge or not eat very much. The binging comes from totally giving up on the idea I could ever look nice or be worth anything, the restricting from hating myself so.much I don't deserve to eat, realizing I'm even more worthless at a high weight and almost as a way to get back at people who treat me like shit. My big fuck you to them, see how much you hurt me? I stopped eating because of you. None of this should be a real reason to stay on track. It should be so I won't feel fat, so I feel I look okay in the clothes I wear, so I won't be the fat one there, Sib I can say my weight and.not feel bad about it and because people really are nicer to thinner people. When I think.of all this. I wonder why I binge. I know it only hurts me, makes more weight to.lose and makes me feel defeated and doubt myself. I ask myself why but I never know.